By Oscar Wilde
January 20 2006

Well, the ticket was only 15 quid, which is a bargain for a premier league match*.

 

*It’s not actually a bargain as we all know, it’s a rip off, but relative to other premier league admittance prices, it’s a bargain.

 

Erm, that’s it really. Against my better judgement I decided to purchase a City fanzine outside the ground, it appeared to be a Wigan special edition as it focused squarely on our beloved team and town. Such delightful things they said about us, such as: “sad little northern town”, “they (Latics) are on a downward spiral”, “anything to do with Wigan is good for a laugh”, “they (Wiganers) like nothing more than putting a ferret down the front of their trousers”, and last but not least: “Wigan, the simpletons of the North”.

I sat there, chewing my bit of straw, in my flat cap, wondering about how they could possibly build buildings so big, and not even out of wood!!! Their ground was made from some strange futuristic material, and big metal birds flew overhead during the match!!

 

Anyway, Jermaine Pennant has a head made out of lead. It can be the only explanation as to why he kept on up-ending everytime a Latics player went anyway near him. The lovable Jermaine you may recall, was jailed for three months for drink-driving whilst banned. His car was dragging a lamp post and he couldn’t speak or see properly he was so intoxicated when arrested by the police.

 

When this utterly repellent and odious scumbag’s header hit the back of our net, I felt physically sick.

 

And let us not forget Mr Steve Bruce. What a Brucie-bonus he got beating us after dumping on us from a lofty height. That evening on Match of the Day, his beaming, nay glowing countenance, grinned out at us from the wondrous box that fills with light when I connect it to the wall with the magic string; a sherry induced patois on his chubby cheeks. What a lovable rogue he is!!!