Leeds United
Behind the Belly - Fans View - Leeds 2 - 0 Walsall
By Rich Baggott
March 23 2008
BatFastard is back with his humour ladened view of Leeds V Walsall at Elland Road. The food obsessed fan provides us with an update of both his pre-match eating habits and detailed match analysis. Please read the Batfastard archive first if you haven't seen his writings before (Link at bottom of report) - Warning - May contain Adult humour and Language.
Well, how fabulous it is that a 5.20pm kick off is finally upon us and I am afforded the majority of my Saturday to begin research on my up-coming book, “The Great Kebab Guide to Planet Earth.” Although I realise that getting round every single kebab outlet on Earth will indeed take weeks rather than days, I am confident that the end result will be worth the wait and that the publication will rival my previous trilogy of “War and Pizza – A Guide to Italian Restaurants Throughout the Middle East,” “Moby @#$%& … Brighouse Bertha and Other Legendary Fish Suppers” and “Hamlet – Creative Ideas with a Little Bit of Pork.” Sold very well in the gay community, that last one did. Strangely.
I did actually write a fourth book as well – “Jamie Oliver is a Total C-unt” – but it was sadly rejected by 37 separate publishers - all citing legal reasons.
Nonetheless my global kebab quest began in earnest this afternoon, though I feel I should start by offering a brief explanation of my judgement criteria. The meat is given a mark out of 30. I aim for meat which is cooked to a medium level – not too soft, not too crispy – though this is mainly as I am writing for an audience with varied tastes, so I avoid the extremes. In truth I prefer it very rare, but the high accompanying risk of salmonella makes it legally unwise for me to formally recommend such an offering. For the same reason, meat must always be served warm – no cold kebab meat can ever be awarded a mark above 15, however tasty it may be. The pitta bread is marked out of 20 and again should not be toasted too crisply – but should certainly not be so soft as to go soggy and allow any spillage; likewise the chilli sauce is marked out of 20 (aiming for a good, liberal spicing – but not too hot and not too runny else it WILL cause seepage through the pitta); and finally the accompanying packing (I think the technical term is “salad”) is also marked out of 20. This should enhance the flavour of the kebab and should usually include onions – but under no circumstances should there so much of it, that the server can skimp on the meat.
This gives a mark out of 90, which leaves 10 points to be awarded for artistic impression – bonus marks can be given in this section for anything unique about the kebab, which separates it from more run-of-the-mill offerings. In the past, for example, I have variously had kebabs which contained a highly-spiced yoghurt based Indian-style sauce (very novel, indeed); one which packed the bottom of the pitta with diced sheesh-kebab meat to form an extra protective layer to prevent chilli sauce seepage (very inventive); and one which simply contained lots of hair. Very different indeed, that one. All of these would have scored highly in the ‘artistic impression’ category.
And thus my global quest began – as many global quests do (or so I imagine) – at the top end of Briggate in Leeds City Centre. Rather than report individually on each of the 27 kebabs I consumed, I shall simply comment generally, leaving the detail for the book itself. I will say however that the top kebab actually came from Abdul’s (down a side street just off The Headrow - 87%), the meat was absolutely done to perfection, the pitta perfectly crisp and, if it hadn’t been for all the fingernails in the salad, it would have probably scored in the early 90s.
On the whole though, I was rather disappointed with Leeds. A 71.6% average is unlikely to compare well with other big cities. Maybe it was the time of day, but there were simply too many cases of undercooked meat, of stale salad from the previous night and of under-toasted pittas – by the end of the afternoon, my beige jumper was practically red with chilli sauce. Most annoying. I was also less than impressed with the number of times I encountered meat which still had fur on it (I mean, come on, guys – it only takes a scrape with a sharp knife – fur positively peels off when warm), the lack of interesting ‘extras’ and what I can only describe as a pandemic of non-edible items which can only have arrived in the mix by sheer carelessness. Apart from fingernails and human hair (which is forgivable when someone’s cooking in a hurry), I was disappointed to find items such as a large piece of newspaper, a control button from a microwave oven and even a rubber duck in amongst this afternoon’s offerings. Come on, Kebab House owners, get it together.
On the plus side, the layout of Leeds is such that all 27 venues can be enjoyed with just a few minutes walk between them in a circular route leaving one at the bottom end of Briggate, ready for the ‘hamburger run’ from town down to Elland Road. I must say, for all the disappointing moments along the way, I took my seat at 5.15 feeling pleasantly full.
Onto the match itself and I almost feel slightly fraudulent writing a report of a game that most of you will have seen on Sky and had a far superior view to myself in the bottom corner of the West Stand. I am also disappointed to see that Frazer has been dropped in favour of our deceased on-loan left back, Alan Sheehan, who has obviously been dug up especially for the occasion. Perhaps it’s a sympathy thing with the cameras being here – a sort of statement with the arbitration coming up – look at us, we’re so desperate we’ve got a corpse in the starting eleven. On reflection, perhaps that’s good thinking by Batesy, after all.
Walsall look the livelier from the offset, though suddenly a missed 
throughball from their centre-half on two minutes puts Bex clean through. He slots it calmly past the keeper, but agonisingly wide of the post. A minute later and he again carves himself a chance, blasting just over from the edge of the box. The next twenty five minutes sees Walsall having most of the ball, but with zero end product, while Leeds certainly look the brighter and more direct in front of goal. Prutts goes close with a shot from the edge and Freedman is looking absolute quality with some really intelligent touches. We seem to be playing a much more direct style – the tactic of pointless, possession-keeping short passes of the past few weeks seems to have been dropped, in favour of one that’s really trying to ask questions of the opposition. Walsall, for their part, look calm and organised – the hope is we can get a breakthrough before frustration sets in.
And, on 28 minutes, just when we seem to be running out of steam, a glorious throughball from Kilkenny finds Bex clean through, who rounds the keeper and calmly slots home. 1-0 and no more than we deserve.
The half plays out with Walsall trying to come forward more and more, but our defence coping quite manfully with everything thrown at us and Caspar, I’m pleased to report, a mere spectator. Prutts goes close again on 40 minutes, with a low drive that the keeper did well to parry but half-time arrives and we go into the break with a well-deserved lead, having played some of the most direct football I’ve seen so far under Macca – very pleasing indeed, lets hope we can keep it up for the second period. My one and only complaint is the bloody weather – it is absolutely freezing and if it weren’t for the insulating layer of chilli sauce covering my jumper, I swear I’d rip the coats off the three pensioners in front of me and tie them together to cover myself up with. Not good for the back end of March. Global warming? Bring it on!
The second half starts with more lively play. Howson with a weak shot following a great pass from Kilkenny, followed by Freedman forcing a good save from the keeper. Though our hearts were in our mouths as a Walsall free kick dipped agonisingly wide 5 minutes later with Caspar seemingly beaten. Straight up the other end though, and a crisp move leads to a Prutton cross and a glanced header from Freedman well saved.
As the half moved on though, Walsall seemed to come more and more into it – Mooney missing a seemingly unmissable chance from 6 yards on the hour mark. Suddenly our rhythm seems to have left us and I’m wondering how much we are going to rue not getting a second goal in the period we were on top. 
Five minutes later, a pile-driving free kick from our zombie left-back forces another good save from their keeper and Bex goes close from the resulting corner – just over. Three minutes later, a belting run from Kenton forces a corner, from which Johnson has a header cleared off the line. I have to say I’m impressed with our response to Walsall’s earlier pressure.
Over the next ten minutes, Walsall again start to get their game together, but suddenly a break away, another excellent through ball from Kilkenny and Bex finishes clinically, despite initially appearing to over-run the ball. 2-0 and surely we can’t throw it away from here!
Two minutes later and Jonathan Douglas gets his chance, coming on in place of Johnson and the great roar from the crowd greeting his return is only matched for decibels by the piercing shrill of orgasm from a remote corner of India. Regular messageboard users will know exactly what I mean by that.
The game drifted comfortably to a close, with our defence completely in control of Walsall’s vein attempts to claw their way back into it. And even in injury time we looked capable – a surging Howson run and shot deflected over the bar.
Overall I have to say this was undoubtedly the best I’ve seen us under Macca. 
The p-ussy-footing around seems to have gone. We are more direct, more focused and we kept the tempo up and Walsall, who are no mugs, were kept completely at bay. Superb stuff. For the first time since Boxing Day, I have high hopes for us for the remainder of the season. Lets just hope we can keep it up!
Player Ratings (6=competent)
Caspar and the 4 defenders – I will give all of them a 7.5. Rather than marking them individually, the crucial thing for me was that the 5 of them looked like a unit for the first time since the first few games of the season. Walsall are a bloody good side away from home, but we had them in our pockets right from the off, limiting them to just one real chance all game, blazed over by Mooney. An excellent defensive display, particularly following the debacle last week at Port Vale. Well done to all concerned!
Johnson – another good game, got involved and put in a good shift – 7
Howson – my only weak mark – was often anonymous, unfortunately – though nearly made up for it with a goal at the end – 5
Prutton – excellent performance. Involved with everything – 8
Kilkenny – likewise, plus he set up both goals 8.5
Freedman – superb display and finally a worthy partner for Bex – 9
Beckford – back to his brilliant best. Thoroughly deserved his 2 goals. M-O-M. 9.5
What can I say, folks……. United are back! United are back! Well, hopefully anyway.
Digg
Delicious
Facebook
Reddit
Stumbleupon
23/03/2008 09:16
leeds united, srsly lacking in Alan Smith's since August 8, 2004
Quote:Batfastard
Two minutes later and Jonathan Douglas gets his chance, coming on in place of Johnson and the great roar from the crowd greeting his return is only matched for decibels by the piercing shrill of orgasm from a remote corner of India. Regular messageboard users will know exactly what I mean by that.
My LUFC forum
05 SUMMER LEAGUE WINNER
05/06-(06/07 Joint
)PREDICTION LEAGUE WINNER
CBC WINNER 08/09
Quote:whats with the hyperlinks on random words?
its called 'Content Link Advertising' - something the Netowrk do, not us.
To send me a PM, click here
Follow us on Twitter [twitter.com]
