By Our rugby correspondent
July 21 2005

Despite the best efforts of the club, the only trophy garnered last season was the Arse. Won, in glorious fashion, by the Arabian Knights on a hot day at the Fat Bloke 7s, this weekend sees the return of our crack squad to defend their arse at Abbey RFC, Reading. Last year’s victory was a triumph for team captain Big H, with the team managing to lose all 3 pool games. To be honest, the word “triumph” doesn’t do this achievement justice; it was tactical genius – all the captain was doing was assessing his squad to enable him to pick his favoured 7 performers for the later knock-out rounds. The team ended up in the final against Jason’s Leopards, the Harlequins’ 7.

Memory dulls the final score, but rest assured that the Arabian Knights were never in danger of losing following a storming first half. Although the Leopards gave it everything in trying to breach our line, the defence stood firm and the Arse was won. At this point, a honourable mention for The Tring Massive and their contribution - 10 tries in total, impact players to a man. So, what of this year’s competition? A look at the opposition in the group and some of the key players for the Arabian Knights:

Pool B – “The Pool of Doom”

1030 Arabian Knights vs Bruno Nero’s
1130 Arabian Knights vs Bath Tubs
1300 Arabian Knights vs Bristol Pasty Eaters
1400 Arabian Knights vs Cantab Wasps / team tbc

Bruno Nero’s – representing Bedford RFC, Bruno Nero’s come here as the National League One underdogs. Used to playing on the side of a hill at Goldington Road, it is possible that the flat pitches of Abbey RFC may present them with a slight problem.

Bath Tubs – from Bath Rugby. Fresh from their loss to Bristol Supporters in an end of season charity XV-a-side match, the Bath Tubs are fit, have been training and, worst of all, have players who appear regularly on the west country club scene.

Bristol Pasty Eaters – “Team of the Tournament” last year, famous for performing both the West Country Haka and a great version of “I Am A Cider Drinker”. In their first season back in the dizzy air of Premiership FB7s, they will want to make a good impression – particularly when they play the Bath Tubs.

Cantab Wasps / team tbc – there appears to be confusion as to whether or not Cantab Wasps will be there (depending on which message board you read). If they are, then our old friends will no doubt give us a warm welcome on to the pitch. If not, then a team of “mercenaries”, made up of players from other FB7 teams will provide the opposition.

Key Players for the Arabian Knights

Big H – captain and prop. Fine tactical brain (see last year’s plan), an experienced exponent of the dark arts of the front row and the rolling maul. Expect to see him rumbling down the wing to touch down in the corner.

Large – senior professional. Came out of retirement (11am “Of course I’m not playing”, 3.30pm sprints (sic) on to the field for the semi final in Keegan-esque-1977-style shorts) last year for the FB7s, originally playing on the wing but retiring to the forward pack for the Arse Final.

Mudman – Prediction League champion, our very own version of Mystic Meg was a welcome addition to the FB7s team last year in his role as “Chief Supplier of Products from the Rebellion Brewery”. Odds-on a repeat performance this year.

GaryB – Gary has been practicing all winter for this tournament. The only member of the squad to move from the backs to the forwards over the close season, the ceiling in that bar in Parma bears testament to the hard work he has put in. The smallest forward in the whole competition.

Carlos – what can one say? A star performer last year. With a) the video camera and b) the ladies on the massage table. Hopes that the prices of said massage table haven’t increased this year and that it isn’t a windy day so that he can hold the camera still. Also a useful addition to the backs.

Waldo – fresh from picking up tips in New Zealand, he is the spin doctor of the team. No matter how the Knights perform, Waldo will proclaim the day to be a success. He will also make frequent shuttle runs to the clubhouse to investigate the products on offer from the bar.

Number Three – Scary looking prop. Or he is as a back when he runs at you. May appear as a crash-ball centre later in the tournament. Solid player.

Andy Y – Even more scary looking prop. Really, deep down, wants to be a back, possibly a creative 10. Works together with Number Three to perfect the rolling maul in the bar and has been known to minimise queues in the Casbah using exactly this technique.

E123 / Loops – our two medical experts, aren’t we lucky to have two nurses with us in case of emergency? Highly experienced in their profession, they are advocates of healthy living and a balanced food/drink intake. Expect them to be offering constant advice to the players.

And so the Arabian Knights charge off to defend their Arse. A close tournament is expected, we look forward to hearing the results of their endeavours. Don’t forget – Abbey RFC, Reading, this Saturday, first game 1030, ALL SUPPORTERS WELCOME!