By Griff
July 24 2007

Now in its fourth year The CHP Consulting Fatbloke Sevens has, almost always, been held in fabulous weather. The rain on Friday threatened the record of this fantastic festival of Rugby, Laughter and Fun.. Worse, it threatened to take the fun out of the event. It failed though... Leaving Lower Earley for Abbey felt a little like witnessing the end of the world. The rain had been falling heavily for hours and the mile to the local supermarket to buy the last few bits and stock-up on drinking tokens felt more like driving down a river than a main road in a modern housing-estate.

A phone-call from the supermarket assuaged our fears that the highlight of the season was still ON and we could head on up to Emmer Green. It was fairly easy for me, I live locally. That many others from much further away, with fewer connections, made the effort is to their credit.

Of course, they may have been bitten by the Fatbloke Bug in previous years. The world's first Rugby Sevens Tournament for the Larger Athlete has quite a reputation to stand-up to. FB7s didn't let us down.

Arriving at Abbey RFC showed that the Emmer Green facilities do have excellent drainage. By now the rain had slowed and we'd even seen a little blue sky but the torrents witnessed earlier weren't in evidence. There were even a few people putting tents up!

Brian and the gang at Abbey were operating a new system for camping, with pre-registration booking you a pitch. No-one knew how well it would work. There were a few worries beforehand, Brian's email seemed a little flaky but on-the-weekend it seemed to work fine. The pitches could be a little larger, most people have a bigger tent than the one-man-ridge sized pitches provided but most people muddled through and I didn't hear any serious complaints. Well done the organisers for making a successful change.

The upside, for me, was that on arrival our space was already sorted and, therefore, instead of having to put up the tent to stake my claim I was able to wait for the drizzle to die-out in the club-house with a couple of pints, a few friends and Eek's fart-box (there's a song in there somewhere).

Friday night was Black Tie (optional) and quite a few people took the opportunity to dress-up. Quite a few were in black tie, including a number of either very ugly women or men-in-drag. A few others were dressed as Mexicans, Little Britain characters and there was at least one Elvis. The incredible pull of the Fatblokes was demonstrated by the inclusion of one group of ladies in pink cowboy hats. They'd come down to celebrate a "significant" birthday, from Hartlepool, and they had no connection, as far as I could tell, to rugby or Fatblokes at all. They seemed to be having a nice time though.

Abbey put on a meal for the event, I believe the lasagne was very nice. Sadly, dressing for dinner took too long and by the time we were ready it had all gone but, hey, that's what Domino's is for. Eek and the Muleskinners did their thing and entertained the masses. The masses, in-turn, did their best to drink their weight in booze, from my head the next day and the looks of other campers a few of us made a good fist of it, too.

With hangovers assuaged and once all us old gits had strapped all the bits that have fallen apart back together, the games commenced.

Skipper Tom (of Ulster fame) unveiled his big plan - the Fairies were after the "arse" trophy. Phase one seemed simple enough, while we weren't to throw any games we wouldn't push for the win if it was close. Luckily, once the first game was out of the way this plan was a doddle to follow - we had some good players but rugby is a team game and as a team we simply weren't very good.

The first game was trickier - Leinster Ladyboys were and no-show and so we had a bye. Undeterred, Cap'n Tom hatched a plan. A trip to Mulledwinemarie's shirt stall netted a Leinster shirt, Robbi was press-ganged into service and took the Fairies starting 7 on single-handed. Suffice to say Leinster's pride remains intact and Robbi can be proud to be the only member of the Fairies squad to win a match. You see, you can lose a bye!

The Trumping Tinkerbelles fared better. Their first match showed that (despite any discernible practice - as far as I remember every week there was a "practice cancelled message on the board) they had improved from their debut last year. Taking on a debutante Worcester Wobblerettes side the Tinks showed some fine form and came-out clear winners.

Their second match saw them take-on another debut side The Leeds Lardy Ladies. Sadly (and unluckily according to many in the crowd) the Tinkerbelles narrowly lost. This meant that, in order to progress to the final the Trumpers would have to win their final match - against the as yet unbeaten Marlow Mingers.

Marlow are a real rugby team, they train twice a week and compete in a league (albeit the lowest league in the country) at the 15 woman game. They had breezed past Leeds and the Wobblerettes without really having to try. Surely the Tinks stood no chance?

In the most entertaining game of Women’s 7s I've seen the Irish Ladies showed their true mettle. Taking Marlow on up-front they put on a real show and held the Mingers to 2 tries. Unfortunately some truly speedy Marlow defence prevented the Tinks from scoring more than one and the Tinkerbelles had to bow out, leaving Marlow and Leeds in the final.

Unsurprisingly the Mingers took the prize but Leeds showed how much they'd learned in just one day of contact rugby - I suspect they'll be back. It was a fantastic competition played very much in the spirit of the Fatblokes.

The semi-final of the arse meant phase 2 of Ulster Tom's plan had to come into fruition. This was the phase that, when unveiled earlier, we had a bit of trouble with. Now we had to play... properly. I'll let you into a secret, when we very nearly failed to score against the Drones - despite drafting in the Ref, three other teams the entire Fairies squad and various spectators - we were, really, trying quite hard.

Our opponents should have been Quins but they had (ahem) been "decimated by injuries" and gone home. That left us with the Arabian Knights - Sarries to you - and they were better than us. Even though we managed to ring a couple of Camel Jockeys (legendary Scottish Sevens/Drinking team) in. Beefy kindly declined our offer to join us - I'd really have liked to see Neal in a pink shirt, especially at scrum-half or on the wing. Sarries brushed us aside burning Big Tom's dreams as they did. We took solace in the fact they went on to win the coveted peach.

As predicted when Eek announced their inclusion the Army Vets team (who must've been animal doctors as they clearly weren't "veteran") won the trophy. A lovely charity team whose name completely escapes me (did I mention we got knocked-out in the semi ? Early drinking) won the Plate.

Team over the tournament was retained by the Trumping Tinkerbelles. This is awarded by the refs and, not for the first time, I disagreed with the decision. Either one of the other supporters' ladies teams would have been a good call, with my preference being the Wobblerettes. I'm not saying the Tinks didn't deserve it - they were brilliant as ever, but it would have been nice to reward the efforts of the other ladies too. To move away from the Ladies competition I thought Scum V, the welsh team in the Fairies group or even the Camel Jockeys (Glasgow to Reading for a competition you're not entered into?) should get a mention in dispatches.

More drinking ensued - memories formed on the hard pitches were discarded. Songs were sung. There was, for the first time, a professional band JD and the Longfellows who were pretty good (I'm sorry I was WAY past musical critique by that time and it was really hot in the club-house so I spent most of my time outside). People, well, blokes specifically, got naked (rugby, it seems, never changes) and I think everyone had a good time.

The 2nd Jack Wakefield memorial match was played, in aid of PROPS on the Sunday morning. The Fairy barbarians were decimated by injuries (no, really, injuries not hangovers) and the Brizzlers PROPS team were caught in traffic so it started late.

A full report of the match is, as far I know, being prepared as I type so I'll leave it up to someone else to tell that story. It was excellent to catch-up with Gordon, though and "our" Ashley was, as ever, a top whistle-blower - thanks Mr Rowden.

So that's my recollections of the weekend. I'm sure I've missed a load of stuff but I hope it gives people a flavour of the Fatblokes. If you've never been you have missed out, correct that oversight next year when we'll do it all again. Especially if you support another side and can turn-up with a load of unfit mates to play other unfit people at sevens (men or women). While the tournament does let better teams in to make up the numbers it really is supposed to be about people who really shouldn't playing rugby.