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The fourth season of The Web
bore what at first seemed an unusual choice for a cover. Sitting by his cardboard boxes
was a street dweller in a classic "any spare change mister?" pose. However,
closer scrutiny revealed that it was none other than Keith McAllister, and looking none
too well either. How the mighty had fallen. During the close season there had been other
changes too. A 50% price hike to 30p was immediately noticeable, but few begrudged the
extra revenue going to assist the QPSA coffers. Perhaps it might even help get McAllister
off the streets? Inside, there was a nice letter from Lou Crawley (Gerry's dad) who was
writing to thank everyone at Hampden for the encouragement they had given his son during
his spell with us. In particular he congratulated the patrons of the Centre Stand. On the
odd occasion that Gerry had a bad miss in front of goal, instead of the usual "you
stupid ba****d" that Lou was used to hearing elsewhere, he observed that "Oh,
you silly boy" was about as bad as it got. Oh the times they are a changing! |
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Purchasers of issue 22 immediately noticed another
change. The stiff cover had gone to be replaced a glossy flimsy one, so no more creases
when you folded it into your pocket! There were also an extra four pages. Things were
indeed looking up. David Tate had written to the Editor bemoaning the fact that "my
friends and colleagues are beginning to doubt my sanity". No change there then.
Gregor "Horlicks" Hall was pictured asleep in a chair. No change there then. The
Sharpened Stud was on his high horse about the lack of press coverage afforded to the
lower divisions whilst Jim McCreery was pleading for more articles on ALL our teams. No
change there then either. Editor Iain Campbell introduced readers to the new QP anthem,
and even provided the lyrics. It was called "Enjoy Yourself"! |
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The big news in the first issue of 1984 was that somehow
The Web had managed to obtain a leaked copy of a letter from
Willie Waddell of Rangars (sic) F.C. to one William King of The Lodge in G51. Apparently
Billy had been unsuccessful in his application for the vacant Rangars manager's job, and
it was Willie's job to inform him. An excerpt from the letter explained why. "Your
plan to defeat Celtic by machine-gunning their squad as they leave the tunnel is felt to
be impractical as there is nobody on the staff who can shoot straight. Also, your plan
concerning the Pope, two naked nuns and an Exocet missile is quite beyond the pale."
Mark Fishman re-launched the great "should Queen's turn pro?" debate by listing
an entire team of former players with other clubs whom he felt could be enticed back to
Hampden if wages could be paid to them. It wasn't the first time that the thought had
crossed someone's mind, nor would it be the last. |
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The previous issue had also carried a feature on the
official club programme and its Editor, Forrest Robertson, had been invited to respond to
some of the criticism aimed at it. Although Hector Cook had congratulated Forrest
"for picking up the pieces after Frank Campbell's departure", he had taken
Forrest to task about the Team Check page which often included players who were known to
be unavailable through injury, and it was suggested that a little more thought go into the
prediction. Regrettably, Forrest chose to interpret Hector's remarks as personal criticism
on the grounds that Hector hadn't been the one who was asked to replace Frank. However, he
did agree that The Web was "a very important item,
especially for a club like Queen's Park," although he felt that "the band of
contributors is too narrow and could effectively be termed 'the supporters' bus
writers'." This was always a problem throughout the years of The Web's
existence as too often it was the same contributors who appeared each month. |
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For the silver jubilee edition, no expense was spared
and readers were treated to a glorious 36 pages. The old Off The Ball
trick of gratuitously obtaining a signed photo from a celebrity with best wishes to QPSA
was repeated here, although Tracey Ullman was hardly "the babe" that many might
have hoped for! Colin Stewart had obviously been peering into his crystal ball as he
suggested that referees "should be given every assistance by his linesmen, who are
after all qualified referees, and well able to interpret the laws of the game."
Hector Cook must have had a glance at it too for his suggestion that "former players
be allowed to return to Hampden on signing a declaration of amateurism." Shame it
took so long for both ideas to catch on! Finally, Horlix managed to take up most of
a page gloating about having been down to Old Trafford to see his beloved United beat
Arsenal, although it was surprising to see a racist "snigger" from him as a P.S.
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The first issue of the new season revealed that you were
still paying 30p for your 24 pages- inflation busting or what? "Henry Jones"
(QPSA's answer to William Hickey) was back to bring you all the latest gossip and a fine
crop they were too. Garry "No Hair" Templeman claimed his girlfriend was only 20
but those who remembered her as being in Stewart Hendry's class at school weren't so sure.
Talking of The Vicar, this month saw the 25th anniversary of the death of his tailor. John
"Romping" Richmond was busy promoting his new single "How Sweet To Be An
Idiot", whilst rumours abounded in Hollywood that Myra Sneddon was to play the lead
in a new film about Marilyn Monroe! The Stacey brothers, Ricky & Eric, were at Hampden
together to jointly receive the "Hampden Hairless" 1984 award. In a moving
ceremony, a tearful Barry Haniford handed over the toupee which he was forced to
relinquish after winning it himself for 5 years on the trot. |
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Perhaps the passage of time was mellowing The Stud, or
maybe his pen just needed sharpening? In any event, by his normal standards, this was
mild-mannered stuff but none the less readable for it. Focus of attention this month was
news of three former players. Tony Glavin had returned home briefly during the American
six-a-side league's close-season and those who saw his bulging wallet and dolly blonde
wife could attest to the fact that life as a soccer star in St. Louis was good. Meanwhile
Falkirk's Alan Mackin had given up the game. Partick Thistle had offered the cash-strapped
Bairns £10,000 for his services, but the offer was rejected. For Alan, desperate to leave
for months, it was the final straw so he quit. Jim Gillespie had been freed by Motherwell
and had discovered a technicality which would allow him to re-join Muirend. However,
Morton stepped in at the last moment and he scored a hat trick for their reserves at
Tannadice instead. Will Queen's ever see his like again? |
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This month's main feature was an in depth interview with
Club captain, jimmy Nicholson who was enjoying one of his best season's during his 12 year
spell with Queen's. In it he stated that his interest in the Club increased each year if
anything, and his enthusiasm was easy to maintain when playing alongside the skilful
players we had in the side at that time. He noted that the main changes he had observed
since first joining were that the average age of the first team was considerably lower,
and that the supporters were now a great deal more involved in the Club than before. The
most complete player he had played with was Jimmy Rooney whilst he also rated Alan Irvine,
John McGregor and Tommy Wilson for their ability to move on and continue to be a credit to
their former club by doing so well at a higher level. Sadly Jim never fulfilled his
ambition to lead the team to promotion, but to see them win the championship during his
Presidency must have been just as fulfilling for one of the Club's greatest servants. |
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Following an earlier month's aberration, The Sharpened
Stud was back on form and laying in to anything that moved. It was wrath for Raith Rovers
who failed to impress The Stud in our two Scottish Cup ties against them that season. As
he reported......"The first game at Hampden was a sham; after their thug Urquhart was
sent off for GBH, the Ravers employed every time-wasting trick in the book. This was by
far the most dishonest display I've seen from a team this season. I could hardly believe
my eyes when I read manager Bobby Wilson's column. This game was a scandal and here's this
clown saying that with a bit of luck they could have won! I could almost weep when I read
rubbish like that. Top marks to our fans who jeered the Raith team off the park after they
won the replay at Kirkcaldy. Perhaps if more of the boredom merchants were given a regular
roasting by disgruntled fans, they would be embarrassed into changing their tactics."
If only! |
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For some time now, in reaction to Jim McCreery's earlier
pleas, the magazine had been containing full details of all the Strollers matches in those
distant pre-Scoop days. However, the man himself was generally found in attendance at
Strollers games and this was no exception. You know those annoying little geeks who butt
into an argument you're having with a friend in a pub about who scored the winner in the
1933 FA Cup Final only to tell you that you're both wrong and it was Joe Bloggs, before he
goes on to tell you the team as well? Meet David Tate's dopple-ganger! As Mr. T will tell
you, on 20th February, 1985, the Strollers beat Clyde 5-0 at Shawfield in the 2nd XI Cup
and Benny Verrecchia scored four before laying on the 5th for Ian Shearer with the
Strollers line-up being..........zzzzzzzz. Oh look it up and read it for yourselves! |
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Henry Jones had compiled another motley collection of
half truths for the Faithful's amusement but sadly, they didn't make the editor's final
cut and we had to make do with this nonsense instead........"Jim 'Pretty Boy'
McKnight releases his much talked about debut album next week. Entitled 'No Y-Fronts
Required', it will be available on the Virgin label......Alan Hutchison a.k.a. Doctor
Death has been taking his work home with him but became the victim of a practical joker
when he stopped off in the Social Club on the way home. Someone switched the Doc's pint
with his urine samples and unfortunately it was only after his fourth pint that he noticed
the difference. Raymond 'Dinky' Martin was also in the news with the announcement that he
had turned down the offer of a part in Evel Kneivel's next film, 'Mayhem In A Cambuslang
Car Park'." Oh well, it probably meant something to someone at the time. |
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As you may have noticed, the covers were becoming
increasingly unimaginative, and the new season began with the first of the "boring
player's photo" series. What? No, not the players that were boring, the photos!
Fortunately, the standard inside at least remained high and this time we were treated to a
bulging 32 page edition. The newsdesk informed us that five players had left the club
during the close season. Allan Rennie and Garry Wilson had never really recovered from
injuries whilst Gerry Bonner had been unable to make the step-up from Under-18 to 1st team
football and was discarded after only 4 appearances. Willie Watters had been out all
season after being involved in a car crash but, now that he had recovered, had signed for
Hamilton Accies. Another player who, like Willie, also never played for the first team was
Tommy Henderson from our Under-18's who had been targeted successfully by Motherwell. |
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There was a sneaky wee price hike to 40p but the first
thing that strikes you upon opening issue 33 is the name that looms up at you from the
"Letter To The Editor" page. It may have been Derek Stronach's first attempt at
journalism, but many more first attempts would follow! Student Alan Raeburn was featured
in the Supporter Profile (was he really only born on 25/8/66?) and thrilled all readers
with the knowledge that his favourite TV programmes were Sgt. Bilko (fair enough!) and
Brookside. Perhaps reflecting Alan's own interesting personality, we then learned that of
all the people in the world that he would most like to meet, Sandy Lyle topped the list.
Still, at least he named Rangers as his most disliked team. |
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Andy Cameron would never come top of the list of people
you most admire and yet, for a brief period, he was numero uno as far as The Sharpened
Stud was concerned. "I can't go his funny accent, or the way that he continually
plays with his specs, but his stand at the recent Rangers AGM was a bold and courageous
one. Asking that Rangers should sign anyone good enough irrespective of religion, he was
booed and cornered after the meeting by the likes of Angry of Larkhall and Brain Donor of
Bridgeton. He asked one particularly bitter gent whether he believed that a man's
footballing ability depended on his religion. Needless to say, Mr. Bluenose was convinced
that this was a telling factor. Given Rangers' recent slump and the fact that they had
just been turned out of Europe by eleven unknown Spanish tims, the man may well be
right." The Stud also took care to sign off his article with the necessary
disclaimer, "not a tim"! |
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Readers this month were greeted (if that is the right
word in the circumstances) that Jimmy Nicholson had been forced to hang up his boots at
the end of 1985 because of a serious ankle injury sustained against Dunfermline in the
third league game of the season. Sadly it had failed to heal properly and a specialist
advised him to give up the game he loved so much to avoid suffering permanent damage. A
special feature disclosed that Jimmy had been "currently involved in a coaching
course at Largs and that he hoped to continue his involvement with Queen's, initially with
The Victoria (Under-18's) XI for whom his younger brother Alan plays." Although a sad
loss to the playing side of the club (in his last game we defeated Dunfermline 3-1), he
has since been as good a servant off the field as he was on it. |
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This was indeed an unfortunate cover because it soon
became all too apparent that Editor Iain Campbell had been suffering from a dose of
"premature relegation"; a condition that effects Toryglen dwellers who become
over excited at the thought of the resumption of derby games. Regrettably his bubble burst
(so as to speak) when they signed Steve McQueen and staged "The Great Escape" as
both Ayr and Alloa flung in the towel. Inside, now growing in confidence, Derek Stronach
took on the entire readership of The Web in another "Letter
To The Editor" when he whinged, "I've taken the time to write this article -
surely everybody this year can find the time to do the same." Surely it's only a
matter of time before Derek comes out of hibernation to grace the pages of this site's
message board? |
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There was plenty of optimism for the new season as, the
last time that we had won the Dusseldof tournament, the championship had followed. Just
seeing the lads with some silverware, no matter where it is won, always brings a little
tear to the eye! Inside there was cause for another tear or two. Dave McNeil was hanging
up his camera after 12 years of covering matches for The South Side News. Jack Scrimgeour
would now pick up his mantle. We were also reminded of the quirky nature of our
supporters. Mark Smith had won the 2nd Division Player Of The Year Award (voted for by
professionals remember!), and yet it was Jimmy Boyle, Stevie Ross, Kenny Brannigan &
Willie Cairns who picked up the four trophies (2 x QPSA, Spider & Club) awarded at
Hampden. Forrest Robertson had chucked in the towel as programme editor at very short
notice, and Bill Sutherland was taking over. Amidst all this change, at least readers of The
Web could sleep soundly knowing that Iain Campbell wouldn't readily desert
his post. |
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Alick Milne was tempted out of retirement to produce a
one-off cover. Simplistic by his usual standards, it delighfully illustrated some long
held West of Scotland beliefs. There were some well researched pen-pics of our latest
signings which told us what kind of players Paul Armstrong, Brian Barr, Craig Coutts,
Graeme Elder, Keith Mackenzie, John O'Brien & Paul O'Brien were before joining us. Say
what you like about Eddie Hunter, he knew good players when he spotted them. How many
other coaches could pluck 7 players from obscurity and turn 5 of them into first team
regulars within a matter of weeks? There was also a cracking walk down memory lane with
Keith McAllister who recalled season 1971/72 as the one where a fan organised a petition
to persuade the Match Committee to recall the out of favour Alf Stamp & Malky Mackay.
Hard to believe isn't it? Less than 30 years ago, the team was picked by a Committee! |
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Justin Jest allowed us to peer into his crystal ball.
Highlight of his zany world is the revelation that John Lambie has apparently seen the
ghosts of Bill Shankly, Jock Stein and Jimmy Sanderson on a see-saw at his local park.
Sanderson, naturally enough, is the one sitting in the middle! Moving swiftly on, Henry
Jones continued the theme of mirth and merriment with a question which was aimed primarily
at match-day patrons of the Hampden Social Club when he asked them, "What is the
quickest way to get served at the bar? Answer - "Become a football referee."
Actually, that one was probably too true to be funny. Elsewhere, there was also brief
mention of Kenny Brannigan who had been seen at Hampden cheering on the boys against
Alloa. For those whose memories can't go back that far, Kenny was a Sheffield Wednesday
player at the time, although he had just returned from a loan spell with Stockport County.
And still going strong today! |
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Just to show that subtlety spread itself evenly within
the McAllister family, Neil had contributed an article who's opening line read,
"Nobody can have failed to notice what a greedy bastard Mo Johnston is." He
could also match big brother for humour on occasion too. How many readers would have
spotted the pun in this later sentence had he not drawn it to their attention afterwards.
"The selling of Fulham's ground to build flats received maximum exposure, but how
long had the press known about this plot?" See, it was so clever that some of you are
still trying to solve it! Derek Stronach was griping again, but I'm running out of room so
I can't tell you about it.........emm, other than it was about English bias on Saturday
lunchtime TV soccer shows and Jimmy Greaves going on about Scots living in Jockland and
wanting to "get those English idiots off our screens".......sorry Derek but
look, here comes the end of the page. Maybe next time? Honest. No really, I
promise........ (It's okay folks, you can come out now, he's gone!) |
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