 |
The cover shows the supporters' team who had travelled
down to Merthyr Tydfil for the September weekend to play their counterparts of the Welsh
non-league side. A successful trip it was too as they recorded an impressive 8-1 win. Pick
of the contents was a Liverpool "International Call-Off" Form which had been
standardised to provide a multiple choice selection for manager Kenny Dalglish to choose
from. Addressed to Andy Roxburgh it began, "Dear Andy, Very sorry but my
player..........is really not very well and won't be able to join the squad for the
forthcoming game. Unfortunately he...." At this point you chose a reason e.g.
"has a sore leg" before moving onto the next portion. "Honestly, despite
what the papers are saying we have not pulled him out because...." Again you got to
choose a reason e.g. "it's the Club's annual golf match on Wednesday." The
letter concluded with "Again, awfully sorry. Yours in sport, Kenny Dalglish." To
illustrate it's effectiveness, the letter had Steve Nicol's name hand-written into the
space for the player's name; a suitable choice considering the suspicious circumstances
surrounding Steve's last call-off. |
 |
This was one of the classic covers and the cartoon also
featured on a Supporters' t-shirt. The rear cover was in a similar vein and listed the
away fixtures for the forthcoming season under a heading of "The Senile Mutant Wino
Bears following Queen's Park to an Amphitheatre near you in 1990/91". To make
things a little bit more interesting, each trip had it's own description as follows: The
Model Village, Montrose / Roofless-A-Go-Go, Berwick / The Ploughed Furrow, Dumbarton /
Beside The Toffee Factory, Stenhousemuir / Stadium Of Light, Coatbridge / Stade Recs,
Alloa / The Trumpton Bandstand, Stranraer / Estadio Shirey Pirey, Falkirk / The Skydrome,
Cowdenbeath, The Wind Tunnel, Arbroath / Drastico Plastico, Stirling, Stalag Palmerston,
Dumfries / The Rose Bowl, Methil. It almost made them sound exotic. |
 |
An unaccredited article (possibly by Editor
Alan Rhodes) was severely berating East Fife who were described as a disgrace. The writer
continued by saying, "When I support Queen's, I half expect to be gestured or shouted
at by opposition players, but I don't like to be challenged to a fight after the match,
especially by wee scumbags like Ian Brown. But I was more annoyed by East Fife's
'sportsmanship' near the end of the match. With Queen's pushing for the equaliser, Mick
Monaghan kicked the ball out of play so that an East Fife player could receive treatment.
With everyone expecting East Fife to give us back possession from the throw-in, they
proceeded to keep the ball to themselves, thinking that winning two points was more
important than the spirit of the game. East Fife should remember, when promotion is handed
out, cheats never win!" Sure enough, East Fife remained on our league fixture list
the following season. |
 |
This month's interview was with Davie Greig who was
never short of a good story. Just one of several was, "One Saturday morning,
Giffnock had an away match against Springburn in Possil and we were top of the league at
the time. I had been playing well and always hoped that one day some club scouts would
come to have a look at me. Half an hour had gone when I scored a great goal and ran about
daft as I enjoyed my celebrations to the full. Turning towards two guys who I thought were
scouts, I was surprised to see them coming onto the pitch. Surely they weren't going to
sign me right there and then? Instead of coming up to me, they grabbed the opposition no.
6 from behind and proceeded to handcuff him. It was two C.I.D. men and apparently this
player had knifed someone the night before. Talk about being stabbed in the back!" |
 |
Once again, The Web had
undergone a shake-up at the top and Martin "pulls no punches" Harvey was the new
occupier of the Editor's chair. We were still being treated to 32 pages for our 50p so
there was no immediately visible change, from the outside at least.However, the main
article had been written by Mr. A.K.C. Harvey, Martin's dad. However, any suggestion of
nepotism should be swiftly nipped in the bud as Kenny was officially reporting on the
Club's summer trip to California. Highlights included a USA barman asking Davie Greig,
"What age are you?" before being left bemused by his instant response of
"The Stone Age!" We also learned that the players' favourite song started off
with a reference to Yogi Bear and ended with a last line of "Martin Smith's a
pervert." As Kenny himself summarised, "It's amazing how many a true word is
spoken in jest!" |
|
 |
As Martin Harvey began to settle more comfortably into
"that chair", one could be forgiven for sensing that he possibly possessed a
mild dislike of Clyde. There were a few clues to guide you in this direction. Firstly, his
editorial concluded by announcing, "Let the Clyde-bashing commence!" On the
opposite page an article by "Beermonster" ended with a presumably rhetorical
question, "Don't you just hate Clyde?" Further in and you were treated to
"Some amazing facts about Clyde fans" which revealed that "Clyde fans are
named after Clint Eastwood's pet orang-utan, but that they are even uglier than usual when
you look at them from close up." We were also told that "One fan had a sharp
enough wit to call our illustrious Editor 'a fat b*****d" . Well, whatever their
other faults, at least there's nothing wrong with their eyesight then! |
 |
Following a previous incident where Eddie Hunter's
fabricated account of the Queen's tour of California had been taken as a gospel by a
reporter, thereby forcing a subsequent retraction and apology from Club President Martin
Smith, SuperTed had been at it again and this time Editor Martin Harvey was far from
amused as he called for our coach's head. Referring to attributed quotes from Eddie like
"Second Division clubs should not even be playing on a Saturday" and "we
should be revamped into a midweek league, in which the big clubs could blood their
youngsters." Martin didn't mince his words and urged the Committee to take action and
discipline Eddie because "the remarks he made were nothing short of a disgrace. Our
coach shouldn't be talking such rubbish, and shouldn't be allowed to as well." Well,
he always had a reputation for being outspoken and damn the consequences, didn't he? Err,
Martin that is. |
 |
Martin's hard hitting attitude over the last few issues
had certainly generated a lot more controversial contributions than ever before, but on
balance The Web had probably benefited as a result. Not that
there wasn't criticism in certain quarters however. Eventually Martin felt it necessary to
publish a mission statement which was probably as fine a piece of journalism as had ever
graced the magazines pages. Excerpts included, "Everyone will get the chance to
express their opinion and the right of reply will always be available. People's different
opinions on different matters separate the good supporters magazines from the bad ones.
The Web will not be censored or intimidated, and will go on printing the truth as we
always have done." Follow that, if you can! |
 |
Was there a backlash to these fine words? The editorial
for the last issue of the season posted concerns that all was not well at supporters HQ as
Martin warned, "whether or not I'm still Editor next season remains to be seen."
If this was to be his last issue, it was a great one to go out out on as it certainly blew
away some of the old cobwebs with Hampden's inner sanctum. First of the "wince"
items was a cartoon which depicted Peter Buchanan trying to gain support for his bid to
become Club Social Convenor. A supporter headbuts him and as he walks off into the
distance, a bloody-nosed PGB is seen calling after him, "I take it I can count on
your vote at the election?". This was quickly followed by another in the same vein
which showed Jim Rutherford at his desk penning a letter ("they'll love this
one") which read, "Sorry (ha-ha), you can't have the Hampden Trophy". As
provoked as these knee-jerk reactions were, a more subtle approach might have worked
better in the long run. Instead, The Web was about to part
company with a talent that it could ill afford to lose. |
 |
The announcement that Joe Beaver would be taking over
from Martin Harvey could have been considered as a comparison between the sublime and the
ridiculous, were it not for the fact that Martin was still on hand to lend the new-boy his
assistance. It was also time to announce the results of the end of season survey and it
contained the usual mixture of serious opinion and black humour. For example, 44% of
supporters were now in favour of Q.P. turning professional and 73% wanted us to sign
former professionals even if we remained amateur. Only 10% felt confident of the then
Committee's ability to lead us into the future. Louis Thow was voted worst
referee with Willie Young appearing at the opposite end of the scale. Jim Farry won the
title of "The Scottish Football Personality Who You Would Most Like To Slap In The
Face", with Gerry McNee running him a close second. Sadly, reflecting his continued
drop in popularity, Eddie Hunter also rated a mention. |
 |
Resentment to performances on the field was quickly
reaching the levels acquired for matters off it, and this reached its zenith with the
unfurling of a "Hunter must go" banner during a home defeat by Brechin. Worse
still, it was captured on telly highlights too! As the media gathered round Hampden like
vultures sensing a kill, a local paper despatched Keith McAllister to conduct an exclusive
interview with the man himself. Fortunately Keith still remembered where his loyalties lay
and saved the best bits for this issue. Eddie had been urging the Club to change its
signing policy to allow him to sign former professionals who would fulfil the amateur
requirements of the club and play for nothing. When Eddie had publicly asked for any
players who felt that they had "missed the boat", he received over 100 requests
for trials. Many came from former pros and had to be rejected. The first trial involved 40
of the strict amateurs - only one was considered as being possible first team material! |
 |
The cover said it all. Clyde 2 - Queen's Park 3. Keith
McAllister had been running a "Diary Of A Season", and poor reading it had made
with so much despondency around Hampden at the time. However, one Saturday afternoon in
particular had almost made it all seem worthwhile, as the following excerpt proves:
"We're two down at half time to Clyde, another ropy refereeing decision contributing
to our downfall. It was never a penalty. But have you no faith? The second half is the
sort of stuff that legends are made of. A high cross from Clanky came off Thomson's head
and we're back in the game. A minute later and Clanky turns on a bawbee to thrash the ball
past Howie. Pick it out the net, 'keeper! The fans are semi-loopy as queen's go for the
kill. The fans are completely loopy as Jamie Rodden scores the third and races to the
Clyde fans for their acclaim. we go mental and act as if we've won the European Cup. The
chants of 'Easy, easy' go up as a season's frustrations are dispelled in a 45 minute
period. Rush home to the wife, vowing to do her in if she does not ask me the score before
9 o'clock." Who cares about the Wilson, Thatcher or whoever diaries? This is the
stuff that life is all about! |
|
 |
Another summer, another Supporters AGM. What the heck,
another new Editor! This time David Martin had pledged to fight the good fight, albeit
that you now had to pay 60p for the privilege of witnessing him do so. The close-season
survey threw up some more interesting statistics. 69% of readers had felt that there was a
need for Queen's to change it's thinking about the current view of what constituted
"an amateur". In the follow-up question, 38% said that they were prepared to
accept former players back from the professional ranks, another 8% wanted to take anyone
whether a former player or not, whilst 24% wanted to go the whole hog and turn
professional. The remaining 40% wished to preserve the status quo. It was also encouraging
to see that only 25% wanted Eddie Hunter to receive his P45 from the Club. However, it
wouldn't be too long before the minority got their wish. |
 |
David Martin's appointment had provoke a resurgence of
interest in the magazine and the next issue was not only out on time, but its 28 pages
were choc-full of goodies. Oh, and there were also articles by Messrs. Stronach and
Raeburn. In fact, young Del-boy had excelled himself by writing three articles, and only
one was mince! Under the heading of "What Are Hampden Pies Made Of?", Derek
managed to turn "I came, I saw, I ate" into four paragraphs which basically told
us, "A Cowdenbeath fan nearly boaked on a greasy pie. Five minutes later I spent 70p
and bought one too. I only ate it because I was hungry. Next time I'll go to Greggs and
leave Tubsy to scoff the lot, ha-ha!" David Martin was less than impressed (why did
he publish it then?) and used up more space than Derek had used up to tell him so! To
anyone out there who still thinks that "Agadoo" is a great record, track down
this article. It's also a classic! |
 |
As the cover suggests, the main theme behind the next
issue was the Scottish Cup and, as if by miracle, a whole host of articles on the subject
materialised as if out of thin air. "Kurt Cobain" had the task of writing Part 4
which appeared under the sub-heading of "Thow's A Pillock". It centred around a
first round tie in December 1989 when Dumbarton left Hampden with a 2-1 win. The main gist
of the argument was that Louis Thow had been largely responsible for our defeat due to
disallowing a Queen's goal after initially having given it, and then sending off Peter
McNamee for his first bad tackle of the game. Two classic quotes stood out. After the goal
was disallowed, "I can still picture Higgy running down the steps of The North
Enclosure and headbutting the fence." However this was topped by his description of
Mad-Alec Rattray's post-match abuse of the linesman who had raised his flag to cause Thow
to chalk off the goal. "Nice work Alec - pity you got the wrong linesman!" |
 |
Bob McPherson had provided an interesting article for
this one entitled "Scottish Amateur Internationalists - The Personalities" based
on a recent book on the subject by a George Campbell from Ontario in Canada of all places.
Naturally, given the nature of the subject matter, it should have been of particular
interest to Queen's fans. Amongst the trivia presented here, we are told that Alex
Ferguson only managed one appearance, and he was the sole Q.P. representative on that
occasion. Another one-appearance player was right winger George Herd of Clyde. On that
occasion, his team mates consisted of 9 Spiders, and the other player was from Queen's
Park Rangers! Willie Neil's 45 caps made him the most capped player of all but Bert Cromar
is the most capped Q.P. man with 35 caps. Puzzled? Well, 14 of Willie Neil's caps came
from his time with Airdrie before he joined Queen's. So now you know! |
 |
As we reached the end of the season, readers quickly
scanned the Editorial to see whether there was even a hint that Mr. Martin might not be in
situ for the next issue. Unlike the corresponding issues of the previous two seasons,
there was no such comment and, indeed, there was a promises that the magazine would go
from strength to strength the following term. Good! At least there would now be a period
of stability. Derek Stronach was back again with two pages of "utter tosh". No
really, that was the title! The cause of his increased intake of gripe water was "the
Scotland v Holland game which heralded the opening of the all new look Hampden (well apart
from the same old Rangers End and the ever-crumbling South Stand." Derek felt that
Craig Brown should receive the brunt of the blame for "a rather insipid
performance" and he was particularly annoyed with Craig's quote about fielding
"an experimental line-up". As Derek astutely pointed out, our midfield of
McStay, McAllister and McCall had accumulated "a mere 117 caps". Chuck it Brown!
Stronach for Scotland, anyone? |
 |
With "The Flintstones" doing so well at the
box office, time for another superb piece of plagiarism from the Q.P. T-shirt designers
and, of course, another easy to assemble (but nonetheless striking) cover. As anticipated,
David Martin was still in charge and we were treated to another excellent 28 pages, and no
price increase! It was survey results time. Could we gleam anything new from them?
Apparently an impressive 86% of readers also bought the programme which only served to
prove that The Web had found the right balance in providing
fan-orientated content, and that perhaps the programme wasn't so bad after all.
Nominations for recipients of a bullet from a magnum included The Tory Cabinet, James
Traynor, Archie McPherson, Alex Cameron, Gordon McQueen and Mr.Blobby at Meadowbank. Good
to see that the football media were so well represented! |
|
 |
Issue 79 appeared in January, 1996, 15 months after its
predecessor! What had gone wrong? New Editor Derek Hendry was tempted to suggest that
"this issue is so jam-packed with features, stories etc that it has taken a year to
put together," but he then conceded that he would be lying. Tantalisingly, however,
he refused to reveal the "gory details" other than to confirm that "The
Web is back in business!" It was back up to 32 pages, although 70p was
now the asking price. Since the last issue, the Cub had parted company with Eddie Hunter,
and this was Keith McAllister's first opportunity to pay tribute to one of our favourite
sons. Particularly moving was the following extract: "When the shouts from the fans
started to get unnecessarily personal I got sad and embarrassed. The guy put his life into
the Club and he deserved better than he got. I felt ashamed to be a supporter on on more
than one occasion." As Keith himself concluded, "it would have been good if
another position had been found for him at Hampden as we can ill afford to turn away
talented people at this Club." No argument there! |
 |
Joe McMonagle had now emerged as a regular contributor
and his "Soap Box Corner" was a good way to keep in touch with some of the
non-essential goings on at the Club. Firstly he was tipping David 'Scoop' Tate to become
"the new speech writer and image consultant for John Major. Anyone who can make a
Strollers match report read like an international best-seller would surely have no
problems convincing the nation that John Major is a charismatic and exciting figure."
Then he informed us that the other half of the notorious "dangerous brothers",
Gordon Lynas, "is concerned that his anonymity will be lost when the press box is
demolished along with the rest of the South Stand." Silly boy. Gordon could make his
announcements whilst standing naked in the centre circle and people still wouldn't know
who he was! |
 |
The next issue appeared in five months time and,
although there had been a further hike to 80p, to be fair there were 40 pages and only one
advert. One thing that was becoming more noticeable during the period of Derek's tenure
was the increase in the number of letters being submitted. Fortunately, not all of them
were as intellectually challenging as this example. "Dear Web, I think that your
fanzine is crap, and the only good thing about it is that it doesn't cut your bum while
using it as toilet paper. Nearly all of the articles you print are anti-Rangers (&
Celtic) so you are obviously very jealous of our success on and off the park. I hope that
you and your Fanzine disappears up your own arse." The letter was signed, "An
angry Rangers fan, Ibrox." As the late Jimmy Sanderson would have been only too
tempted to say, "So what's your point, caller?" |
 |
The next issue came out a mere two months later and also
comprised 40 pages, so all credit to Mr. Hendry for generating such enthusiasm.
"Carlos The Jackal", also a regular contributor, provided another good example
of how it only takes one idiot to give the majority of sensible supporters of a club a bad
name. Having got hold of a copy of the Rangers fanzine, "Follow, Follow"
(presumably in the same way that Mr. Angry of Ibrox had come by his copy of The
Web), Carlos immediately latched onto an article entitled "50 Ways To
Tell If You're A Real Ranger". Amongst the gems to be found in the two full pages
were reasons like, "You wanted Inter Milan to win the 1967 European Cup",
"You gave away the green Fruit Pastilles & Opal Fruits" and "Your dad
asked your sister's boyfriend, 'What school do you go to?'." As Carlos summed up,
" 'You are a bigoted Neanderthal' would have saved the guy a lot of time, effort and
space." |
 |
Issue 83 was now up to £1, and there had been a 10
month gap to enable Derek Hendry to assemble sufficient material to fill the 40 pages.
Your extra 20p also purchased you a free gift. Earlier in the season, Albion
"Dirty" Rovers had had 4 players sent off at Hampden in a league game. Now, with
Queen's about to journey to Coatbridge, there was an indispensable red card to enable
discerning fans to wave to the Rover's players as they took to the field (went down a
treat on the day too!). Derek also decided that he couldn't let the issue slip into
obscurity without mentioning the passing of Hugh McCann. "I thought that I would
point out some of his good points and some of the achievements he made while in charge at
Hampden, but I am struggling to write them on the back of a postage stamp! One was to
resign (or did he?), and the only other was to call referee Sandy Roy a cheat." And
here was me thinking that Martin Harvey was blunt! |
 |
By the time that this last (to date!) issue had
appeared, over a year had elapsed. Graeme Elder had found that the job of coach, on top of
playing and full time work commitments, was too much and the new man in charge was John
'Cowboy' McCormack. Top scorer Scott Edgar's opinion, as shown on the cover, was that
"he's mad." Still, "Carlos The Jackal" was still about and was showing
that he was more than capable of assuming the mantle previously held by "The
Sharpened Stud". This time his objects of desire (not) were Alloa whom he
congratulated on their promotion only because we wouldn't have to play them again for at
least a season. Some of the reasons for his waspish demeanour follow: "Steve Ramsay
head-butting Jim Mercer from behind", "The Alloa bench gesticulating to the
Queen's bench when they scored", "Their moronic fans assaulting and spitting on
two Q.P. fans" and "Their fans disgusting racial abuse of Brian McPhee".
As the writer pointed out, it wasn't a case of sour grapes because we had beaten
them twice that season. However, lest anyone remained in doubt as to the extent of his
contempt for them, he quickly added, "I hope they soon go out of business". |
And so, on that most positive of notes, ends the tale of The
Web. They think it's all over now, but is it really? After all, at the time
of writing, it's only been 2 years since the last issue so watch this space!
EDITORIAL ROLE OF HONOUR
EDITOR |
THE WEB |
OFF THE BALL |
| Hector Cook |
Issues 1-14 |
Nos. 1-3 |
| Alan Walker |
Issues 15-17 |
No. 4 |
| Iain Campbell |
Issues 18-53 |
Nos. 5-8 |
| Alan Rhodes |
Issues 54-64 |
- |
| Martin Harvey |
Issues 65-69 |
- |
| Joseph Beaver |
Issues 70-72 |
- |
| David Martin |
Issues 73-78 |
- |
| Derek Hendry |
Issues 79-84 |
- |
|
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