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The Rhyme of Dewi, the Ancient Mariner

(with apologies to S T Coleridge)

As the cold tightened its grip and the darkness deepened, a grotesque silhouette was seen skulking in the shelter of Ice Station Sixways.  The figure moved into the glare of the floodlights, revealing itself as Dewi Morris, also known as the Ancient Mariner on account of being “all at sea” when discussing the mysteries of the Front Five.

                        It is an ancient Mariner

                        And he stops a Bristol fan.

                        “By thy Sky mike and woolly hat,

                        Now why stop me, my man?

                        The Clubhouse doors are opened wide,

                        The beer is poured within,

                        The teams are here, the crowd is there,

                        We hear the cheers begin.”

                        He holds him with his glittering eye –

                        The Bristol fan stood still,

                        And listens like a guilty man –

                        Old Dewi hath his will……………………

Morris was at Ice Station Sixways to cover the race for the Pole between Worcester Warriors and Bristol (formerly known as Shoguns).  John “Amundsen” Brain had put his faith in his team of loyal huskies, led by Shackleton Windo.  Their Inuit diet of fish oil and whale-meat ensured that blubber had been replaced by muscle on their finely-tuned frames.  In preparation for this encounter, Phil the Power had had them dragging sleds around the training pitch and, in the darkness of the front line, the art of sledging had been honed to a cutting edge.

As the two teams approached the starting point, the mercury froze in the thermometer. Polar Bears in horned helmets and penguins in gold’n’blue gathered on the ice floes to the North and East, while several Woolly Mammoths, previously believed to be extinct, were spotted in the West Stand.

Thirty gallant explorers  emerged from the warmth of their igloos and those watching them caught a glimpse of a legendary figure who was there to ensure fair play. David the Rose-red Reindeer, also known as the Ghost of Christmas Past, was only visible to those who believe in Santa Claus and not always to the explorers themselves. Would his presence to-night be powerful enough to ward off evil spirits?

At last, the long-awaited moment arrived and, at a pre-arranged signal, the contest began.  In his eyrie in the rigging, the Ancient Mariner kept the world informed of the progress of the two teams and tried to avoid frostbite and hypothermia by generating his own hot air.

Initially, progress was neck and neck.  Eventually, one of the Bristol team, thinking he would bring his fellows good luck, took it upon himself to use his cross-bow to kill the ball….

                        Then well a-day!  What evil looks

                        Had he from old and young.

                        For stopping a score, a yellow card

                        About his neck was hung..........

In response, the ice dancers, Torville Le Roux and Thinus Dean warmed up the action with a lively Bolero, finishing in an exciting slide across the ice over the whitewash.

It was soon time for a rest break for the competitors who returned to the shelter of their igloos, while the onlookers sought shelter in the caverns of Ice Station Sixways.  For the next 20 minutes it was….

                        Guinness, Tetley’s everywhere,

                        But not for the teams, I think.

                        Guinness, Tetley’s everywhere

                        Nor any drop they’ll drink!....

The second phase of the action was even colder.  Minus 8˚ it was said…

                        The frost was here, the frost was there,

                        The frost was all around.

                        The crowd it clapped and sang and cheered.

                        Noise echoed round the ground…..

Brain’s men pressed on, with their huskies taking the strain.  They were being pushed all the way by their opponents.  Brian “The Fridge” Lima was always a danger and, on two occasions, it looked as if the tactics of the chasing team might enable it to overtake the doughty Warriors.  Once, when “Rosie’s” back was turned, the opposition gained access to the whitewash illegally and, later, husky-driver Andy’s head was run over by a studded snow-mobile.

However, it was a Raven known as “Ice”, not an albatross, which sealed the Warriors’ success…..

                        The moon had risen on the left,

                        Down the right wing came he.

                        Tevita’s pass went to his hands

                        “Ice” scored for victory!

At 24 – 15, the race was over.  The supporters rushed to find warmth and shelter in their caverns and the teams stripped off to bathe in tubs of ice. The enthusiasm of his fans, however, had ensured that throughout the whole match, the Windo had remained clear of frost so that he was able to see exactly where he and his huskies were headed. Bristol, on the other hand, had not been Going quite right.

And what, you must be asking, happened to Dewi Morris and the Bristol fan that he accosted before the match? 

                        The Mariner, whose eye is bright,

                        Whose hat with frost is hoar

                        Is gone: and now the Bristol fan

                        Turned from the Clubhouse door.

                        He went like one that hath been stunned

                        And is of sense forlorn.

                        A sadder and a wiser man

                        He rose the morrow morn.

RT