By Pat
February 7 2005

I thought it would be a good idea to explain to you all about my Tardis. It is basically a standard issue portable toilet Mark 2 It is much better than the old Mark 1 in the sense that the original, which many of you will know, was only good enough to sit on the ground at outside functions like Church fetes, Glastonbury and other outdoor events. Mark 2 was modified to add extra luxury when a person needed to visit the Privy. It was designed to have every home comfort in mind. A mirror, a flush handle, a toilet roll holder and a little U shaped mat in front of the dunny.
Out of a production line of 1000 however, 2 of these masterpieces were finally ditched basically because there was too much of a methane build up under the seat. This caused one to explode, but left the other still standing, all but disused.

Until I came along that is.

I immediately saw the possibilities in this methane powered thunder box and set my heart on buying it. I purchased it from a man called Bob “anything for a fiver” Shipoutski, who managed to sell it to me for £4.99, and a years subscription to Viz. Thus I have become a proud owner of one of the marvels of the Twenty first Century.

Obviously I had to replace a few things, and the seat was swapped for a Lazy boy 3000, a must for time travel, and a definite boon when a footy match is boring.

All I had to do was install the control system….



and then I was away!

Yes it may look like the interior of my car, a Ford focus, but there were several cunning adaptations.

1. The radio is tuned to Radio Aire, so that no matter where I am I can always tune in to the real-time match.
2. The cigarette lighter, when pressed heats up the methane at the bottom of the unit and provides a rather quick time warp mode.
3. Turn the wheel to the left and you go back in time. The dial on the dash tells you the year. Turn to the right and you go ahead.
4. The air vent system has been adapted to take on more methane. For this you need to turn it full on and park in a field of cows. This is the best source of methane known. However, if you are not near a field of cows, and you desperately need methane, somewhere like Old Trafford will do.

I hope you enjoy the travels that we will take in this marvellous machine. It’s only big enough for one, so I will have to give you the reports as I see them. Happy reminiscing!!!