By Harley Quin
June 25 2005

We got up this morning in hope rather than expectation, unfortunately expectation prevailed. Anyone who thinks they know about rugby surely wouldn't have put a penny on Woodward's team beating the All Blacks. At last Woodward has been found wanting and the sooner he gets off to footie the better.

TCUP my arse!

The Lions have looked mediocre at best on the tour so far but, with the team the rugby knight picked, this was always going to be a (k)nightmare for the away supporters. I never thought I would see a hooker play so badly that I'd wish Banjo was on the pitch but I actually cheered Thompson as he entered the fray in place of Byrne. I've come up with a list of things I'd like Byrne to consider doing (at 8:10 our time) on the next two Saturday's so he never ever graces the Test Match arena with the Lions again:

• wash his mullet
• cut his mullet
• rent out his mullet to a 70's glam rock convention
• watch the game on TV with Henson, Thompson and Ben Kay back at the hotel
• get stuck in to the most complex sudoku puzzle possible
• drink a few too many sherberts at lunchtime and fall asleep.

One of those will be enough but if he wants to undertake all six ideas who am I to stop him.

Rumour has it that Byrne and Thompson had a game of darts recently and it took 350 throws between them to get down from 501.

What is it about Ben Kay? He was useless in the World Cup, useless in the Six Nations, useless for Leicester and still he gets picked ahead of Grewcock. I see Danny has been cited for biting. That's clearly a sign from the All Black's camp that they are afraid of him playing. The Lions need Grewcock for his hardness and uncompromising style of play. We don't need these girly-type forwards like Kay prancing around like a pair of frilly knickers we need the likes of DG getting in where it hurts and letting a few of the NZ forwards know what pain feels like.

Losing O'Driscoll could be a blessing in disguise for the likeable Irishman. He's played mainly crap so far and now he'll not have to be the captain of a Lions' Test side which got thrashed 3-0. The worry for me is the loss of BOD is likely to see the return of Henson. Now fair play to the Welsh bloke, he was good with the Muppets and his voice for Kermit was so good it actually sounded like Kermit. However, a Test level centre he is not. A cocky, preening, over-hyped glamour-puss he is and if this was a tour to find the best "cocky, preening, over-hyped glamour-puss" he'd be the first name on my team sheet - in fact, if I could choose him in all 15 positions I would. The All Blacks must be rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of making a right old monkey out of the Pride of Wales.

Now I know I know a lot about rugby. Do you know how I know I know a lot about rugby? Easy, the bloke who coached England to the World Cup picked Jason Robinson at full-back and I wouldn't have picked him! Simple really. I've not seen a bloke look so fearful before a big contest since Frank Bruno foolishly climbed in to the ring (the first time) with Mike Tyson. I heard the commentator say something about Woodward clearly not picking the team on form yet I remember a time when Woodward (was at the RFU) said he would always pick on form and if that meant upsetting the status quo then so be it. On the basis of this morning, if he wanted to upset the status quo he might as well have picked Francis Rossi and Rick Parfitt so we could have rocked all over the world rather than watch our team go down, down, deeper and down!

While I'm talking about losing... thank God Henman got knocked out of Wimbledon early to save us from all that "Come on Tim" nonsense. The bloke will never win Wimbledon (or any other Grand Slam for that matter) as long as he's got a hole in his ear. When tournaments are being won by talented blokes aged from 18 to 24, how could a 30 year-old no-hoper win? Clearly everyone who follows Wimbledon know sod-all about sport and how the rules work. It's simple really: the good players usually win and no-hopers sometimes play above their potential but, to keep order, always choke when it matters. Thank God Henman stuck to the rules.

Ashley Rowden - I was skulking around the fringes of the excellent Reftalk night in which Mr Rowden entertained us all for a couple of hours. Ash was witty, a very good speaker and as controversial off the field as he is on it. I admire the fact that he doesn't just think he is right all the time, he "knows" it! However I think he got himself tangled up in a debate about why he is reluctant to give penalties in crucial games because his decision could result in a lost Cup semi-final or relegation from the Premiership. For those of you who didn't attend the event, Ashley commented that he may not make the same decision in important games as he would in less important games. Personally I think this is wrong. Rugby is a technical game based on laws and on that basis there is no subjectivity: something is either legal or illegal.

Now before I go there is one other item I must touch upon. U2 and their very own "cocky, preening, over-hyped glamour-puss", Bono.

The U2 concert at Ashton Gate will see prices at £150 to sit and £80 to stand. Here we have a bloke leading this group, with more money than they need, going around the world telling leaders to cancel the debt of Third World countries whilst charging so much money to see his concerts. Hypercritical or what? In my opinion (and it's not humble either) charging more than £35 for a ticket to see a band for 2 hours is extortion, particularly when that band hasn't produced anything of real note since their 1987 album The Joshua Tree!

See you soon.