By Dick Straughan
June 24 2007

With just hours left to run on his contract at the Whitehall Wasters rumours of a move for Tony Blair to the Cornish Pirates have been quashed. The Wasters Number 10 had been hoping for a fresh challenge in Cornwall until the Pirates moved to dismiss the story as "a chain of untruths".

Since announcing that he would leave the Wasters, Blair has remained hopeful of picking up a new job without too much effort. In recent months, following confirmation that he would be succeeded at Number 10 by the pugnacious Scot - Bully Brown, his attempts to find a new club have become increasingly desperate. Now with his contract just hours from expiring, Blair faces the prospect of having to start again as a free agent.

At the turn of the year it was widely expected that he would move to America and take up a place in the World Bank Thieves first team. This transfer was vetoed at the eleventh hour when club owners, the Bush Family, swooped to land local boy, Robert Zoellick.

Blair then toured Africa looking for a club but found nobody willing to meet his hefty wage demands. This last weekend has seen him in Rome where he has held secret talks with Pontiff of the Vatican Cardinals, a highly influential outfit in the Italian Ecclesiastical Conference.

The Cornish Pirates were surprised to hear that Blair may be joining them and an Unofficial spokesman said, "This is news to us. We don`t want him especially as he causes trouble wherever he goes. He always costs people money. On top of that he can`t play rugby to save his life."

Unless Blair is saved from damnation by the Cardinals his only slim hope of a rugby career lies with the Middle East Envoys in the Pan-Arabian league. The Bush family may yet rescue him with a fringe role as a squad player in their World Series outfit.

As the Unofficial Pirates spokesman added, "all this speculation is doing nobody any good. It can start wars. Blair is not good enough to be a Pirate."