By Ian Barker
September 9 2005

Schwarzer v Lehmann - Jens' father runs a sausage stall in Essen in Germany. Funnily enough Jens plays and looks like a right frankfurter too! Expect Schwarzer to do some "Hot dogging" and take out Lehmann in the fifth. - Schwarzer 8pts Lehmann 7pts Quedrue v Cole

Europe's best left back................ faces the Englishman who wants his crown. Ashley relaxes at home by doing DIY, in particular plumbing. Wait for Cole to be "tap"-ed up for the second time this year, as Quedrue flushes Cole down the pan in trap two.

Quedrue 7pts Cole 6pts

Ugo v Cygan

Pascal has a tough nut, but so has Ugo. However Ugo's got hair on his, so he wins!

Ugo 8pts Cygan 7pts

Southgate v Toure

Southgate's been shopping again. This time he was at Currys checking out appliances for his villa in Portugal. Kolo doesn't like Curry's. He's more of a kebab and garlic sauce man! Anyway Southgate to lose this one, as Kolos garlic breath does the job in the tenth.

Southgate 8pts Toure 9pts

Xavier v Lauren

Neighbours was never the same when Lauren left (she was well fit). The Premiership was never the same when Abel left. Now he's back with his comedy hair styling, wait for Lauren to piss himself laughing. Whilst distracted, watch XaviHAIR rustle up a cut and blow job on his opposite.

Xavier 5pts Lauren 5pts

Mendieta v Hleb

Mendi needs to start pulling his finger out and weigh in with a good performance soon. Against this tricky Belarusian it will be difficult. Hleb sounds like something that comes out of your gob and the Minsk man will maul Mendi in the third.

Mendy 6pts Hleb 8pts

Boateng v Gilberto

Boateng will have his work cut out against the former Atheltico Minerio player. The Brazilian is good in the tackle and is a no nonsense player, just like George. This is too close to call, a point's decision.

Boateng 8pts Gilberto 8pts

Rochemback v Fabregas

Fabio will be telling "the snitch" that being a grass is not fab. It's just not allowed. Anyway big things are expected from the Brazilian. Fingers crossed, but think this is a split decision.

Rochemback 8pts Fabregas 8pts

Morrison V Pires

Despite Jim's youth, it'll be a tough battle against the classy Muskateer. I can't see Jim winning this one. Watch Pires show some fine fencing moves on Morrison, winning in the fourth with two garlic mushrooms and some diving to boot.

Morrison 6pts Pires 8pts

Viduka v Bergkamp

Arguably the best ever Premiership footballer...... faces Dennis the menace! He may be getting on, but Bergkamp can still pull a few tricks. But Dukes too big to be fucked about with. The Duke will smash his opponent in the eighth with a brace.

Viduka 9pts Bergkamp 8pts

Yakubu v Reyes

Watch fancy Dan Reyes wet himself when the Yak shows him his weapon. The lad will need counselling and will be sent back home to Seville for treatment. The Yak finally comes good in the ninth.

Yak 7pts Reyes 6pts

Total score:

Boro 79pts Arsenal 79pts

A 1-1 draw.

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