By Harley Quin
June 11 2005

Many of you who used to enjoy reading ERE back in the 90's will remember an old whinger called Harley Quin; a man who had something to say about everything, and not a lot of it very kind about the people he picked on. We've contacted the old man, let's see what he has to say on various matters.

 

Hello there fellow rugby fans, it's good to be back in my rightful place as "The True Voice of Rugby". Forget all others who claim this crown, I am the genuine article(sic)! During the summer I have been promised a spot on the front page of ERE through which I can vent my spleen about rugby and other activities which catch my eye. I'm sure some of you will nod sagely at my wise words whilst others will disagree with my comments: to be honest, I couldn't give a toss what anyone else thinks because I know I'm always right!

The Lions

Having watched the Lions get totally outplayed by an average looking New Zealand Maori team I've come to the conclusion that there should be only one Welshman in the Test team and that's the little scrum-half Dwayne "Orange" Peel. It's not that he's any good mind you, it's so I don't have to watch Dawson dart around the pitch like a crab on heat. If I see him go sideways once more I think I'll start referring to him as Ray Wilkins!

Whilst I'm having a bit of Welsh bashing tell me, how in God's name did Gethin Jenkins get on the plane to the land of the long faced crowd? I see he's gathered some 30 odd caps for Wales, which really goes to show how poor the rest of Europe is at present if a team he's in wins the Six Nations. And Stephen Jones, what's he all about? All right I accept he has a lovely turn of phrase when writing about rugby and he's been very supportive of Bath in the press for some 20 years but his kicking out of hand is poor, he lacks any penetration and I've seen more invention in the Tory party than he's produced so far. With Ronan O'Gara playing like a Bristolian during their relegation year young Jonny must be sat in the comfort of his hotel room enjoying his two rivals playing themselves out of contention.

Michael Owen looks bigger than I remember last time I looked and perhaps that's why he moved from footie to rugby now he's fully grown. He's not made much impact has he, perhaps he's waiting to be supplied with some "through balls" from Beckham? Martyn Williams looked lightweight and I never thought I'd hear myself calling for the return of Neil Back. How can you bring me to this Mr Williams? Neil Back has been a hate figure for many of us for over a decade and to dream of him turning out for the Lions can only be a nightmare.

I think Sir Clive of India has real problems ahead of him and all his clever management slipperiness will not save him from defeat and possible humiliation this time. He could ask for all the off-field support in the world to help him out but the simple fact is he's managed to pick a squad of mainly average players with a couple of star names who may or may not perform to their best. Losing Dallaglio will, I think, turn out to be the greatest loss of this tour. He may be just one man but, without Martin Johnson, Clivey has lost the only true Colossus available to him.

I hope I'm wrong but I think the Lions will go down 3-0.

Young Hopefuls

I see we have the new Tim Henman thrust before us last week in the guise of one 18 year-old Andrew Murray. Well he's already followed in Tiger Tim's miniscule footsteps by losing gloriously with the whole of the BBC Sport's Department gasping and groaning as each cramp spasm jolted the young lad to the floor. "How far can he go?" the reporter asked his fellow pundits. "As far as he likes." said one. Thankfully the bloke who had just beaten him told it as he saw it, "Top 50, maybe?" And to put things really in to perspective let's not lose sight of a 19 year-old, Rafael Nadal, who didn't lose gloriously: instead he won the French Open after having beaten the world number one, Roger Federer in the semi-finals. Now there is a young hopeful!

Honours

I see the honours list has been produced and it's as ridiculous as ever.

What's Jonathan Ross done to deserve being honoured? If you call his foul-mouthed humour worthy of an honour why not go the whole hog and make him a Life Peer? He could then prance around in his ermine robes (even if he couldn't pronounce them) "peering" at gay blokes and women in short skirts for the rest of his life.

Terry Wogan, what's he done to deserve a Knighthood? In recognition of his services to broadcasting, why? It's not as though he'd broadcast to the country for free is it. Mind you if I had to attend all those Children in Need shows and the Eurovision stuff I'd demand a gong as well. On second thoughts, "Arise Sir Tel!"

Of course to add balance we have a lollipop lady getting the most junior of medals.

The whole thing is utter madness and should be scrapped forthwith. If it's not to be scrapped then I'd like a CBE please as it seems to be a fairly important award.

See you soon.