By James Bassett
November 21 2005

THE EDDIE GUERRERO ISSUE. 300-4 is an ominous looking score at the end of the first day. Tresco, Bell and Vaughan better have their batting gloves on. Oh, and Steve McClaren, if you’re reading this... we really don’t need to sign Roy Keane. I know you won’t be able to resist putting a bid in, but please, let Sam Allardyce have him. Another injury-prone midfielder with his best years behind him we don’t need.

Let’s do this……………

“Every wet nurse refused to feed him.”

Colin Cooper, 176, has hinted he may hang up his boots at the end of the season. The Robert Carlyle-lookalike has failed to make a first team appearance this season, though he has been a regular in the over-80s reserve side. The former Millwall and Nottingham Forest pensioner has been working on his coaching badges with Gareth Southgate, as he attempts to slow the sands of time with a new career after playing.

Though unsure as to what will happen at the season's end, the veteran defender seems ready to call it a day at the club he started his career with. “One thing I can't say is what will happen at the end of the season,” the ageing Cooper told the Evening Gazette before settling down for the evening with an electric blanket, a mug of cocoa and Des Lynam’s Countdown.

“It looks as though my playing career will end, but you never know whether someone will ask you to do this or that.” Or this or that or this or that or this or that, he absentmindedly continued.

“I am taking my coaching qualifications in tandem with Gareth and I am fortunate that I am able to work in the academy, with the support of Dave Parnaby. I have the media work that I do as well, and I don't know what will happen there. But I can look back on twenty fantastic years. I have learned you can't plan too far ahead, and now I wait to see what the future holds." Driving constantly at 5mph and wearing your trousers round your armpits, this writer might suggest.

“It’s so relieving to know that you’re leaving as soon as you get paid.”

With all the speed of his midfield partner Doriva, George Boateng is edging closer towards signing a new deal with Middlesbrough.

Boateng’s representative, Sigi Lens, has revealed that that a positive outcome now looks increasingly likely. “We are still talking and hopefully something will be done by the end of the month or the beginning of December,” Lens told Sky Sports, while notorious deal procrastinator Keith Lamb penciled in a meeting ten minutes before the kick-off the 2006-2007 season.

“Nothing was happening at first, but now we are talking positively and are closer than ever. The club are keen for George to stay, the fans love him and George has always said he wants to stay with the club.” Only if they pay him fifteen zillion pounds per second, he didn’t need to add.

Still, it’s not all good news for Boro. Ginger-haired possession squanderer Ray Parlour has announced that he is likely to be back in the first team before Christmas.

“Everyone is gay.”

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has admitted that he would like to finish his playing career at Middlesbrough.

“If I have the opportunity of finishing my career with Middlesbrough, I will grab the money, I mean, it, with both hands,” he half-said. “I am still hungry for success and there are still a lot of things I want to do. But that (earning lots of money at Middlesbrough, presumably) is my biggest remaining ambition.”

"My contract is up at the end of this season and, in a perfect world, I would like to play for two more seasons after that. In a really perfect world, both of those seasons would be here at Middlesbrough.”

And, in a really, really, really perfect world I’d get to fuck Charlize Theron. What’s your point, Jimmy?

“Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld.”

In more space-filling interview news, Malcolm “In The Middle Of The Treatment Room” Christie has vowed to make a return to first team football. Christie, who suffers from a debilitating illness which means that he has egg shells instead of bones, has broken his leg twice and fractured his foot twice in the last two years.

“I am not going to be Middlesbrough’s forgotten man, that’s a major motivation for me,” somebody, somewhere, mumbled. “Not many people were aware I had broken my foot because it was a secret. People are always asking about my injuries and I do get fed up. I would prefer to talk about pulling on a Middlesbrough shirt again.” An act that would probably result in a career-threatening broken back, one can’t help but imagine.

“You’ll always stink and burn.”

A confident, attacking performance from Boro ended in a 3-2 victory in their game against Fulham on Sunday afternoon.

After an even opening, the Cottagers took an early lead with a sensational volley from Collins John, which bore an uncanny resemblance to a Mark Viduka’s stunning first against Birmingham earlier in the season.

Despite trailing, Boro had the better chances in the first half and should probably have been awarded a penalty when Zat Knight unceremoniously barged Yakubu over in the Fulham area. Uriah Rennie, unwilling to break his correct decision duck, was unmoved.

Minutes later Steed Malbranque was denied by a Gareth Southgate block, the Boro captain returning in place of the hapless Ugo Ehiogu, who was dropped from the squad altogether. On the whole, Boro responded well to being behind and attacked incessantly for much of the half.

Jimmy Hasselbaink was prevented from testing the love-bitten Tony Warner - did you see the size of that hickie? Some chick with a big mouth must’ve spent Saturday night attached to his neck - by a block from the lanky and crap Zat Knight. Hasselbaink was then thwarted by his own incompetence when he flung himself at a Yakubu cross.

A simple diving header probably would’ve done the trick but the Dutchman missed the ball altogether. Boro’s best chance of the half fell to Frank Queudrue, whose diving header from a Rochemback corner hit Warner in the chest and rebounded to safety.

Nonetheless, despite dominating their opponents and creating a string of chances, Boro were booed off at half-time.

The early stages of the second half were as untidy as Sharon Osbourne’s drain but it was Boro who made the most of their possession. Franck Queudrue sent a dangerous cross to the far post and only Chris Riggott’s back denied JFH a goal.

With the tempo of the game raised, Fulham broke on the hour mark and only the post denied Brian McBride, whose glancing header had beaten Brad Jones. Four minutes later, Boro secured parity. Yakubu chipped a cross to the unmarked Jim Morrison, whose Moonlight Drive sailed past Warner.

Just six minutes later, Fulham were back in front. Papa Bouba Diop rose above Queudrue from John’s corner and headed past Jones and Morrison.

Hasselbaink squandered a good chance to equalise when he toe-poked the ball wide after more good work from the excellent Yakubu. However, the equaliser didn’t take long to arrive. Southgate charged forward and fired in a low cross, Jimmy slid the ball against Yakubu and it ended up in the back of the net. Fulham will feel aggrieved as Yakubu appeared to be in an offside position when Jimmy touched the ball. However, after the farce at Upton Park, Boro deserved their luck.

Hasselbaink made it four goals in twenty minutes when he collected a cross from Parnaby, dummied Volz and fired home with his right foot. A magnificent block from Queudrue denied Diop a late equaliser before Rochemback and Yakubu played keep-ball in the Fulham corner for the final five minutes.

The Skinny

Boring, boring Boro! What’s that? Oh.

Of course, if you don’t like McClaren, you’ll say that we squandered chances, fell behind twice and had to rely on a dodgy goal to get the win. I’ll, and any other right-minded people, will say, we out-passed Fulham, out-played them, created more chances than any other side did this weekend (according to Opta, no less) and ran out deserved winners.

I’m heading to New York for a week, so when I return expect us to have lost to an excellent Alkmaar side, thrashed West Brom and progressed in the Carling Cup. For what it’s worth, I’m going to see the New York Jets versus New Orleans Saints next Sunday. That, my friends is boring football. And only $58 for the privilege! What’s more, I’m told to expect an 80,000 sell out. What the fuck?

And with that……….