By Albatross
November 12 2002

In a musical mood, Albatross has decided it's high time that we had another Club Song. He even has a suggestion. Read it and scratch your head in disbelief..... It's about time that we had another "Proper" Pools song recorded. It's been ten years or so since The Candy Ranch made Grandstand with "Up and Away", and more like 30 since the classic "Never Say Die/Who put Sugar in my Tea". What could be better for maintaining the morale of both fans and players than a rousing new recording?

Recently I've been coming up with alternative lyrics for Smiths songs for Darlington, but while The Smiths seem strangely appropriate for our local rivals given their current predicament, Pools are on the up and so we need something that reflects the upbeat mood around the Vic. Hey, maybe we can even get Poolie Girl and the rest of Fallen Angels to co-operate with the players in cutting a disc!

So what makes a successful footie song? Sometimes it's just sheer pointlessness: look at the Notts County Wheelbarrow Song: "I had a wheelbarrow, the wheel fell off; I had a wheelbarrow, the wheel fell off" (repeat until bored senseless). Terrace Snacks can also be an inspiration - witness the following from Oldham Athletic: "Meat Pie, Sausage Roll, Come on Oldham give us a goal". In the case of Poolie Favourite Two Little Boys, it's the sense of shared struggle: with the talk of the "ranks so blue" how can any Poolie fail to be moved?

Any suggestions for songs to be adapted - or your own adaptions - can be left on our Message Board, but to get you thinking I'll put up the two Smiths songs for Darlington, and then for us Poolies an adaption of Del Amitri's "Kiss this thing Goodbye":

First of all, "William it was really nothing", especially for own goal specialist Matt Clarke:
The season's hard, in a humdrum town
This goal might drag us down
The season's hard, in a humdrum town
This goal might drag us down

And every fan is blaming me for losing games
But God knows the fault is not mine
God knows the fault is not mine

Matty Clarke, Matty Clarke, it is now two nothing
Matty Clarke, Matty Clarke, it is now two nothing
It was your pass....

How can you play, with a bad side who'll say:
Oh would you like to sign for me?
And if you like you can pick the team
They don't care about defending
Oh would you like to sign for me?
And if you like you can pick the team
I don't dream about Premiership - unlike my bro!
Oh Matty Clarke, Matty Clarke, it is now two nothing
Oh Matty Clarke, Matty Clarke, it is now two nothing

Now, "Ask" re-done to reflect the current situation at Feethams - a cautionary tale for anyone interested in the Manger's job there:

Reynolds is rich, but Reynolds will stop you
From signing all the players that you'd like to
Reynolds is rich, but Reynolds will stop you
From signing all the players that you'd like to
So if there's a striker you'd like to buy
if there's a striker you'd like to buy
Ask him he will say "No, why should I?"

Spending cold autumn days indoors
Making frightening calls
To Scott the Uncovered Webmaster

So ask him ask him ask him,
ask him ask him ask him,
For if it's not good then it's Hodgson, Hodgson, Hodgson, Hodgson,
Hodgson, Hodgson, Hodgson, who will get blamed forever

Agents are unwelcome can't you read
Agents are unwelcome can't you read

So ask him ask him ask him,
ask him ask him ask him,

For if it's not good,
Then it's Hodgson
Then it's Hodgson who will get blamed forever.

Finally, "Kiss this League Goodbye":

It seems like years since we changed divisions
Longer since we went the right way
Now at last it looks like it's changing
You can tell by how we play

All those times when the team was struggling
We could hardly believe our eyes
But now there's signs that fans are returning
The club's full of good vibes

So come on Pools, let's kiss this League goodbye

When we went and appointed Chris Turner
We wondered if it'd turn out wrong
Now he's left and gone to Sheff Wednesday
But still we carry on

For three years now we've been in the playoffs
Promotion just wouldn't come
Now at last we're top of the table
Title to be won!

So come on Pools, let's kiss this League goodbye

Now we're watching the Pools win from the Town End
We're watching them winning away
And we're hoping this year that we'll finally make it
And then we all can say

Come on Pools let's kiss this League goodbye
We can do it by Easter
Because we have the power
We want to kiss this league.... goodbye.