By RT
May 10 2006

Another amusing, extremely tongue-in-cheek article written by RT after the recent Bath game at the Rec. Enjoy the final installment for this season and who knows, the conspiracy may be true........the truth is out there!

Star Wars at Sixways

 

In the aftermath of the recent match against Bath, rumours of referee bias and corruption have been swilling around Worcester.  In view of these calumnies, I am pleased to reveal that both the Warriors and the hapless match officials have been the unknowing victims of the latest “Star Wars” technology:  shirt tampering!  The shocking truth is that, in the cut throat world of rugby kit suppliers, sabotage is rearing its ugly head.

 

Suspicions that something was amiss were first aroused earlier this season when the Warriors were on the receiving end of some dubious refereeing decisions.  Various explanations were offered to account for the anomalies, ranging from the need for  Specsaver sponsorship in line with the Celtic League, to a conspiracy theory involving Rob Andrew, Andy Robinson and the Wayne Barnes’ fan club.  But the reality is stranger still…

 

John Brain’s agents, working undercover as tailors’ dummies, have recently discovered that unscrupulous saboteurs have contaminated the standard shirt dyes used by the Warriors’ “cutting edge” manufacturers by adding a “Star Wars” style product.  This secret ingredient is similar to that used in the paint applied to America’s newest “stealth” spy plane and works by deceiving the eye of the beholder.

 

Our informants have discovered that this amazing substance, when added to gold or sky-blue dyes, will affect the responses of any match official. 

 

The impact of the chemical varies according to the dye to which it is added and the brain waves of the official involved.  For example, gold causes a distortion in the perception of the onlooker.  This distortion is particularly marked in those who are accustomed to regular doses of LSD supplied by the RFU.  These officials have been known to suffer from a serious visual defect, so that perfectly timed flat passes are mistaken for forward throws.

 

A potentially more serious effect has been observed in less-hardened users.  In these cases, the secret ingredient in the gold dye has produced an excess of whistle-blowing, the frequent raising of the arm for the opposing team and an irresistible urge to produce red and yellow cards.  In extreme cases, penalties have been awarded against players because their socks were ungartered and their shirts not starched.

 

It is not only old gold dye which is the target of unscrupulous saboteurs.  They have also achieved success with sky blue.  In this case, the effect of the spyware is rather different.  It produces a similar result to that seen in James Bond’s invisible car.  Put another way, it renders the sky blue player completely invisible.  It is believed that this effect accounts for the bizarre behaviour of the officials at away matches at Welford Road and the Rec.. On both occasions, the referee and the TJs seemed unaware of the try-scoring positions of the Worcester players and, like blind men, were guided by the cries of the partisan home crowds and the insidious comments of the home captains.

 

By now you must be wondering about the sinister motivation behind this sabotage.  What have the Warriors done to deserve such treatment?  The answer is simple.  They have dared to choose an unfashionable rugby kit supplier, rather than following the Premiership crowd.  This has made them victims in a commercial power struggle.

 

Sources suggest that the main protagonist in this shirt war, is the well known company Rotten Raiders.  Angry that it cannot gain a monopoly on “top people’s” kit, it has resorted to undermining the success of a rival that is too sharp for its own good.

 

It is believed that Rotten Raiders aims to associate its rival with failure, using any means at its disposal.  “Who wears, goes in the bin”, has been seen scrawled in the dust on delivery vans arriving at Sixways and “Ask yourself who supplied kit to Leeds”, was painted in large letters on the door of the shop.

 

Worcester supporters, however, should not be alarmed.  Now that the problem has been identified, the situation will be rectified forthwith.  Gurkhas, like Mounties, always get their man. 

 

But be warned.  Save up your pennies. It now seems quite possible that the Warriors will be playing in new shirts next season!

 

RT