By Monkey1
March 30 2013

 Newcastle Falcons today confirmed that they intend to appeal against being relegated out of the Premiership. A spokesman said “We do not think it is fair that the whole club, the players and supporters should suffer because of the rogue actions of just one man.”  

In a press room packed with reporter Mark Smith, he continued “This was totally beyond our control and it seems unfair that we should pay such a heavy price when there was nothing that we could have done to prevent it. Mr Vesty was acting completely alone when he decided to celebrate scoring that try without grounding the ball, and that irresponsible action gave London Wasps a 4 point advantage which we consider to be unfair and contrary to the greater good of the game.”

Edward Duncan speaking on behalf of the club denied press speculation that they had delayed the decision to appeal for nearly a year because they fancied a jolly to Jersey on exes. “We decided not to inform the RFU until we had conducted our own internal inquiry to review all of the facts” he said “After that it was necessary for Mr Robbit our legal representative to review our review properly.” Mr Robbit, only recently released from prison, then spoke at length about the precise legal aspects of the review but nobody understood a word of it.

In a further twist, Mr Duncan then announced that the club would also be reporting the RFU to the Office of Fair Trading for what they see as being an uneven playing field in the Premiership. “As the club that is located furthest away from Twickenham, we feel that we have a definite competitive disadvantage. We have a lot further to travel to buy nice lunches & bottles of wine for the old farts at HQ when we want to get our own way, and we consider this to be an uncompetitive situation.”

We asked RFU Head of Regions Phil Blazer what the response would be to this claim. At first he denied that Newcastle Falcons were his responsibility “I am informed that Newcastle Falcons are located at Kingston Park in a place called Newcassul” he said “and that this is located north of Hadrian’s Wall, so you will have to talk to the Scottish lot about them, if you can understand a bloody word they say.” After showing him a map however that clearly showed Kingston Park to be in England, he accepted that they were the responsibility of the RFU. “As head of Regions I am obviously most concerned that they should be included as equals under the umbrella of the RFU” he said “no matter how dirty or northern they are.”

If successful, the action being considered by Newcastle Falcons could see the headquarters of the RFU forced to move to a more central location such as Leicester, but experts in the sport consider this will make little difference, as the RFU has been run from Leicester for many years anyway.

Mr Edward expressed hopes that the matter could now be concluded speedily. “We hope that the RFU will appreciate that we brought this matter to their attention as soon as we felt it was appropriate, and that they will reach a speedy conclusion in our favour. Hopefully this will make the visit by Bristol at the end of the season unnecessary, as last time they were here it took weeks to get the smell of cider out of the place.”

The RFU panel to consider both matters will be convened early next week in the Palace Hotel in Monaco, and it is expected that the members of the panel will be announced over the weekend when the queue has died down.