By James Bassett
October 28 2006

Having dismissed the talents of both Peter Crouch and Owen Hargreaves before the pair became England's record goal-scorer in a calendar year and England's Player of the World Cup respectively...


Have a Free £50 bet on totesport

...England fans (fat, loud-mouthed oafs, with no hair from two-bit towns that don't have proper football teams and whose vocabulary is limited to phrases like "ten German bombers") and English football journalists (fat, loud-mouthed oafs with bad hair who aren't good enough to report proper news and so spend their lives making up transfer stories and whose vocabulary is limited to phrases like "big spending Boro") have decided that Stewart Downing isn't good enough to play for England.

Apparently Downing's primary failing is his inability to beat his man. Perhaps they should ask Phil Neville what he thinks about Downing's inability to get past his full-back. Once the Everton captain has picked himself up off his arse having been torn to bits by Downing at The Riverside on Saturday, of course.

Let's do this.....

"Oh, my dear, sweet Eve, I love you even more than the butterscotch pond or the porno bush."

Jonathan Woodgate has picked up the 17,987th injury of his career and is likely to be out of action for at least a month with a mystery affliction.

A Boro statement read, "Jonathan Woodgate is doubtful for Boro's game against Everton on Saturday after picking up a leg injury in training." The use of a generic term 'leg injury' leaving Anti News to wonder whether a bruised shin is deemed to be as serious an injury as a broken femur in the land of Boro's medical staff.

Meanwhile, Boro's idiotically bequiffed right-back, Andrew Davies, told Sky Sports that the team will miss Woodgate, while the Real Madrid man sets up camp for the rest of the season in the treatment room. "I think it's his presence that everyone likes, I feel like he is always three seconds ahead of the game," said the notoriously slow full-back who can run a metre-and-a-half in the same length of time.

"Now, I'm not saying that Jezebel's easy, but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for its pottery!"

Gareth Southgate took the English football press to task this week for their treatment of Stewart Downing.

Downing, who played no part in England's humiliating defeat in Croatia, has become something of a cause célèbre amongst English football journalists, who, if they picked their heads up out of the mounds of cocaine they ply themselves with long enough to actually pay to go to a football match at The Riverside once in a while, might understand that Downing is actually a talented footballer.

"When you play down in London, for example, your cause is pushed a bit more by the national media," Southgate told www.mfc.co.uk, "But Stew's got to battle against that and the only way he can do that is by his performances on the field."

Meanwhile, James Morrison added his world-weary croon to the debate. "I have played with him for a long time and seen what he can do, so I have no doubts about Stewey Downing," the 22-year-old singer-songwriter told the club's official website, "I do not think there is anybody better than him down the left-hand side at the moment - I cannot think of anyone."

Certainly not Morrison himself, if his performance on the left-wing against Blackburn was anything to go by.

"Jonah! You died the way you lived: inside a whale."

Middlesbrough beat previously undefeated Everton 2-1 at The Riverside on Saturday afternoon.

Yakubu scored a penalty in the first half and missed one in the second, before a second-half goal from Mark Viduka secured the points for Boro, despite a 77th minute strike from Tim Cahill.

"It's very special for us," Southgate told Sky Sports News, having watched his team miss enough chances to win the game by four or five goals, "We've had to wait since the game against Chelsea here, so it's been tough."

"I think we earned the luck today because we created many chances, we were that positive," Southgate concluded, though he was barely audible over the sound of humble pie being chomped by thousands of fickle, pessimistic, "we're gonna get relegated because Sheffield United fluked a win over us", know-nothing fuckwits.

And with that....

Have a Free £50 bet on totesport

***************************

A GUARANTEED PROFIT ON WEST HAM v BLACKBURN

The Sky Sunday Premiership special comes from Upton Park this week as West Ham play host to Blackburn and we can guarantee you a profit on the match, whatever the result.

You won't be able to do this if you already have accounts with one or more of the bookies we are using for this bet but if that is the case, mail us and let us know which accounts you have and we'll send you an alternative bet.

What we are going to do is back Blackburn to win with Betfred in the hope of gathering a decent win. We are also going to back both West Ham and the draw so that we ensure that we end up in profit on this bet, whatever the result. Read on and you will find out how.

We're going to lay out a total of £125.00 on the match and we will collect £212.50 if Blackburn win. If West Ham win or it's a draw, we will get all our money back. Whatever the result, we will also gain a £25.00 free bet.

Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.

1. Open accounts with Betfred and Totesport and Extrabet. This shouldn't take you any longer than ten minutes.

2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts. Deposit £50.00 into your new Betfred account. Deposit £50.00 into your new Totesport account. Deposit £25.00 into your new Extrabet account.

3. Now make the following bets.

Place £50.00 on Blackburn at 13/8 with Betfred.

Place £50.00 on West Ham at 6/4 with Totesport

Place £25.00 on the draw at 2/1 with Extrabet

You have temporarily laid out a total of £125.00. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.

4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.

If Blackburn win, you will collect £212.50 from Betfred, including your stake back and your first win bonus. This money can be withdraw immediately.

We've had a few mails recently saying that our figures are wrong because people are forgetting about the Betfred bonus. When you are checking our figures, don't forget that Betfred double your winnings up to £100 if your first bet is a winner, so with this bet you will collect the following if it's a draw.

£81.25 winnings, doubled, plus your £50.00 stake back which equals £212.50.

If West Ham win, you will collect £125.00 from Totesport

If it's a draw, you will collect £125.00 from Extrabet.

As with Betfred, Extrabet also pay a bonus on your first bet. What they do is match your first bet up to £25.00 so if it's a draw win, you will collect the following:

£50.00 winnings, plus £50.00 winnings from your free matched bet plus your £25.00 stake back which equals £125.00.

Totesport will then credit your new account with a £25 free bet, whatever the result of the match.

5. This means that the worst case scenario on the West Ham v Blackburn match is Blackburn don't win and you get all your money back and gain a free £25.00 bet. But if Blackburn do win, you make £87.50 clean profit plus a free £25.00 bet.

Please feel free to contact us if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will come straight back to you.

Please note that the free bets and bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case,contact us and we'll mail you an alternative bet using different bookies.

This method of betting was used very successfully during the World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.

We guarantee this bet

It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for three seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.

Only once has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when I did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.

Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.

That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if I messed up the numbers.

The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.