By Calum Law
September 6 2006

Not only does Rafael Benitez look and sound like a VAT Inspector, he also shares that profession's shrewd and dogged nature. Finally securing target Dirk Kuyt, he unleashed the Dutchman on a floundering West Ham for the most impressive debut half hour the Premiership has seen for many a year.
Striking an instant rapport with Benitez' other summer bargain, Craig Bellamy, it looked like Mourinho's worst nightmare may indeed come to pass: the geek shall inherit the earth.

Along the M62, Christiano Ronaldo's role as pantomime-villain-in-chief looked to be under threat as the only footballer more sullen and charmless than the improbably fat-necked Portuguese, i.e. Anelka, arrived in town in a puffa coat (those icy August chills an' all) to form a Whingers Dream Team with Big Face Allardyce. Not since the 'brains of a rocking horse' union of Peter Andre and Jordan was something just so meant to be.

Allardyce (prime among the breed of manager who'll blame the referee, the pitch, the cheating opposition, the mascots, rather than admit an honest defeat) used to support a Magnum P.I.-syle moustache. One suspects he was the type who held on to his facial forest creature way too long as his friends – aware of the symbolic appropriation by the Muscle Mary fraternity – sniggered behind his back.

Sam (“that's Big Sam to you son!”) regularly sends out a team capable of playing football. It's just that they don't usually bother – prefering to lump it to the hefty lad with the sharp elbows. Despite his team's agricultural approach, Big was nevertheless tabloid readers favourite to be England manager – admittedly from a poor field. Fortunately his 'pick me sir!' pleading came to nought and he and his headset will not be gracing the international stage just yet, or hopefully ever. We eagerly await Anelka's reaction to being told to 'sniff out Kev's knockdowns son, and get in where it hurts.'

Down the road at Anelka's last Premiership victims, the archetypal Big Manager Malcolm Allison watched, as yet again, honest yeomanry bested fancy foreign frippery. And as I took in Boro's feeble capituation on Monday night, I was reminded of a somewhat curious quote of Allison's many years ago when he was interviewed after a long spell working abroad.

'I was saying years ago that the English don't kick it with the right part of the foot,' ran the gist of his outburst, 'and I've come back twenty years later and they still don't.'

What he meant was that English players still didn't trust themselves to trap and pass the ball with the sweet spot of the foot – the front of the instep – but routinely used the more forgiving side of the foot. What this means is that instead of playing 'on your toes' – witness the speed and fluidity of movement of Barcelona, Arsenal – your weight is distributed on the heels.

I've no wish to lambast a seventeen-year-old kid, and I've only see him play half a dozen times on TV, but I would suggest that something is still amiss in the English game if Lee Cattermole is being talked of as a future England captain by his youth team coach, who in the next breath declares: 'Lee would be the first to admit that he's not technically good' (my italics).

Cattermole cannot be blamed for Monday's debacle; as both Toby Higgins and Watson and Warnock have correctly asserted, Southgate sent out the wrong team – one lacking midfield penetration. Cattemole's an honest kid and the game will always need his type, but just as the reassuring presence of a Big in defence or on the bench can be a curse in disguise so the lionising of a homegrown 'enforcer' can retard an honest appraisal of a team's virtues.

The best player on show on Moday night was a Nigerian who's been long-derided as an ornate misfit. As the saying goes: be careful what you wish for.

NOW HAVE YOUR SAY IN THE FORUM

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BRAZIL v ARGENTINA ARBITRAGE SPECIAL
Harry Haverton

Brazil play Argentina at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium on Sunday afternoon at 4pm and although the match is a friendly, it will probably be more competitive than the European qualifiers involving the home nations this weekend.

Extra interest is added by the inclusion in the Argentine squad of new West Ham signings Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano.

Even better than that is the fact that we can place a decent sized bet on the match and be guaranteed not to lose, whatever the result turns out to be.

Betfred are offering new online customers a bonus of up to £100, completely free with your first bet. Whatever you win from your first bet, Betfred will give you an extra 100% on top, up to the value of £100. For example, if you win £100 with your first bet, they will double it up and give you another £100 completely free. And you can withdraw it immediately as well

So if we bet on the draw with Betfred, we will collect the Betfred bonus and if not, we will break even because we are going to lay the bet off at Betdaq.

We're going to lay out a total of £360.00 on the match and we will collect £420.00 if it is a draw and break if it is not a draw.

If you already have an account with Betfred, you won't be able to do this as the offer is open to new account holders but if that is the case, just let me know and I'll try and find you an alternative bet for you.

Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.

1. Open accounts with Betfred and Betdaq. This shouldn't take you any longer than five minutes.

2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts. Deposit £100 into your new Betfred account. Deposit £260 into your new Betdaq account.

3. Now make the following bets.

Place £100 on the draw at 11/5 with Betfred. You will need to navigate to soccer - weekend international coupon and it is the very last match on that coupon.

Lay the draw with £100 at 3.6 (26/10) with Betdaq. You will need the £260 in your account to cover your liabilities on this bet.

You have temporarily laid out a total of £360. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match live on BBC.

4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.

If it's a draw, you will collect £420.00 from Betfred, including your bonus and your stake back.

If it's not a draw, you will collect £360.00 from Betdaq, including your stake back.

This means that the worst case scenario on the Brazil v Argentina match is that you get all your money back if neither side wins. If however, the match is drawn then you will make a profit of £60.00.

This method was used very successfully during the World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.

It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for three seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.

Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.

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A GUARANTEED PROFIT ON FRANCE v ITALY
by Harry Haverton

International week can sometimes be a bit of a drag but we can really liven this one up by making some money on tonight's France v Italy Euro 2008 qualifier.

Betfred are offering new online customers a bonus of up to £100, completely free with your first bet. Whatever you win from your first bet, Betfred will give you an extra 100% on top, up to the value of £100. For example, if you win £100 with your first bet, they will double it up and give you another £100 completely free. And you can withdraw it immediately as well.

So what we are going to do here is back the draw with Betfred in the hope of collecting the bonus. But if either team takes all three points, we will still make a decent profit anyway.

We're going to lay out a total of £110.00 on the match and we will either win £40, £2.50 or break even but whatever happens, we will also gain a total of £35.00 in free bets, with more to come later, and we can cash these out on the Premier League matches at the weekend.

If you already have accounts with one or more of the three bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this but if that is the case, just let me know and I'll find you an alternative bookie of which there are a few.

Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.

1. Open accounts with Betfred, UK Betting and Stan James. This shouldn't take you any longer than ten minutes.

2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts. Deposit £30 into your new Betfred account. Deposit £30 into your new UK Betting account and deposit £50 into your new Stan James account.

3. Now make the following bets.

Place £30 on the draw at 2/1 with Betfred.

Place £30 on Italy to win at 11/4 with UK Betting.

Place £50 on France to win at 6/5 with Stan James.

You have temporarily laid out a total of £110. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open, crank up Sky TV and enjoy the match.

4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.

If it's a draw, you will collect £150.00 from Betfred, including your bonus and your stake back.

If Italy win, you will collect £112.50 from UK Betting, including your stake back.

If France win, you will collect £110.00 from Stan James, including your stake back.

5. You will also be credited with a free £10 bet from UK Betting and a free £25 bet from Stan James and if you decide to keep on betting with UK Betting, you will also receive further free bets up to the value of £15.

This means that the very worst case scenario on the France v Italy match is £35 of free bets if France win.

If you want us to work out the best way to cash out the free bets on the next matches, just contact us and we'll do all the maths for you and tell you the best bets to place.

This method was used very successfully during the World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.

We guarantee this bet

It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for three seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.

Only once has our refund guarantee been triggered and that was when I did all the figures wrong and sent refunds out to those who had followed our advice and made a small loss.

Our refund guarantee works like this. If this bet doesn't work like we say it will and you end up out of pocket, we will refund your losses. Simple as that.

That means that you simply cannot lose on this, whatever happens and even if I messed up the numbers.

The only stipulation here is that you must click on the links on this page to be eligible for the refund guarantee, not that you'll be needing to claim anyway. Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.