By James Bassett
November 14 2005

So, our footballers finally remembered that they’re quite good and beat Argentina in the most exciting friendly since, well, ever. Our rugby players added further embarrassment to Australia and, in Multan, our cricketers have secured the upper hand against Pakistan. Almost makes you proud to be English, doesn’t it? At least until you stumble into your local high street at 11pm and see the locals covering themselves in WKD, punches and vomit.

Meanwhile, north of the border, isn’t it nice that in this age of sack-happy Chairman, a convicted paedophile is able to find gainful employment in the SPL.

Let’s do this……………

“And in his shirt pocket up close to his heart was his autographed picture of Robert Mitchum, which he no doubt used in some impure way.”

Gormless winger Stewart Downing has admitted that he is determined to return to full fitness as soon as possible. Which, of course, isn’t really news, but when it’s international friendly week, you take what you can get.

The 21-year-old, who is being treated for swallowing a fly after a typical open-mouthed run down the left flank, has been working hard on his rehabilitation and is hopeful that he can force his way into England's World Cup squad. Downing has not played for more than two months after undergoing surgery, and is set to be sidelined until the end of the year but he feels that if he returns in January he will have enough time to impress Sven Goran Eriksson. And then be ignored in favour of Wayne Bridge or Jamie Carragher.

  “I want to be back for the Newcastle game at the start of January so I will have longer this time to impress”, Downing told The Daily Mail, who managed to find room to report the story amongst their pleas for anyone looking a bit foreign to be held in detention for 600 days by the police.

“I still have time on my side and hopefully I can be the surprise one in the squad. I haven't booked holidays and I'd like to think I will be spending next summer at the World Cup.” In a Düsseldorf bar with Paul Konchesky and Emile Heskey, he could’ve added.

Downing then spoke briefly about the rehabilitation process. “There have been dark moments,” he admitted as he pulled on his Marilyn Manson t-shirt and applied some black nail varnish. “The first couple of weeks after the second operation were not good. I was depressed and fed up,” he concluded before disappearing into his bedroom to listen to pointless German noiseniks, Rammstein.

“I bet he’s out right now with his Nazi whore – that’s right, I said it, that’s what she is – and when he finally saunters back at three or four, don’t let him in.  Put the chain on the door.”

Raisin-faced smugaholic Steve McClaren believes Friar Tuck lookalike Gaizka Mendieta is capable of reproducing the form that once made him one of Europe's most sought after talents. The former Lazio and Barcelona reject was the architect of Boro's superb 4-1 victory over Manchester United two weeks ago, a performance which finally marked his successful return from a knee ligament injury. Another decent performance against Everton last Sunday failed to end in victory but McClaren has highlighted the Spaniard's potency in a rejigged five-man midfield.

“We played that formation a couple of times last season,” said McClaren, fooling no one. “I remember at Old Trafford especially when he played in a three in midfield and really caused them problems - we wanted the same again, and he has certainly caused some problems.” Which is true, but not only did Mendieta sky a fabulous chance to put Boro 2-0 up, it was a game which also relied on Szilard Nemeth as a lone striker, suggesting that Boro’s point might have had more to do with luck than McClaren’s supposed expertise.

McClaren continued, “No-one deserves it better than Gaizka for what he's been through in the past year, how hard he's worked. In fact, he worked so hard we had to give him a week off and say `Go away, do nothing and enjoy the sunshine'.”  Now, hold on, he’s played 630 minutes of football in thirty days and taken home £128,000. Jeez, if anyone’s earned a holiday, it’s Gaizka.

“They picked me up in their brand new Dodge and we went to Trader Vic’s or Mr. Ricks and I ordered, like the others, a zombie.”

George Boateng, who has recently earned a recall to the international scene, appeared to have suffered what was described as a 'serious' looking injury on Wednesday. By Thursday, this injury had been downgraded to not actually existing. The Boro chopper collided with Barcelona's Mark van Bommel and like many other midfielders before him, van Bommel came off worse and now faces an eight-week spell on the sidelines.

“The good news for me is that I was back in training after my collision with Mark van Bommel,” Boateng sniggered to Icons while removing the spiked kneepad from his leg. “I’m hoping that I’ll get some minutes on the pitch against Italy,” Boateng said as he took a 2x4 to Rafael van der Vaart’s knee. 

“The manager was very pleased with my performances in training and that’s probably why he called me up again,” Boateng concluded, before running off to the trample all over the rest of the Dutch midfield. He must’ve missed out Philip Cocu however, as Boateng only came on as a ninetieth minute substitute for the PSV midfielder.

The Skinny

Given that we only beat good teams at The Riverside, expect us to lose 2-0 to Fulham. In fact, don’t expect us to win again until 3rd December, when we pop down to Stamford Bridge.

Right, back to Football Manager 2006. Damn you, Sports Interactive. I want my life back!

And with that……….