By Andy Morgan
February 11 2006

Abramovich’s millions... primadonnas... world class football... Frank Lampard... fifteen point lead... unbeatable... Champions elect... Jose Moriniho... finest squad in the world... blah blah blah. Let’s just cut to the memories... The Oort Cloud
Middlesbrough 2-0 Chelsea, Play off Final 1st leg, 25/05/1988

It was exactly five years to the day that Return of the Jedi had given us the music of Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band (with Droopy McCool on bongos), and while Frank Oz, Paul Weller and Mike Myers were all celebrating birthdays, this day would eventually go on to be remembered as Towel Day.

Section 28 (outlawing promotion of homosexuality in schools) had just been passed the day before this match, so I had to learn about gay sex the hard way.

Also, the week after this match, The Timelords reached number one with Doctorin’ the Tardis. It was in fact just the KLF under a different name, but hey, they had a Dalek doing an impression of Harry Enfield character “Loadsamoney” at the beginning of the track. And it also featured Paul Gadd who would go on to get a job with the Vietnamese tourist board.

“Loadsaloadsamoney” was something that the Chelsea fans shouted I remember, which is perhaps more apt these days. We won 2-0 by the way.

Smogmonster
Chelsea 1-0 Middlesbrough (agg 1-2), Play-off Final 2nd leg, 28/05/1988

Back in the mists of time I remember attending the play-off in 1987-1988. The job was already half done with a 2-0 win at Ayresome Park and we all got prepared for the away leg. I remember it being the first English footie match a group of Kiwi mates (from Hamilton no less, which is where Stunt Face is from) had ever attended. So off we set for the long journey from Shepherds Bush which was where I was living at the time to Stamford Bridge by way of a few hostelries along the way.

The Boro fans were in jubilant mood until Chelsea scored, and as always seems the case for Boro fans, we were left with a nail biting end to the game. After all the Boro don’t believe in doing anything the easy way. The final whistle blew to a 1-0 win for Chelsea meaning a season in Division Two for them and the promotion to the lofty heights of Division One for the mighty Boro.

There were scenes of euphoria amongst the travelling and migrant fans such as me, and of course the honorary Boro fans from down under. Those looks of joy soon turned to despair on the faces of said Kiwi mates however as the home savages soon became restless and rampaged towards our end pelting bottles and cans and whatever else they could find to hand at the Boro fans. Some tried to scale what seemed real massive wire fencing. Once our Kiwi mates had got over the shock of witnessing their first and probably only taste of English hooliganism a fun night was had by all with many a downed in celebration of Boro’s rise to Division One... Come on Boro!

Coleraine Boro
Middlesbrough 2-0 Chelsea, 26/08/1995

I listened to the whole game by live commentary on the telephone, being charged a national rate for the privilege. Mad or what? It was however a special game as it was the first competitive game at the Riverside. We won 2-0 with Barmby and Hignett the scorers. I remember the crowd going wild after the second goal and the Riverside roaring like mad – we instantly felt comfortable in our new home. Watched the highlights later on Match of the Day and I was as proud as a peacock (not Alan Peacock though…), with the result and with our magnificent new stadium.

Middlesboro Red & White Sox
Chelsea 2-0 Middlesbrough, FA Cup Final, 17/05/1997

After many years growing up watching the FA Cup final I settled down to watch Boro play in their first ever ‘serious’ final. All the family had been invited round, the beer had been in the fridge for a couple of hours, the BBQ was heating up nicely (no cheating gas shite for me!) and the neighbours had been warned that a load of northern monkeys would be making some noise.

Less than a minute in and Chelsea score. Talk about mass deflation. Poured myself another beer, sat down and watched the rest. When Festa scored - if only the bastard ref could have let us have it - we all cheered. Apart from the two-month old baby who nearly had a heart attack. Whoops.

Eddie Newton scored and all our hopes were gone. I buggered off outside to start the Barbie. I couldn’t watch a moment more. At full time the phone rang.

I answered...

..to hear my dad singing "Blue is the colour...". He doesn’t even like football.

Wanker.

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