By Samuel Pepys
June 21 2006

Here is a transcript from conversations recorded at the JJB stadium in January. Recordings only now come to light......

LATICS SO CLOSE, BUT FAIL TO SIGN RONALDINHO.... True behind the  scenes drama  by Samuel Pepys.  The story they tried to hide!

 

Ronaldinho arrived in late January at Wigan's JJB stadium after secret discussions with Paul Jewell.  Latics Chairman Dave Whelan is unaware of Jewell's secret guest, and the Worlds Greatest player has been given a tour of the Latics facilities while the team are training.

 

JEWELL:  Well what do you think now that you've seen what we have to offer?

 

RONALDINHO:  I like it.  In Brazil where I grew up, we were very poor. So poor, that if we had no ball we would use a dead chicken or a cock....Paul cups his own balls and grimaces.

 

JEWELL:  No need for that lad, plenty balls round here.

 

RONALDINHO:  What I am trying to say is that; Yes I think I would like to be part of a growing team again. And if your Chairman can give me certain assurances, I will play for Wigan.. Paul can't believe his luck and hugs Ronaldinho.

 

JEWELL:  Fantastic son!  Let's find the Chairman straight away and break the good news

 

Meanwhile the players have just arrived back in the dressing room after a hard training session.  They are all sat around, when Dave Whelan comes in wearing a mohair jacket that reaches to the floor.  Jimmy Bullard nudges Reto Zeigler

 

BULLARD:  It's Uncle Fester

 

ZEIGLER:  HUH?   (The others hear the remark and burst out laughing.)

 

WHELAN:  I bloody well heard that Bullard!  (Dave reaches into his pocket and throws a pigs ear at Jimmy, but Jimmy grabs Reto and uses him as a human shield. the pigs ear hits Reto in the face and he starts to blub  as the pigs blood drips down his chin.)

 

ZEIGLER:  Uuuuuuuh. Zis eez so horreeble as I am always being zee vegetereyen. Never hem I heving so much as the sozzage een my mouse.

 

WHELAN: Shut thi Swiss Gob!  And Bullard!!!  fer thi insolence tha gooin t' be t' first. Drop thi pants.........Ah said drop thi pants.  In fact all er yer drop yer pants now or your all playin fer't warriors next season.....  (All the players drop their pants.)   

 

WHELAN:  I didn't get weer  I am terday by not plannin fer t' future. In sixteen yers time Ahm gooin t' have worlds greatest team. (At this he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a giant pack of Durex and hands them to De Zeeuw)....    Each o these Johnnies has getten yo names on em.  Ger em on un start wankin.  (The players are stunned as Arjan passes round the Durex.)

 

WHELAN:  Ah'v hired t' top scientist in't world for't extract dee- enn- eh from yer spunk. He's gooin't create a team o clones, wi 'th best bits o yer. Fer instance, they'll have De Zeeuw’s brains, Sharner’s legs,  Chimbonda's Yed. Roberts's strength...Un Bullard’s stupid fuckin grin.  Noow! that were a joke!  un any other bits they con use,  So get wankin' or I ll cut yer wages in half.

 

BULLARD:  Can we have some of the office birds to toss us off?

 

WHELAN:  Tha dirtty little twat Bullard!.  Wot dost thinks ah'm running ere a fuckin hoor house?  Wife 'd go up the fuckin wall!  Nay lads yere'll haf for't make do wi t' surprise under me coat. 

 

(Like Dickens' Ghost of Christmas, Dave opens his coat, to reveal a Gollum like figure between his legs. As the players gasp in disbelief, the wretched creature seems to grow and straighten to reveal Maurice Lindsay dressed in  fishnets, suspenders and bask with peek a boo bra)

  

WHELAN: Not bad for his age lads eh? Just look at Maurice an' imagine yer gooin fer't fuck girl o' yer dreams.

 

The players start to wank as Lindsay struts around adopting sexy poses. After five minutes the players have started to droop.

 

BULLARD: It's no use boss. He's such an ugly twat!  We need a real woman, we're never going to cum at this rate.

 

WHELAN:  Aw reet lads, It's allus better wi a strange hand, grab each others cocks and get wankin. Maurice! tha'd better do a striptease. (Lindsay does as he's told and starts stripping while Dave Whelan whistles the Strippers Tune.)

 

Outside Paul Jewell and Ronaldinho approach the dressing room door.

 

JEWELL:  .....................   and also we have some great ways to build team spirit in the dressing room.... I think the Chairman’s with the lads, he loves to get involved. (Paul opens the door to reveal the scene) 

 

RONALDINHO:  Get me a taxi please.

 

THE END

 

 

 

All characters are fictitious, any similarities between persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.