By Albatross
November 22 2004

Why is Hartlepool United's away form so bad? One win and eight defeats in the league, and yet we're one of the best home teams in the division. Only one character can solve this particular mystery.... (Scene 1: Holmes and Watson are in Holmes' study. There is a Knock on the Door.)
[Holmes] Open that, will you Watson; I think you'll find it's a hairless Scotsman with a worried expression.
[Watson opens door to reveal Neale Cooper]
[Watson] My God Holmes, you're right! How do you do it?
[Holmes] Elementary my dear Watson, I looked at the Football Results and saw that Hartlepool United lost away from home yet again. Mr. Cooper's next move was obvious.
[Cooper] Aye, well. I thought, it's a mystery to me, this away form thingie, so why not consult you Mr Holmes. Do you think you can help?
[Holmes] This is hardly my usual sort of case Mr. Cooper. I am hardly an expert on sporting matters. Tell me, why should I be investigating this matter for you?
[Cooper] Well, it's like this Sherlock. I need a hand, and so do you. I mean, look at ye! Stuck here with yon Doctor Watson, only on the telly on Saturday Afternoon now, you need something to raise your profile. I mean, even Taggart's on more than you at the moment and he's dead! Gi'us a hand here and it could be a whole new career, back on at Prime Time, the Sky's the limit!
[Holmes] Well I suppose there could me some merit in your argument. However, if I am to be of assistance, you will have to tell me absolutely everything.
[Cooper] It all started when I was born in Darjeeling, which is a small fishing village near Peterhead......
(Fades)

(Scene 2: The Training Ground. Holmes, in a Tracksuit and Burberry Deerstalker, is watching intently as the Pools players train. Watson approaches.)
[Watson] It's no use Holmes, there's nothing more I can do. That ball is completely stuck. Mr Robertson is certainly capable of propelling a football with considerable force!
[Holmes] Indeed he is Watson, however although a factor in my deliberations that is not the primary focus of this investigation.
[Watson] Have you discovered any major changes in how the team prepares for away fixtures? Is the training at fault?
[Holmes] I fear that presently even my powers of deduction are drawing a blank. How long do we have before the next match?
[Watson] There's another two days according to the coach. The players will travel tomorrow.
[Holmes] In that case Watson, inform Mr. Cooper that we will be accompanying them on their journey.

(Scene 3: A Coach)
[Watson] ....and so that's how Mr Holmes solved the mystery of the Speckled Band!
[Holmes] Enough of past glories Watson, it is this current situation that we should be concentrating our efforts on. Tell me Mr. Cooper, is this always how you travel to games?
[Cooper] Away ones, yes. Everyone on the bus, stop in a hotel if it's a long way, then to the ground on the day of the match.
[Holmes] I see. And do you always use this vehicle?
[Cooper] Yes, but I tell you we've had it checked over completely. Even had Forensic Scientists all over it - nothing.
[Holmes] I find the problem with scientists is that they can always find you an answer if you first tell them precisely where to look. The art, the skill of the investigator, is in defining that area. I fear, Watson, that I need to rest my weary mind for a spell. Pass me my earplugs will you?
[Cooper] You're no going to sleep! Some detective you're turning out to be!
[Holmes] I'm sorry, I missed that. Pray, leave me to rest.
(A few minutes later. The Bus Driver has started a tape running, and all the passengers seem to be concentrating on it intently....)
[Speaker] ....and so you will underperform for reasons you can't adequately explain and conceed two goals in the second half.
(Holmes stands up and walks to the front of the bus. He stops the tape, and snaps his fingers; all of a sudden, the other passengers stir. Holmes grabs the wheel, and brings the bus to a halt, while Watson wrestles the driver to the floor.)
[Holmes] Got you!
[Driver] You won't take me alive!
[Holmes] Oh do stop being so dramatic. We're not on TV yet you know, it's only a script on a website.

(Scene 4: Holmes Study. Holmes, Watson and Cooper are talking, while Mrs. Hudson serves Afternoon Tea.)
[Holmes] ...and so, his jealousy that Sir John Hall may be about to transfer his affections and resources to Hartlepool let Moriarty, a secret Newcastle fan, to take over as the Bus Driver and play a hypnosis tape on the way to every away match. Undetectable, unexplainable, and had you not consulted me, continuing for as long as you carried on using the same travel arrangements.
[Cooper] So how did you work it out?
[Holmes] Like so many with a criminal mind, he became too greedy. Just losing one or two games wasn't enough - it had to be all of them. I recognised him as I stepped onto the bus, although he was of course heavily disguised; when you told me that no residues of any kind of drug had been found I knew the method had to be a purely mental one. I closed my eyes, inserted earplugs, and waited for my moment.
[Cooper] Amazing! I'll tell you something, I'll be supporting you trying to get a new series. I've even got an idea for another case - you could try and work out why my predecessor left the club.
[Holmes] Mr Cooper, that mystery is I'm afraid beyond even my powers of deduction!

The End..... or is it?