By Llewellyn Lloyd
July 10 2013

This one has it all! Passion! Pride! Rugby! The Shire! and Controversy! "Uputdownable" - the Vetinary Times  "Ummissable" - Wally Barn-Door.  You will be on the edge of your seat - filmed in COYS-O-Vision. reproduced here by kind permission of the WRU (licenced to COYS by Alec Andoo)

How Grim was my Valley - Episode 1 

In which our hero sees the light and prepares to apply for a missionary position

Wild eyed with hair flying in the horizontal sleet that characterised the micro climate of the West Wales village of Maes y Cac –the Reverend Idris Jones strode towards the Chapel.

His mind was set and his resolution fixed. He was going to do it. It was time and the call from above had hardened his heart, stiffened his sinews and given new  impetus to his pen.  He was a man on a mission.

Inside the grey stone edifice that was the Chapel of the Great Redeemer   the committee of chapel elders sat waiting for the arrival of their minister. There were four of them not counting Mrs Gladys Davies who was only there in case anyone wanted tea or in an emergency, first aid.

Delme Williams, a  cadaverous individual who had famously opposed the erection of statue of Gareth Edwards in the centre of the village as being the next thing to Popish idolatry was thumbing through his bible. While   Ianto Thomas and   Alwyn Jones stared moodily about the room the fourth committee man   Rhodri Evans stood in the doorway looking anxiously out for the anticipated arrival of the reverend.

They had been summoned to attend an emergency meeting of the Chapel elders to discuss a great revelation that their minister claimed would change their lives for ever and enable them to take to the heathens, the slavish acolytes of Rome and the English  - the truth.

Idris Jones burst into the Chapel committee room almost pushing over the hapless Evans as he rushed to the table and slammed his large black bible down upon it.

“ Brothers“ he said in a rich but somewhat theatrically forced baritone. “ The Time has come. Last night as I studied the scriptures and the WRU handbook I had a vision and heard a voice.  I saw an angelic host dressed in red and they were singing all of the hymns: Cwm Rhondda , Calon Lan and Iesse Mawr and as I looked upon them and heard their voices raised in praise  another voice spoke to me. It told me to go forth to go beyond the great river and the dyke and to settle in the land of the Saxons and to bring unto them the truth.”

He paused and looked at the startled faces around the committee table.   Silence reigned so Idris carried on.

“ Tomorrow I will set forth, I have hired a minibus from Cambrian auto homes –I have arranged for supplies for the journey; I am prepared   - are you prepared to join me in this crusade?”

This time the silence was even longer. Delme Williams stared at his fingernails as if something bad might lurk underneath them.  Ianto Thomas and   Alwyn Jones looked at each other and then they too stared at their hands, the table, anything but meet the ferocious Reverend’s gaze. Rhodri Evans sat tight lipped and thought although it would mean getting away from the overbearing and aggressively hygienic Mrs Williams it would also mean leaving behind   Ellie Jenkins the assistant postmistress with whom he had recently established a very secret but practical relationship.

The silence stretched.

“ Would anyone like a cup of tea  - or even a bandage? ” asked Mrs Gladys Davies whom everyone had forgotten about.

“ What are you still here for woman? “ - growled Idris  - “Go – Now !! “ 

Mrs Davies shuffled out muttering to herself about how they would all regret this when The Lord in his wisdom  visited them with splinters and  things caught in zips.

Idris glared at the four men   who remained speechless  “Well is anyone of you prepared to take on this holy work?” he thundered.

Nothing  - the elders stayed silent although they shuffled a bit.

“ So that’s how it is  -only I, Idris Jones am ready to take the truth to the Saxons – to tell them about the mysteries of the left handed pass; the side step made in heaven, the satanic curse of the crooked feed ”

“ But, But  “ began Rhodri  - “ where exactly would we –I mean you be going ?  I mean we need to know where you will be in case of an emergency back here  - like someone opening a video store or   an outbreak of very short skirts “    

Idris looked worried for a moment as he hadn’t thought of that and apparently neither had his visionary messengers.  Rapidly collecting his thoughts he said

“  The Lord will tell me “ and he tapped his large black bible significantly.

“But “ said Delme Williams “ While we all know that the good book provides us with guidance in many things I don’t see how it can help you here “

Idris gave him a look that would have sterilised milk  “ What do you mean?”

“ Well” replied Delme “ If you are looking to the scriptures to tell you where to go there’s a problem – because to the best of my knowledge the English and England are not mentioned in them.

“ Of course they are not mentioned “ retorted Idris  “ Although   many scholars have suggested that the fate of   Sodom and Gomorrah are actually   very carefully disguised prophesies of the fate that awaits London and Birmingham.  “

“ But that is not relevant - we will turn to the book of Exodus and randomly pick out a page .  You in turn will say a number which will be the line on the page to which I must go – then another will say another number and the first letter of than word will in the name of the town or city to which i will travel to begin my mission.”

After about half an hour of confused number calling which passers-by might have thought was the sound of an illicit bingo session, Idris had  some letters written down on piece of paper  - they were  ROATHMTNNPO  -   He looked up  puzzled  and read them out to the four men who by now were getting bored and thinking about more interesting things like    cleaning out the gutters  or in the case of  Rhodri  his practical relationship with Ellie Jenkins.

“ AH – said Delme –  “ I see it now.”     I do crosswords see   - it’s an anagram, If you rearrange the letters it spells out NORTHAMPTON.

“ Where is that “ asked Ianto   - do they play rugby there? “