By Pat
June 6 2005

Latest rounds of matches as my team, Phoenix Whites, hits a purple patch... Results and Reports for Round 9 and 10. 4th and 5th June. Pilot field, Hastings United FC. Round 9

Phoenix Whites 8 Leeds Ultras 4
Ellands Eroes 2 Magnificent Six 0
Leeds Mullets 2 Loidis United 1
PSV Hangover 0 Bramley Whites 2
PLS Peacocks 3 Gelderd end 1
Mrs Koppy 2 Mighty Whites 1
Dills Dopes 2 Rochdale Whites 3
Ginger Ninjas 4 Untouchables 1
Hildas Heroes 1 Fookin Invincibles 4
Tetley Whites 1 Roaring super whites 6
Chicago Whites 4 Supermen 4
Leeks united 0 Total Badass Muthas 4
Taffys terrors 4 Best of whites 5
Blue and Whites 2 South Wales whites 5


Round 10

Rochdale Whites 4 Phoenix Whites 5
Leeds Ultras 1 Magnificent Six 6
Ellands Eroes 3 Loidis 2
Leeds Mullets 0 Bramley Whites 1
PSV Hangover 2 Gelderd end 0
Mrs Koppy 3 PL’s Peacocks 4
Dills Dopes 7 Untouchables 4
Ginger Ninjas 1 Fookin Invincibles 4
Hildas heroes 0 Roaring Super Whites 3
Tetley Whites 1 Supermen 4
Chicago Whites 0 Total Badass Muthas 1
Leeks United 0 Best of Whites 3
Taffys Terrors 3 South Wales Whites 4
Blue and Whites 4 Mighty Whites 3




Event Report.

The sun was beating down on the ground, and a fresh mist coming in from the Sea as I arrived at the Pilot field, Home of Hastings United. A small non league ground, but with an excellent shop! A very large Bar, with balcony looking out over the pitch near the goalmouth and a very compact Burger bar near the corner flag are just some of the features of this quaint but impressive little Stadium. This weekend was going to be the biggest gathering of stars since King Harold met his match on fields very near here all those years ago. This time, the stars were different. All warriors, I’ll grant you, and many would prove themselves in battle by the end of the weekend.

Mrs Koppy arrived first, not letting her leadership status go to her head at all. Her limousine rolled through the gates majestically. The driver, Koppy to be exact opened the door for her muttering something about “you wait till I’m top” but his words were lost in the clicks of cameras and flashbulbs. Mrs Koppy walked straight to the Bar, pausing briefly to admire the new range of tee shirts at the merchandising shop. The big seller of the day she said would be her new range of “How Cr@p is my Husband” tee shirts. The crowds were indeed, buying these in handfuls!!

Aussie White arrived next as the band played “waltzing Matilda” and Zico following close behind shouted “Good Evening Hastings” to two very puzzled seagulls that just happened to be sitting on top of the toilet block.
Monkey man arrived next in a Pickfords van for some strange reason, and was followed by Wocko, who entered to the band playing Eminem. Wocko, cool as ever waved to his loyal groupies, who both sat down in the stand near him as he pondered the weekends events.

SA and Azza arrived next, in their Robin reliant, but were nearly ran over as Dodge arrived in his new Hummer complete with Dukes of Hazzard Horn.

LA and Scooter arrived together in smart tuxedos, chatting about their forthcoming duel, and Stan and Hilda pulled up in a Taxi. Hilda was still wearing her “FOOK OFF STAN” tee shirt with pride, and looking forward to her weekend immensely. Rolling pin polished, and without curlers for the first time, Stan was beaming with Pride.

Matt Collins arrived in a new pinstripe suit with a Trilby hat, and the customary cigar. “Don’t disrespect me” he told the waiting journalists.

As I was about to settle down in my seat, an army transporter arrived with Lora’s fridge and Greg quickly offered to help unload it. Devon came next with Nike tracksuit and a Burberry cap. His new line of “If it’s good enough for Gavin its good enough for me” Tee shirts were also beginning to sell.

To a fanfare of Trumpets, in walked Andy Baggott and Steve Bates, in smart black suits with Black Trilby hats and Steve Bates designer sunglasses. The band struck up a chorus of “Minnie the Moocher” as they settled down into their Seats.

Finally, Milsner. Defiant as ever, screaming “Come on!” to the crowd of now Seven thousand. Would he remain Bottom??

As the games progressed, it was clearly not going to be Monkeys weekend, but he cheered up very soon when he saw his goalkeeping Idol, and Manager of Hastings United, Neville Southall leaving the Bar area. Whilst Big Nev was giving Monkey tips on shot stopping, Lora was beginning to “Live the Dream” as her side once again swept all opposition aside! Andy Baggott was very smug indeed as his team notched up their third win in a row,

The St Johns Ambulance were very busy indeed on this sweltering hot weekend, as first Milsner over celebrated his first win with several pints of Grolsch, and Steve Bates celebrated another fine win by running onto the main pitch singing “Everybody needs somebody….” And tripping over the advertising hording at the touchline managed to discuss the offside rule with a small toddler who was trying to find his dummy.

The Merchandise was beginning to sell out fast as Sunday dawned in this beautiful part of the Globe. Wocko sat coolly as his team leapt up the table, nestling firmly in second place behind Mrs Koppy who was shaken, but not stirred by her first defeat. She was however comforted by the fact that her “Eat My Dust Koppy” hats were sold out.

LA and Scooter showed the crowd just what an all American match should be like, although LA snogged one of the Cheerleaders who, mistaking him for Wocko asked him on a date.

SA was cheered by yet another win and was pleased to note that his “Superman” pictures were beginning to sell and thousands of his bungalow friends were asking for autographs. Azza worked the crowd and the Bar well, and the Locals had much to talk about when Stan confiscated Hilda’s rolling pin and Hit Kiwi Pete with it. Kiwi led the crowd in a thunderous rendition of “FOOK OFF STANLEY” as Hugh told Sky that his miserable weekend was down to a lack of interest on his player’s parts. “They prefer the bigger arena’s” he added.

Lora, deliriously happy with another 6 points asked Rob Hulse to marry her, and we await his answer next week.

All in all, a fabulous weekend, and as the stewards cleared away the beer cans and pie wrappers(mine) I was left to reflect on a weekend that saw top and bottom place remain the same, but only just! I also reflected on the massive changes on all the places in-between.

What a weekend. I’ll leave you with the match of the weekend…..



Leeds Mullets 2 Loidis United 1.



As the crowd settled down in their seats, a mixture of the interested and damn right nosey flocked to the side of the pitch to see Whitemight and Milsner lead their teams out. Whitemight in a bomber jacket and Jeans, and Milsner in a “Thistle Hotels” tracksuit.



Straight from the kick off, Loidis were on the attack, Charlton pushing the ball up the wing to Bowyer who started to move infield from the corner but was floored by Frank Gray. Collina waved away the appeals from Whitemight and allowed play to continue. Ian Snodin took the ball past a despairing lunge from Woodgate, and passed forward to Baird on the edge of the Dee. Baird tried a swivel shot, but Sprake managed to palm it away to safety.

As the first half settled down, there were some great exchanges between Woodgate and Yorath. Bowyer was back at his best for Loidis, making long powerful runs into Mullets territory, but these were thwarted by Charlton, looking majestic as ever in defence.

As half time approached, Mullets finally found some inspiration.Yorath managed to run to the half way line, and giving Bowyer the slip, placed an inch-perfect pass to Sheridan. With Charlton closing in for the tackle, he managed to punt the ball through to Baird, who clean on goal managed to slot the ball past the oncoming Sprake and into the net.

You could hear the half time team talks from the bar as these two warriors inspired, and cajoled their teams to better heights. Milsner was on fire with passion, realising that this was his first ever lead at half time.

The second half started at blistering pace with Loidis pushing forward for an equaliser, leaving their defence very vulnerable. However, Mullets could not make a breakthrough and first Snodin and Sheridan were both denied by Woodgate and Charlton.

With two minutes remaining, Loidis struck. A great through ball from the heart of defence from Dacourt found Chapman one on one with Harvey. His first shot ricochet off the advancing Harvey, but he put the rebound into the bottom corner with a low driving shot.

Mullets were not going to be robbed of their first victory, and Milsner urged all forward for one last push. As Collina checked his watch, Frankie Gray found Sheridan unmarked on the left hand side. With Charlton, Woodgate and Bowyer advancing on him, he laid the ball square and it fell to Ian Baird on the half way line. Without looking up, Baird rifled a shot that left Sprake stranded, and he could only watch as the ball came off the inside of the post and into his empty net.

Collina blew the final Whistle. Milsner shook hands with Whitemight, and then ran screaming “Oh my God” to the Bar, where he remained for the next eight hours!
I hope you have enjoyed the weekend as much as I have here down in Hastings!

Next Week, we will be at Thorp Arch for the next rounds of the tournament. See you then!