Jokes

By James Hegarty
May 10 2002

Want to read some funny Football Jokes? Look no further than hear for some of the funniest Jokes written by anybody. Hate United? Hate Rangers? Hate Celtic? Well you'll like these Jokes. New Page 1

Standard Grade Exam for Dundee United Fans

1. What language is spoken by the French?

2. Give the important characteristics of the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to Architecture and Literature OR give the names of 5of your players.

3. What religion is the Pope?     (a) Jewish   (b) Catholic   (c) Hindu   (d) Scottish  CHOOSE ONLY 1.

4. What is a leather football made of?

5. How many players are there in a Football team?

6. Spell:   (a) Dundee   (b) Encyclopaedia   (c) Relegation   (d) Promotion  ( 'd' may be difficult, come back to at the end if you find it hard.)

7. (a) When Dundee beat Dundee United, who won?
    (b) Who came second?

8. Name another person with the name Charlie Millar.

9. Can you explain why Dundee are better then Dundee United? YES or NO

10. Write your name in block capitals.

11. Explain what is feels like to be high in the league, or spell division one.

A burglary was recently committed at Dundee United ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a Tangerine carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Dundee United are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

The Fire brigade phones Alex Smith in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Smith sir, Tannadice is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Alex.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Alex Smith offered to send the Dundee United on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

Steven Thomson was caught speeding on his way to the Tannadice today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Dundee United Chairman is considering replacing Steven Thomson with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

A man desperate at Dundee Uniteds current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full United kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the United kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring St Johnstone. British Rail think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

Rumour has it that St Johnstone have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Charlie Millar is celebrating;
"57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex asks him why he's celebrating . He answers
"Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Alex.
"You bet" says Charlie. "It says 3 to 5 years on he box."

Charlie Millar has gone crazy believing his wife has been having an affair on him. In his rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Alex Smith. Devastated, Millar takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, Charlie don't do it." His Wife cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers. "I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back." Millar replies. "You're next."

Charlie Millar: "Alex, why's this bacon cold?"
Alex Smith: "Because its ham Charlie!"

The Dundee Utd squad were busy training. Stephen Thomson, his mind not really occupied with football since he never plays, noticed that every day, Alex left an hour early from training, telling the coaches to begin the cool-down exercises. Thomson turns to Easton.
"Hey Craig, the gaffars always off early...what say we knock off early tomorrow when he's gone...I gotta new girl to knob...and you have your new motor...oi Charlie...you in too...?"
"Yeh..." says the midfielder, "I can get home early to see The Wife...I like seeing The Wife...heehee..."
"Right. Settled then...I wonder where he goes," ponders the shite striker. Next day the trio await the Boss's departure. Thomson shoots off to see his latest ho', Easton revs off in his latest auto, and Charlie whistles on his way home to the wife... He idles into the driveway, wishing to surprise his missus, and creeps in the door. Millar tiptoes into the living room...and there on the floor he sees his wife on all fours, and Alex kneeling behind, giving her a proper shafting! They dont notice him, preoccupied as they are, and Charlie sneaks off, sweating like a stuck pig and without saying a word...
Anyway, next day at training, Thomson is enthused about taking another early-mark...as is Easton. They ask Millar if he's in today, to which he shakes his head and whispers,
"No way fellas...I almost got caught yesterday...!"

Charlie Millar was going up the motorway when a lorry driver asked him to pull over. Whilst they were standing in the hard shoulder. the man said "Now stand in that ring I've just drawn with chalk over there, and I'll just smash your car up"
Charlie said "OK".
So the man smashed in the lights, and Charlie started to giggle. Next, the lorry driver smashed in the windscreen, and Charlie laughed and laughed. Finally, the man blew up Millars's brand new Escort. By the time he did this Charlie was in hysterics, so the man said
"Why are you laughing? I've just blown up your car"
Charlie said "Jokes on you, though; every time you turned your back I took my foot out of the circle"


Dundee United were playing Ninewells Primary School For The Infirmey, a charity match played in Dundee last week.
United played an in a unusually rough manner, considering the infirmey side fielded two defenders in wheelchairs, a striker that used a guide dog and the goalie using a zimmer frame.
Finally, the Ninewell's manager, with great anger and frustration, pulled his team off the pitch with thirty minutes left in the half.
It then took Dundee United twenty minutes to score a disputed goal and win the match 1 - 0.
 

Q: What is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Dundee United goal?
A: Pammy only has two tits infront of her!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dundee United
Dundee United who?
Exactly!
 

Alex Smith is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against St Johnstone. He just can't understand it, Dundee United are the bigger of the 2 clubs, and all the best players etc, but every time they play the Farmers, they get beaten.
So Alex gives Billy Stark a call and explains his problem. Billy is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up in Perth and spends a day watching the St Johnstone players. At the end of the training session he says to Billy
"I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time".
"Ah" says Mr Stark, "I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours".
Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Billy "What the hell do you mean by that?".
"Well" says Billy, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".
To demonstrate his point he calls over Tommy Loverkrands. "Tommy, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?".
"That's easy" says Tommy, Its me."
"Correct" says Billy.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Dundee and next day in training he calls over Charlie Millar. "Charlie, I've been talking to Billy Stark and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".
"That's bollocks, Boss", is Millar's considered reply.
"OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?"
Millar looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"
Alex agrees and Millar goes home thinking about the problem. He asks his wife, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. He eventually decides to give Craig Easton a call.
"Hello Craig, its Charlie. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?".
"That's easy", says Craig, "Its me".
So Charlie calls over Alex the next day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"
"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.
"Its Craig Easton" replies the confident Millar.
"You stupid bastard" shouts Alex, "Its NOT Craig Easton.............Its Tommy Loverkrands!"

Top tip for Dundee United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.

QUESTION: What do you get if you see a Dundee Utd. fan buried up to his neck in sand?
ANSWER: More sand

A Rangers scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Alex McCleish is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself.
The boy arrives in Glasgow for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Tore Andre Flo gets injured and is stretchered off. McCleish points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us". The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad.
After the game McCleish gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room."Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?" "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry" "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Glasgow!"

Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass Rangers fan?"

QUESTION: What's the difference between Celtic and a three pin plug?
ANSWER: Their both useless in Europe.

QUESTION:  Whats the difference Between Dundee United and Tele Taxis?
ANSWER: Tele Taxi's only let in four.

 

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