By SimQuin
December 6 2006

In many walks of life, consultants are used to look at and overcome difficulties in the workplace. A top team of consultants have been spending a lot looking at what the issues are in English Rugby and what the solutions are. In an exclusive transcript, CAW shows what a million pounds will buy you..

England has been on the descent since the world cup win

This is down to the manager and coach

But the manager was a world-cup winning forwards coach

Fire coaches

Already done that

Fire manager

Done

Get another manager in

What’s his job precisely?

Urm, next?

The premiership has become stale due to the threat of relegation

Remove relegation

But that will finish interest mid-way through the season

Reinstate relegation

England is stale due to too many games played

Remove games

How?

Take out the Anglo-Welsh cup

But that is a high-money generator for the clubs

Reinstate Anglo-Welsh cup

Players are still playing too many games

Limit time spent playing matches

Won’t that lead to more players being brought in from outside the country?

Limit number of foreign players

But that only counts for non-EU and non-South African/Pacific islanders

Pay more money per English player then

But that would mean that clubs would risk relegation due to having inexperienced players

Remove relegation

But what about clubs wanting to come up to the premiership?

Keep promotion, remove relegation

But that will mean more games played?

Split into two conferences

But that will mean less revenues and removal of old rivalries?

Introduce another cup

But that will mean more useless games as in what happens with the Anglo-Welsh

OK, don’t have another cup, don’t have two conferences, then what?

Urm, franchise the clubs?

And how much money will that cost? What if there is a break-away league?

Urm, centralised contracts?

So clubs are denied the very players they have helped coach and also the very talent that brings in the punters so they have to rely on second-stream players and academy boys to win games and avoid relegation

But that has lead to stagnation because of defence-minded rugby due to the cost of relegation

So scrap rele….oh $*”&(£”$&£. Coming to the pub?