By Pat - 8th February 2006
February 8 2006

Tardis report.

Leeds United v Chelsea.

April 8th 1998, Elland Road.

Weather: Chucking it down all day!


I picked myself up and looked around. The Tardis warp drive had worked ok, so why was I

a) On the floor of the Tardis with a toilet seat on my head
b) Sitting on the huge cheese quarter pounder that my wife had lovingly made prior to me setting off.
c) Watching water pour into the tardis roof.

The dials on the “Speedo warp” drive clearly now said “Elland Road”. The multiresponsive gegulation device was also showing a green light, which meant that I had landed. The “Fook me you got it right” dial was indicating a direct hit. So why the bumpy landing, and although I had left home only 2.4 seconds ago, why was the Anno domino counter saying 1998??

I decided that I had to go out of the Tardis and investigate.

As I shut the door of the Tardis behind me, the torrential rain hit me. Then it punched me, kicked me and finally soaked me. I was indeed at Elland Road, and although it was pouring with Rain, I was cheered by the sight of the Hot Dog stand, and ordered myself some provisions for the match.
The tardis, which looks on the outside like a portable toilet, had landed slightly skew wiff next to the Billy Bremner statue. Quite worryingly, a queue was forming..

Outside the Peacock, I could hear the excited chatter about the match, and I crossed the road and went and ordered myself a pint. Chelsea were to visit today, under the management of Luca Vialli, and already with one cup to their name this season. Our last visit to Stamford Bridge in December saw a nil-nil draw with two Leeds players being sent off. “No fooking change there then” said a rather portly man in his fading top man shirt. “ I expec it will be six a side by half time tha knows”!!

I quickly finished my pint and took two bumper size cheese rolls with me (in case the hunger set in) and hurried across to the ground.

I bought myself a programme and settled into my seat, just above the dugouts for the best view. The crowd were already on a roll with chants of “stand up if you hate man u”, and “when I was just a little boy…”

Just before the teams ran out, a presentation party came onto the pitch and presented flowers to the Pilot and crew of the aircraft That carried the Leeds squad and so nearly crashed a few weeks earlier when taking off from Stanstead as the plane ran into difficulties. This presentation received rapturous applause from both the home and away fans.

As the presentation party left the field, the tannoy then announced…”Ladies and Gentlemen. Leeds United are in the tunnel!”

As the teams ran on to the pitch, I could see the importance of this match. Leeds chasing a European dream needed to show the world that they could match up to the more quality opposition, and as the teams ran out the crowd were wild, cheering and yet at the same time scowling at the large Chelsea contingent behind the goal.

George Graham walked along the touchline and settled into the dugout below me.

As referee David Elleray started the match, Leeds went straight for the throat with Bowyer setting a long ball up the left flank. Kewell, out of position only managed to scuff the ball to the grateful Dimitri Kharine in the Chelsea goal.

Chelsea tried to get a grip on the game, and Gianfranco Zola and Mark Hughes posed several problems for Molenaar and Wetherall, but the two defenders managed to stave off the early onslaught.

With seven minutes gone, Leeds gained a throw in, half way into the Chelsea half on the left wing. Harte took the throw quickly and found Hasselbaink. As Jimmy ran towards the goal, everyone seemed to back off him. He reached the edge of the penalty area, and left Duberry and Charvet standing in his wake. He let fly an absolute barnstormer from the edge of the area that evaded the hapless Kharine and went in off the left hand post.

The whole stadium went absolutely crazy in celebration, and it was obvious that this summer signing, so quiet in his first few months at the club, was now becoming a hero. I duly celebrated his 18th goal of the season with a hot dog and a ham roll from my picnic hamper.

I had just finished my second hot dog, and the crowd had barely settled down, when Chelsea, in their first meaningful attack of the game, equalised.
Michael Duberry took the throw in level with the right hand side of the Leeds penalty area found Mark Hughes on the edge of the area. His clever back header left Kelly wrong footed and found Charvet just inside the area. His explosive volley left Nigel Martyn with no chance as the ball flew into the bottom right hand corner of the net.

This goal fired up the Chelsea fans, but also fired up the home fans, and the din inside the ground reached fever pitch as we tried to push our teams to greater glory. First Chelsea came close as Hughes managed to dummy Hiden on the edge of the box and let a low volley out that Nigel Martyn scrambled away for a corner. Then from that same corner, Duberry headed over the bar.

Leeds however were building, with Bowyer getting more and more confidence in midfield, making mazy runs that left Le Saux and Morris at full stretch trying to stop him. Harry Kewell was threatening all the time, but failed to make the final ball count as Le Saux and Newton twice thwarted him.

Gunnar Halle, with a quiet game so far was then fouled near the edge of the Area by Andy Myers. Gary Kelly’s free kick swept across the penalty area, finding David Wetherall at the far post, and his perfect header left Kharine and his defenders wrong footed. 22 minutes gone and Leeds were back in the lead!!

Leeds finished the first half with wave after wave of attack, and Hasselbaink and Kewell were posing the Chelsea defence many problems, but I couldn’t help feeling that Chelsea were waiting to pounce, and I was very relieved when the half time whistle went!

During the interval the atmosphere was electric with the usual loony’s taking off their shirts in the pouring rain and singing “Champions of Europe”, and the Chelsea fans trying to outsing the locals!! I bought two sausage rolls from a vendor and then settled back into my seat, waiting for the second half. It was absolutely pouring with rain, as it had all day. The pitch was beginning to cut up, and I couldn’t help but wonder if my poor tardis was ok, parked next to Billy Bremner out the front of the Stadium!

As the second half started, Leeds were definitely on a mission, and I had barely finished my Mars Bar when Harry Kewell broke into the Chelsea half, and did a quick one –two with Alfie Haaland. Kewell passed out to the left wing, and Ian Harte sent a perfect cross to the far post, which Hasselbaink powerfully nodded into the net! 3-1 Leeds!

Chelsea came back strongly with Wise and Zola taking charge of the game. However, Leeds were not to be intimidated, and twice Kewell and Hasselbaink broke through only to be denied by the keeper.

I was just unwrapping a pork pie when Chelsea gained a free kick just outside the Area. Dennis Wise took a perfect free kick that flew over the wall, and was indeed goal bound when Martyn somehow produced the save of the match and tipped the ball onto the crossbar and over!

Hughes tried his usual diving and barging, but referee Elleray was not to be fooled, and Leeds finished the stronger with Haaland beating Kharine twice, only to see his efforts roll agonisingly wide.

As the final Whistle blew on an excellent open game, Leeds moved to Fourth in the premiership. Chelsea were beaten, and beaten well.

I made my way out of the ground, and walked back to the Tardis. Rain was still pouring down on Elland Road, but spirits were high as Leeds managed to break the usual George Graham mould and scored three with an awesome display of football.

Back in my Tardis, I had a cup of tea and a Ham roll to tide me through the 2.4-second journey home, I was very happy indeed.

I had seen a result against Chelsea that was rarer than a thread without an SA post, and I had also witnessed the beginning of something good!

How would things turn out for this emerging Leeds team?? Only time would tell!



Leeds United. Martyn, Molenaar (Haaland 46) Hiden, Wetherall, Kelly, Bowyer, Radebe, Harte, Hasselbaink, Kewell.

Subs not used: Lilley, Beeney, Mathews, Hopkin.


Chelsea. Kharine, Lee, Duberry, Myers, Charvet, Newton (Lambourde 64) Morris, (P. Hughes 82) Wise, Le Saux, Zola (Flo 64) M.Hughes.

Subs not used: Vialli, Hitchcock.




See you next time on the Tardis!