By cmonbath
November 14 2010

Wasps 18 Bath 16As no one volunteered to wite a report cmonbath was left to his own devices and went Gonzo.  Here it is with thanks and apologies to Hunter S Thompson.

Wasps 18 Bath 16 A savage journey through Sunday tea.

We were somewhere around Milsom Street when the pasties began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I could really go some cake”. My Geordie accountant was beginning to lose it. “Ya mad marrer” he said, “It’s varneye kick off and wa still in Bath, man.” He was sweating profusely now and his eyes were wild. “Wa neewhere near London or Wycombe or whateva. Yor suppost t’ be writing a match report ye kna. Bath v Waasps in that LV cup thing.”

“I know, panic not friend. It’s in hand. Let’s go home. I’ve got some startling toast.”

“So, it’s on the telly, eh?”

“Nope. We have no correspondent on the scene and it’s not on the TV. But we’ll get the job done. It’s okay to go with the pack, but sometimes you have to run with the snow leopard.”

“I divn’t knaa ...”.

“Look it’s the LV. It’s crazy and savage. You do well, and you could still be knocked out ‘cos Tranmere Rovers and/or Anne Widecombe have a better over rate. Yes, it was good to start out with a win on a night when the weather could have made a total lottery of it – great for confidence -  but this competition is completely bonkers. So relax, we’re going to listen to the radio. It’s just going to be the facts. Pure journalism.”

Back in the sitting room I prepared the much promised toast. The secret? Dense Scottish plain bread smuggled over the border the week before along with strong tannin heavy tea.

“So, what do we know? It’s raining in Wycombe and Bananaman is out of the side on England duty. Wasps have named a strong side – predictable after we rained on their parade at Twickenham. A big game needed from Sam and the back row. “ My Geordie Accountant was more relaxed now having discovered the blackberry and cranberry jam. We sat, and waited and listened.

After 40 minutes it’s 9-6 to Wasps. “So, my northern friend. I suggest we move from toast to crumpets while we consider what we learned from that. With the limited information we have, it would seem that the men of Bath have dominated in the loose. Points have come from Sam’s boot on 15 and 30 minutes. Vas Gisbergen has replied in kind and given Wasps the edge just before the break. Two good opportunities for MacMillan and Biggs and a very solid performance from Jack Cuthbert, assured under the high ball, and contributing a try saving tackle on one of the few occasions the Wasps forced their way into the Bath 22. Sam working well with his centres. Bath seemingly finding few problems moving the ball quickly. For Wasps, ex-Sarries man Haughton causing some problems when the ball goes wide, but Bath defending well.  Looking good. More jam.” My Geordie accountant nods, butter running down his chin.

Another 40 minutes. Cuthbert’s last minute kick from just inside the Wasps half has gone wide and Wasps have taken the game 18-16. The room is storm of crumbs.  The second half has seen Wasps exert more pressure on Bath, but only threaten the line once with Ward-Smith barrelling through only for Kefu to knock on. Bath indiscipline/inexperience cost them and allowed Van Gisbergen to kick them out of the game.

“But”, my Geordie Accountant announces, spitting tea, “a patient,  well-worked try for Ben Skirving from a Bath lineout thrown long. That was canny. Good play from Cook an’all. Whey man, aa’m more pleased than vexed. ”

Indeed. Tomorrow – or later today – you can read of the nuances from those blessed with a visual interpretation of the game. But our work is done and the mojo wire is fed. I take another hit from my tea.