By Frank Richards
October 28 2006

Stelios for his amazing impersonation of a 100-year-old rheumatic man rushing to the door to collect his birthday telegram from the Queen. No doubt Stelios had been influenced by the pre-match video of Eric Cantona appealing to footballers to make the game beautiful.

The Oscars

Now before any Bolton fans waste their time writing in I would like to make it clear that I am genuinely most grateful to Stelios. Stelios's acting career may not have been possible without the help of his manager, referees, teammates, and of course, we should not forget his parents, but without the timewasting as he left the pitch, we may not have got Gilberto's thrilling finish. Gilberto's equaliser came in the 3rd minute of extra time, mainly allocated for Bolton time wasting. Thanks Stelios and Sam we are not ungrateful.

Play up school

Arsenal too played their part in this acting extravaganza when for 60 minutes they method acted as a schoolboy team that by accident had found themselves up against a cynical bunch of old time jobbing football professionals. For the first 11 minutes the schoolboys rocked on their heels as the mercenaries lobbed the ball around them, it was partly due to old schoolmaster, and German language teacher, Mad Jens that the score was only one nil at the break. However Jens’s goalkeeping was not the only reason the score remained at one nil, the main reason was that the Harlem Bog Trotters preferred to lob the ball in the air at every possible opportunity, or try to win a corner, or a throw in. Amidst all this frenzied activity they only remembered to have four shots at goal in the first 60 minutes. One got the feeling that given the choice between a goal or a corner they would take the latter.

 This gave the schoolboys added confidence, and at half time wily old headmaster Professor Wenger came up with the spiffing idea of putting in a few of the old boys to help out the fifth form. This brilliant wheeze had immediate effect, for the next 30 minutes the Trotters goal was under siege, but for the plucky Jaskelainen (known as Jussi by the girls of the sixth form) Big Sam's Army may have sunk without trace. The combination of old and new boys put 16 shots together, 10 on target but it seemed as if an invisible wall was protecting their goal (that's my job surely. Gilberto), there again it might just have been the 11 men they had in the box, as Arsenal players tripped over each other in the queue for a shot on goal.

Just when all seemed lost - cometh the hour cometh the man - a most unlikely hero, a pupil who had been in detention all week writing a 1000 lines "I must learn to pass to my own teammates, I must learn to pass to my own teammates, I must learn to pass to my own teammates, I must learn to pass to my own teammates", (That's enough I must learn to pass to my own teammates. Ed).  

It was the invisible man, Gilberto, who quickly swallowing a make yourself visible potion (prepared for him by old stinker the chemistry teacher) arrived in the Trotters penalty area using his silky Brazilian skills to do something that the head boy had been unable to do, he put the ball beyond the reach of the Trotters trusty keeper. Spurned on head boy Henry tried to imitate this brazen act, and indeed he beat the goalkeeper, but unfortunately the Trotters Gardener headed it out. I must get him to trim my Hampstead Hedges thought Henry as he sadly trudged back to the half way line.

As the school magazine reporter tiptoed away he thought he could hear big Sam shouting at his team in the headmaster's study, "right there will be no pies or buns for you lot and take a 1000 lines, I must learn to concentrate for 95 minutes, I must learn to concentrate for 95 minutes, I must learn to concentrate for 95 minutes!", (that's enough, I must learn to concentrate for 95 minutes. Ed). Meanwhile from the showers came the haunting refrain of the old school song led by the Professor and old Etonian Peter Hill Wood. Beastly Big Sam and his band of bullies had been thwarted they would never win at Highbury again. A proud 44 year old school record still stood.

 

Things you never hear at Highbury these days an occasional series

Bolton fans chanting Engerland Engerland whenever Arsenal substitutes.

Arsenal fans complaining Arsene never substitutes until 20 minutes to go.