By Roberto
December 22 2002

Timbers Army Gathers to hand out scarfs and for some good Holiday Cheer! Gavin Wilkinson of the Timbers joins in. A good time was enjoyed by all! (Submitted by Kurt Schubothe) The Timbers Army amassed in unprecedented numbers last evening at everybody's favorite den of iniquity on 20th and Burnside eagerly awaiting the arrival of men bearing gifts. It took your slowwitted correspondent a little bit of time to realize what was different about the pub. He noticed that the lovely and talented Erica was no longer working there, chased to Hawaii by the repeated overtures of the lecherous Finnegan. But she has been gone for months. Your correspondent also noticed a sign promoting $3 Murphy's on Thursday and quickly realized that Thirsty Thursdays would quench his thirst even more this year. But overindulgence of barley and hops is nothing new. Finally, he observed that the pub walls had been knocked open making it feel like a single pub instead of two separate rooms. The new look was greeted with near universal approval even if it did mean having to listen to the Dolemites.

Santa Chris soon arrived carrying a sack full of scarves. He handed them out to all the good boys and girls who then proceeded to hoard them like gold. Simply put, these are the best scarves in the history of scarves. With such fine looking apparel and demand outstripping supply, it was only natural that outrageous offers were bantered about. Some offered Tri-Met passes in exchange for a scarf. Others tried beer bribery. In the end most walked away with neck warmly covered. For those left out in the cold, the pub will have scarves for sale in the immediate future. Kudos to Chris for making it all happen so quickly and painlessly.

A-League commissioner Allison held court and we lauded her for her work on the SoccerCityUsa site. The Timbers Ninja, aka Ralpharoo, was so excited about the new board that he revealed that he has spent the past three days designing a Flash cartoon involving ninjas, Darren Sawatzky and special effects that will put Lord of the Rings to shame.

Calendars were marked for upcoming road trips. The US national team takes on Japan at Seahawks Stadium on March 29. Based on last night's numbers, the Timbers Army will surely defeat Sam's Army and occupy sh*ttle once and for all. The occupation will last until mid-July when Celtic and Manchester United meet at the House that Paul Allen Let the Taxpayers Build. Finally, better efforts will be made to organize buses to Timbers away matches. Finnegan has volunteered to use his new position to secure us a Tri-Met bus that will drive us to places like Hampton Roads and Syracuse.

Greg celebrated his 38th birthday by getting carded by the bartender. Special thanks to Jen for providing us with cake. Earlier in the day in a sign of his growing maturity, Greg invited the teenagers he beat up two years ago at a Timbers match to his house for a birthday party. The aforementioned assaulted teens have finally gotten old enough to watch movies that contain violence and adult language. Greg showed them a tape of last year's 6-nil butt kicking of El Paso.

Kurt denied rumors that he has bought the Portland Timbers. When asked whether he was running for mayor of Halifax Town he replied, "No comment."

The time and place for next month's meeting was not determined so keep your eyes out for future details.

At this time your correspondent would like to wish everyone the best of luck and health in the upcoming year. I just looked at the Chinese calendar and it says that 2003 will forever be known as The Year of the Timbers.

--Roberto
Unelected Writer-in-Arms
Timbers Army