By A.R.S.E.
November 28 2006

Robbo gives his A.R.S.E. one final flourish: As you wake this morning and read this article over your cornflakes, or whilst taking a prolonged dump with the newspaper at work, spare a thought for the events last night.   The Last 24 Hours

Late yesterday evening, the RFU decided that, given Dobbin was looking tired and withdrawn and had failed to produce a productive day’s work for at least two-years, the vet should be called.

The vet’s prognosis was that Dobbin was in terminal decline and that the kindest thing to do in the circumstances was to put him, and everyone else out of their misery. Speaking exclusively to A.R.S.E., the vet, James Herriott, declared that he had not seen such a useless looking beast in all his years in the business.

He offered to do the dirty work for the RFU, but, going against their long-held principles, they declined the offer. Ever with an eye for a quick buck, they sniffed profit and glue (but not necessarily in that order). Under the cover of darkness, Dobbin was smuggled to the knackers’ yard. Details are still sketchy as to the exact location, but it is believed to be somewhere in the vicinity of Bath.

As we mourn the loss of a once great one-trick pony, we should pause to reflect on his great achievements of the last few years. As they say at kindergarten, “Enough of the horse-play.”

The Last 24 Months

In the last two-year’s, Dobbin took England to an unprecedented level in the professional era. As England lifted Old Bill in 2003, few would have predicted our current position.

Of course, there were opportunities to reduce deferred-success and achieve even greater results. However, this would have meant postponing the development of the next generation of international stars. Tindall, Cohen, Thompson, White and TBF Bit We (aka The Best Full Back in the World Ever) are such examples. Wheat has been sorted from the chaff – the winnowing has taken young, promising players and, via the expert management and tutelage of the coaches, found them wanting at international level. This firmly established that there was no long-term international future for the likes of Varndell, Voyce, Van Giz, Flood, Paul and possibly Allen, Noon and Tait, whilst Dobbin was in charge. In this instance, long term appears to mean 6-months.

The squad now has plenty of strength in depth, with players experienced in many different positions. Whilst this has prevented them from mastering any role, the importance of all round skills is a key plank of any squad’s development and cannot be under-estimated. This is why, when the chips were down and team under almost unbearable pressure, substitutes were thrown on in what looked like panic.

It is these firm foundations that leave Dobbin’s successor with plenty to build on for the future. The good news is that there is plenty of building to be done!

Regardless of how history judges Dobbin, it will never question his loyalty. To many, his loyalty was his greatest asset, particularly for those players regarded by many should not suitable to be in the squad or captain. This loyalty would either allow players to blossom in the side or grow fat on the glory-days of old. Dobbin’s decisions were clearly justified as this engineered lack of competition-for-places clearly influenced the performances and motivation of players. Above all, he has remained loyal to the job and the salary he earned – lesser people would have quit in the 6N aftermath or following the Argentina result.

And, before Dobbin is judged ultimately to have failed as a leader, it must be remembered that some of the greatest leaders are those that keep their heads, whilst others are losing theirs. The best of example of this came after the 6N when numerous heads rolled in coaching and administration within Team England. Despite the carnage, Dobbin survived. What better examples of leadership (and loyalty) are there?

In recent months, additional motivation, not pressure, has been placed on the team. Rather than just playing for the team and the game plan, players understood the importance of results for the jobs of their captain and Head Coach. Given the results, we can safely conclude that this was a point of focus rather than distraction.

The Heinz 57

The senior members of the RFU also deserve a special mention. Their combined lack of rugby expertise, particularly anything relating to professionalism, has allowed Team England to function without interference, guidance or direction – all to the benefit of performance and results. If was far better that these people focussed on developing the South Stand, arranging needless fixtures, ensuring harmony between club-and-country by going to court with the professional clubs and attending as many Gin parties as possible. It is lovely to know that, despite the onslaught of professionalism, there is still room for rampant amateurism in the game’s administration.

The Next 24 Hours and Beyond

As for Dobbin’s successor, I’m backing Mike Friday. I have no rugby justification for my decision. As my succession of Press Releases has hopefully demonstrated, I do not have the first clue about rugby (I think I’m only outdone on this point by Dobbin and Alastair Campbell). My decision is based purely on the desire to maximise my earnings potential, a trick I learned from Dobbin. I’ve copyrighted the tabloid headline, “Robinson replaced by Friday,” and I’m selling it to the highest bidder.

Do not worry about my future; I’ve had plenty of job offers. George Bush wants me in charge of press communiqués on Iraq; Blair wants the same for the NHS; and Gordon Brown wants me to make him look exciting. I’m definitely considering the first two, but, as for the last and as much as I love a challenge, I really cannot do the impossible.

So, with one brown-eye winking at you, I bid you farewell

A.R.S.E.

PS for the sake of English Rugby, I really do hope this is the final A.R.S.E. piece.