By James Bassett
September 26 2006

Steptoe and Son might have left our screens in 1974, but the BBC this week unearthed another father and son act that apparently deal in an altogether different but still somewhat mucky business. Panorama's 'Undercover: Football's Dirty Secrets' alleged that Sam Allardyce and his seemingly dim-witted son, Craig, took illegal payments from at least three football agents to secure the transfer of players to Bolton Wanderers.

The FA have promised a "thorough and robust" investigation which, amongst other things, should hopefully shed some light on why, in January 2003, Middlesbrough paid Bolton Wanderers £3.5million for Michael Ricketts.

Let's do this.....

"Game shows aren't about cruelty. They're about greed and wonderful prizes like poorly built catamarans."

While, in the last few weeks, Middlesbrough had been rumoured to be a guilty party in Panorama's not-very revealing expose on football's bung culture, it turned out that Boro were, in fact, the victims of some alleged tapping-up, courtesy of chubby agent Peter Harrison, and Liverpool and Chelsea Football Clubs.

Harrison is alleged to have offered Boro winger, Nathan Porritt to Chelsea and Liverpool, and the programme showed footage of Chelsea's Head of Development, Frank Arnesen, discussing what wages his club might offer Porritt.

Unsurprisingly, a response from Boro wasn't long in coming. "We are hugely disappointed with the actions of Peter Harrison," Keith Lamb raged to www.mfc.co.uk, "It was quite clear from the footage shown on the programme that he approached other Premier League clubs to offer Nathan Porritt to them. Clearly Peter has a lot to answer for to the game's authorities and this football club."

Despite the club's feelings towards Harrison, Steve Gibson admitted that Boro are unlikely to pursue action against either club. "I didn't see any great wrongdoing from those clubs," the Boro Chairman admitted, perhaps aware that his decision to breach Premier League rules by giving the Manager's job to the unqualified Gareth Southgate doesn't make his own club whiter than white.

Still, none of this would have any relevance were it not for the hard work and investigative nous of a man named Knut. Which, when rearranged, bears a remarkable phonetic similarity to a term currently being applied to Peter Harrison by the population of Teesside.

"Oh, I'm sick of doin' Japanese stuff! In jail, we had to be in this dumb Kabuki play about the forty-seven Ronin, and I wanted to be Yoshi, but they made me Ori."

Gareth Southgate accepted responsibility for Boro's embarrassing 1-0 defeat at home to Notts County.

The League Two side, who made SEVEN changes to their first-team, out-passed and out-played Southgate's men for much of the game and Tcham N'Toya's 26th minute goal was enough to ensure Southgate's first cup run ended at the soonest opportunity.

"It is not a competition I wanted to go out of," claimed Southgate, as Anti News vigorously pointed to a team sheet with the words 'Gaizka' and 'Mendieta' on it, "And obviously I have to take responsibility because I put a team out with lots of changes, but a team I felt was good enough to win the match."

Southgate made eight changes from the weekend's draw at Bolton but insisted, "I still think it [the team selection] was good enough to win the match, but unfortunately on the night, we were not able to do that."

"But, of course, we are a Premier League team and we should beat a second division side," Southgate concluded, taking the words out of the mouths of the eleven thousand poor buggers that turned up to watch that shite.

"Goodbye, Japan! I'll miss your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas."

Boro lost 1-0 at home for the second time in a week after Shabani Nonda's first-half header sealed three points for visiting Blackburn.

While Blackburn deserved their win, Jason Euell took the chances he was presented with as you'd expect for a man with a career record of 84 goals in 261 games, fluffing a one-on-one with Brad Friedel late in the first-half.

"I think we were lacking in passion in the first half, if anything," said a clearly annoyed Gareth Southgate afterwards, "I thought we were passive, and it's the first time that I'd have to question the attitude of the players."

However, with Gaizka Mendieta preferred to Lee Cattermole, and James Morrison on the left-wing and Stuart Parnaby on the right, Anti News feels the blame lies with Southgate's bizarre team selection. A line-up so muddled, in fact, that it suggests Southgate's far-too-tight training top might be cutting off the circulation to his brain.

And with that....

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A GUARANTEED PROFIT ON BENFICA v MANCHESTER UNITED

It's back to the Champions League this week and we have worked out a really great bet that guarantees you a profit on Tuesday night's Benfica v Manchester United match, whatever the result.

What we are going to do is the draw with Betfred in the hope of cashing in the Betfred bonus of your first bet winnings matched, up to £100.

We are also going to back both Benfica and Manchester United so that we ensure that we end up in profit on this bet, whatever the result. Read on and you will find out how.

We're going to lay out a total of £157.50 on the match and we will collect £206.24 if it's a draw. If either team collects three points, we will get all our money back and gain £50.00 in free bets which we can cash in at the weekend.

Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.

1. Open accounts with Betfred and Stan James and Bet365. This shouldn't take you any longer than ten minutes.

2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts. Deposit £37.50 into your new Betfred account. Deposit £75 into your new Stan James account. Deposit £45 into your new Bet365 account.

3. Now make the following bets.

Place £37.50 on the draw at 9/4 with Betfred.

Place £75 on Manchester United to win at 11/10 with Stan James

Place £45 on Benfica to win at 5/2 with Bet365

You have temporarily laid out a total of £157.50. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.

4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.

If it's a draw, you will collect £206.24 from Betfred, including your stake back and your first win bonus. This money can be withdraw immediately.

If Manchester United win, you will collect £157.50 from Stan James

If Benfica win, you will collect £157.50 from Bet365.

Bet365 will also credit your account with a £25 free bet and Stan James will also credit your new account with a £25 free bet.

5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Benfica v Manchester United match is no draw and you break even and gain £50.00 in free bets. But if it's a draw, you win £48.74 and £50.00 in free bets.

Please feel free to contact us if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will come straight back to you.

Please note that the free bets and bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case,contact us and we'll try and find you an alternative.

This method of betting was used very successfully during the World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.

It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for three seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.

Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.