Ok guys, I’ve had no sleep, due to being up all night watching the cricket spending all night with my face in a gasp like expression and that was just at Brett Lee’s wrinkles. So I really need something to cheer me up, I’ve obviously come to the wrong place.

 

Once we finally arrive at Oakwell we find we are the only ones there, ok that may be a bit of an exaggeration, the attendance was announced at a mind blowing 10, 556.

 

Price is back in goal following his injury spell, Bates holds his place in defence with De Vos, Bruce and Harding. Roberts, Walton, Legwinski and Richards hold the midfield with Macken re-joining Lee up front due to Clarke’s injury. Supple, Naylor, Garvan, Williams and Haynes sit coldly on the bench.

 

We start the game proudly informing the Reds of our 3-1 derby victory 6 days ago, then kindly remind them of our 4-2 play off win in 2000.

 

On 4 minutes Knight is caught handling the ball for the Reds from their attacking start, although they are holding possession well De Vos is standing solid in defence and the Town midfield are not making it easy.

 

Harding gets himself in the game with a ball to no one and Lee is in his most comfortable position on 7 minutes, on the floor. Town win a free kick from a tackle on Legwinski but nothing comes from it.

 

Lee stays on his feet for a change in the 8th minute and takes the ball forward for Town, but referee Mr. Eddie Ilderton stops the game and pulls the ball back for a Town free kick.

 

Earnshaw is an alien in the North-West on 10 minutes and once again Harding passes to the invisible man.

 

I know what I’m doing tonight, thanks for the info Aston and De Vos remains in fine form.

 

15 minutes, my professional opinion is hmmmm, but Price does not look troubled by his quick return, maybe it has something to do with his new prison style hair cut.

 

Town win a free kick on 17 minutes for a shove in the back on Lee, but the free kick creates nothing.

 

I’m having trouble seeing the Barnsley players in 20 minutes as they all like the same, like a tub of ketchup.

 

Lee wins a corner which Richards sends in and De Vos sends out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about. Roberts shows off with some fancy footwork, but the incoming ball is too high for Lee who has trouble reaching from sitting on the ground. Yet another fantastic uh hum ball is supplied from Harding.

 

De Vos gives away a free kick on 22 minutes as he has not yet mastered the art of climbing all over someone without looking conspicuous.

 

A minute later Barnsley new boy McCann is down needing treatment, can we fast forward to the bit where it gets good please, I am cold.

 

25 minutes, parental guidance, explicit lyrics.

 

Walton is going mad in the 26th minute and Barnsley win a corner which Walton sends out for a throw.

 

On to the half hour mark between Legwinski and Price, they end a Barnsley attack.

 

I think the Town defence have been staying up to watch the Ashes too, but if I can stay awake to watch them, they can blinkin’ well stay up to play! Walton is playing Rugby, ah well it’s better than nothing, at least it’s a sport.

 

Barnsley’s Kay is booked in the 37th minute for a late tackle on Lee, the free kick is well delivered by Roberts and is well defended, a Town corner, throw and Harding are all cr@p but play remains in the reds half until an offside is given against Town.

 

On 43 minutes there is a bag on the pitch, Knights is offside and Harding is obviously not having one of his better days, not all is lost, at least his hair is still in place, well he isn’t doing anything to cause otherwise.

 

Town have a free kick in injury time of the first half after Nardiello pushes over Legwinski and Richards sends a good ball to Roberts just as the ref blows for half time, I am confident that if play wasn’t stopped Town would have scored from that, I can say that because play WAS stopped so we will never know, and I like my world of ignorance.

 

I stood hoping that the second half would bring improvement (Like I said- I like my world of ignorance) but that didn’t mean it would!

 

Town were now defending at the opposite end of the pitch that I could not see properly but it looked as if Price pulled off a good quick save, apparently he did that a lot in the second half but like I said I can’t see that far.

 

The ball comes in from Lee’s head towards goal in the 47th minute but it falls for the Barnsley no. 1 before Richards can reach for the final touch.

 

In the 50th minute Macken touches the ball, I just thought I’d mention that as that is all he has done, then Town get a corner but it flies over everyone.

 

Derby ‘HERO’ Haynes is warming up with a tea cosy on his head on 52 minutes, well he needs something to keep his brains in (I hear they shrink in the cold don’t they)

 

55 minutes, a glimmer of light appears on the pitch, oh no it was a reflector aimed at Richards… I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the bald sarcasm.

 

Richards makes a brilliant run up field before passing to Macken, Macken passes to Lee (Wow he is really testing the limit there) Lee however passes to the Red’s no. 1 Colgan.

 

2 minutes later Macken is replaced by Haynes- now come on that’s hardly fair, he managed to touch the ball, TWICE.

 

Harding gives away a stupid, pointless free kick in the Town half but it doesn’t trouble Town for too long- then again I don’t think much does, the Tractor boys are so laid back they are practically horizontal, well Alan Lee literally is!

 

Nardiello is replaced by Marc Richards on 61 minutes and Bates is rolling around like a sausage auditioning for the pastry, before being stretchered off and replaced by the long awaited Garvan, Don’t worry Bates, you lasted longer than Le Pen, remember that? No? Neither does he, his playing career at Town was shorter than Rick Waller’s stay at a health farm.

 

Barnsley have a penalty appeal denied on 65, Town are playing dangerously at the back and the Barnsley fans start a chant, it’s an interesting one, chose whatever pleases you:

1-         We want ‘out’- They must be being held against their will although if that was the case, I’d hold a few more than 10 000 in a ground like that.

2-         We want ‘Trout’- not only are they being held against their will they are being starved, and now they are so hungry they will even reduce themselves to eating trout

3-         We want ‘Gout’- Urm

4-         Something completely different.

 

72 minutes gone Williams replaces Roberts for Town and Austin replaces Hassell for the Red’s.

 

Alan Lee becomes a spectator and McCann knocks over the sexy Simon Walton giving Town a free kick, the product from Richards is neat, Williams strikes and Colgan tips over. Corner ball to Town as usual De Vos heads out.

 

At least there is something to make me laugh as a result of Haynes seasonal performance against the Canaries he regains title of a ‘God’ for the time being and the Town fans are getting as excited as a 14 year old hormonal school boy with a fresh-from-uni, hot, female teacher every time Haynes is in close proximity with the ball, ah it’s only a crush.

 

There is trouble in paradise between Barnsley’s Reid and Kay and Hayes is replaces by another Reid somewhere around 80 minutes.

 

Barnsley are supplying pressure to the Tractor boys tires for free towards the latter stages of the match including when Wallwork, I believe, found McCann’s corner ball heading over the Town goal as the Tractor boys slept.

 

To the other end, Richards is tripped but no one responds to his free kick as they are all asleep, still, thanks Austin for trying by giving us a corner, but unless you are going to actually put it in the net for us I wouldn’t bother helping us when we can’t be bothered to help ourselves. It’s refreshing to see some encouraging signs from Garvan through it all and Walton is defending.

 

Welcome back to the game Lee, sorry love, play moved on from there 5 minutes ago.

 

85 minutes gone, another decent ball comes in from Richards and Lee supplies Legwinski who is dead centre on goal, the space opens up for a clear shot but he has caught T.B.D and passes the ball out wide.

 

In the final minute of normal play Haynes gets the ball on half way, does his thing, which unless we are playing the Canaries means he runs it to the edge of the box before losing it.

 

5 minutes added time to be played, oh poop, Town didn’t wait for the final whistle before finishing, in fact the defence probably would have been more use to Price if they had gone in instead of doing nothing and cluttering up his box. Anyhoo what seemed to be a well struck shot from McCann put the home team a goal up and once again Town go home with nothing. As it is never De Vos’ and his defenders fault lets blame Bates, if he hadn’t got injured that time wouldn’t have been played, so Barnsley wouldn’t have scored. I’m sorry that’s not fair, lets blame Richards- we usually do.

 

The Red’s no.5 is booked for clipping Williams ankles, then Garvan is booked for foul play.

 

A good tackle from Walton sums up his personal performance and finally we can go home.

 

In the toilets after the match I hear a woman say “At least they have nice Loo’s” I’m sorry how on earth does that compensate? Give me a bucket any day if that would get us 3 points. Bloody women.

 

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