By Sparkie, filed 14.8.03
August 14 2003

Drunken Wasps got the season off to a scorching start by attempting to take part in the Fat Blokes sideshow at the eleventh Henley International Sevens. The hottest day pitted sixteen teams against each other on pitches a stone's throw from the River Thames.

The Henley Fat Blokes Sevens 2003 -- Pool Stage

Few of the requisite heavies were in evidence at registration. We could hardly complain, or could we? The slimline Drunken Wasps were pooled with Bristol Wobblers, Leeds Lardies and Henley Hippos. As we peered at the bone-hard pitches, LISC's BBQ was in full swing down by the river around BC's boat. Remember the temperature at the Zurich Championship Final at Twickenham? Add another five degrees heat and think stubble instead of lush, green grass and you get the picture...

Eek-the-Weeble in Flatulent Fairy garb treated us to a safety briefing: 1) Warm-up; Warm-down; Drink loads (and even more water). 2) Don't dent any cars when crossing over the road to the main event for a pee. Bisach, Mulled Wine Marie, Sarah the Hawk and others attended to the paperwork.

Rumour had it that Wobblers were missing presumed withdrawn, offering the DWs (Spils; Loose Head the hooker; Stoney; Sleepy Pete; Mellie; Sparkie; Wasp no.11; Meenie; Strider) brief hope of a walkover. Alas, it was not to be. Wobbly Bristols transmuted themselves into well-honed bods, later revealed to be none other than the University of Durham sevens squad (hmmm).

Hamstrung

Clearly our decision not to train was going to hamper our veteran team, especially as our main weapon had trained and pulled out with a hamstring injury (big bar fine). Another of our main weapons had yet to arrive and our third main weapon, a total lack of tactics was blunted further by a ruthless display from the ultra-fit Wobblers to the tune of 63 points to nil. 'Twas to be an uphill struggle for our eight-man squad.

Hope rekindled

Lardies were up next and hopes of a DW win were raised when they revealed their two tactics were deemed redundant against us before kick-off. As we wondered what they could possibly mean, we surprised ourselves and the crowd by winning possession and spending two minutes in their half, mostly buried in a slowly trundling maul. Offensive defence after the ensuing scrummage led to a turnover and Mellie burst through to score under the posts.

Lardies awoke and got their game together. A couple of their probing runs were defended but we could not run the ball from deep. First-class referee, Steve Leyshon, pinged Loose Head at a scrummage for attempting to kick Lardies put-in through their channel. The Yorkshiremen tightened the screw and scored a converted try to turn round 7-5 up.

The second half continued in the same vein as Lardies scored three more tries with the rub of the green to run out deserved 24-5 winners, despite losing Mad Mark Morgan to a twice-dislocated shoulder. The man is clearly a nutter.

Humped by Hippos

The Hors d'oeuvres and main course over, the sweetener was a closing pool game against the hosts, Hippos. Again the Trades' Description Act could have been cited by the scratch DWs but we settled for a local ruling: 50-up = end of game. We were bolstered in the FB department by the arrival of Sleepy Pete but the hosts pulled a fast one by keeping the final score down to 41-0 hiding in the face of a stinging rearguard action.

Hitched: The knockout stage - Jeux Sans Frontières

The DW seven was down to a six with Sparkie's knee doing a good impression of the planet Mars; Stoney's finger pointing in a peculiar direction (was it homewards?) and Mellie's ankle ballooning after Loose Head had hooked it behind our scrummage. This slight hitch was solved by merging the DWs with some redundant Cantab. Wasps -- apparently they'd brought down 15 players for the day. Luxury!

Fat Cats were confirmed as the opposition in the quarter final of the plate competition and James Hogbin (a sometime DW) and his portly cats had little difficulty strutting past us even though we doubled our try count with a dubious late score by Cantab. Tom.

Other highlights included Sleepy Pete tackling like a sitting-down dervish before decomissioning himself with cramp and Wasp no.11 running the width of the field in goal before opting to punt -- if he'd gone perpendicularly he might even have scored.

Out for the count, or, They used to play on grass

Having lost four games on the trot our reserve tactic came into play (once we had supported the Cantabs. as they waltzed to a final place against Wobblers in the main event), namely, putting in an appearance at the bar as early as possible. Apparently Wobblers took the final 52-5 against Cantab. Wasps and Lardies took the plate against Sinners, proving that our pool was indeed as hard as the pitch!

There were knocks aplenty which decimated some teams, including Large's befezzed ones (bruised ribs; broken elbow, etc.) and a concussed Sinbad the Saint who was transported aloft by helicopter to hospital. Methinks a little tinkering with the rules may be in order or plenty of padding for knees, elbows and shoulders for the rollerball conditions.

Naturally Army proceeded to win the main international bit, toying with a useful looking Saints seven (following tips from the Fat Bloke demonstration game in the arena). Unsurprisingly DWs were among the last to leave the bar, a.p.u., discounting the Flatulent Fairies crowd by the river. Many thanks to LISC and Henley and the referees for a memorable day. See you at HQ for a more relaxing day's sevens.

Related links: Golly and JCB's photos | Leeds Lardies' report