By Rupes
February 12 2006

From dictionary.com - chaos : 1. A condition or place of great disorder or confusion. 2. A disorderly mass; a jumble: e.g the pitch was a chaos of mud, some players playing no better than Old Lyonians 8th XV and our visitors, Bath Rugby. And so it came to pass that the DoR was sacked 4 days before the game; would Saracens’ Men in Black come out firing on all cylinders or continue to perform in the wasteful manner of previous weeks? There was much tension in the stadium before the game, a crowd waiting for a win but seasoned in the art of following Sarries and hence knowing anything could, and probably would, happen.

Personally, I blame Ash. It was he who was in charge of our (until today) worst performance in the professional era (away at Quins for those who wish to be reminded) and it was he in charge today when we played at the standard of Old Lyonians 8th XV (on a bad day) for the entire first 40 minutes. The man’s a jinx, obviously. I can only conclude that Hatfield (the town in which we train during the week) exists in some sort of biosphere where it never rains, there is only ever glorious sunshine – if maybe a tad chilly. The reason for this conclusion is that, in the real world where it does rain (yes, even on the Hertfordshire Riviera), we coughed up knock-on after knock-on, managed to give a wonderful demonstration of how not to move forward with the ball and basically looked like the aforementioned chaotic jumble. Wet weather rugby it was not.

To give Bath credit – they seemed to handle the ball without problem (in the main), they ran straight lines at pace, knew what they were trying to achieve and executed it with no problem whatsoever. All I would caution to their supporters is what they were playing against – Watford Girl Guides (4th Brigade) would have scored 4 tries in the first half, Sarries were that bad.

The scores came from all over the place, mainly from quick ball after Sarries’ errors. Try number 1 from Frikke Welsh (quick ball following Jackson knock-on), number 2 from James Hudson (kick through following loss of control at scrum time), number 3 from David Bory (we’ll come back to that in a minute) and number 4 for the Bonus Point from Alex Crockett (injured Vyvyan – why was he still on the pitch? – knocked on 40m out, 2 phases, players queing up to score). Bath didn’t really have to create much, they sat back, defended well and waited for the errors – then took full advantage of them. 31-3 to the visitors at half time was the depressing, but not undeserved, scoreline.

Jimmy Greaves would have loved the game today, regardless of his rugby knowledge (I don’t know, he may be a student of the game) as he would then have said, without any irony, “it’s a game of two halves”. And it was. At half time, I have not a clue what was said in that home dressing room, but something was. To start with, the cavalry turned up – Cairnsy, Cobus and Dan Harris. “Why did they not start” I hear you cry? Your reporter would love to know the answer.

In the first minute of the half, Steffon Armitage knocked-on over the line. Then, the Bath scrum started to retreat at a rate of knots. Finally, Ash and Cobus were seen discussing how best to scrummage – they DO like a chat to each other – and so we knew that normal service may be on the way back. Not a bit of it. Kyran also came on – looking like he meant business and appearing to inspire all around him. Fortunately, on 48 minutes, Malone’s chargedown of Glenda’s kick didn’t lead to another score for Bath, his knock-on (got the theme yet?) giving us a chance to clear. And then the fun started, chaos restored.

53 minutes – a penalty try to Sarries; 10m drive in the scrum, Bath stood up, Ash went to the posts.
57 minutes – Flats binned for what I assume was a technical offence.
58 minutes – Feaunati binned, not a clue what for, wasn’t watching.
59 minutes – Sarries awarded another penalty try. All of a sudden, stone me with a set of large rocks if it isn’t 17-31 and we’ve got 20 minutes of this knockabout stuff still to go.

At this point, one should also mention that Bath were totally professional whilst the binnings were in force and slowed the game down brilliantly, just as any other streetwise side would have done. Fair play to them, they did it very well. But back to the fun…

68 – 70 minutes – Bath under immense pressure, a Malone clearing kick gave Sarries a line out on the Bath 22. A 20m rolling maul later, couple of phases and Steffon Armitage reached over to score a debut try and make it 22-31. The excitement knew no bounds in the Lower Rous (that’s a lie by the way).
73 minutes – Chris Malone spoils the fun by scoring a penalty for Bath, 22-34.
78 minutes – Sarries get a penalty for holding on, kick to the corner (wonderful, deliberate slice Glen). Having had the first 15 man rolling maul of the season, the backs (and a couple of forwards) then took the sensible option and retired a few metres to wait for a pass. Come forward Mr Armitage (again) to score your 2nd try, the side’s 4th and to give us 2 valuable points.

It comes to something when the highlight of the first half was the opposition’s 3rd try – whether Ash was rolling on the floor laughing at the general standard of our play or whether he had fallen arse over tit whilst trying to award the try is debatable, but to blow the whistle whilst flat on his back AND giving the correct signal (one arm remained in the air throughout) was commendable. Ash, hopefully you will have been given extra marks for artistic impression. However, take those extra marks off for wearing PINK in the second half (and don’t claim it’s red, either!).

Whilst the comeback was exciting (but not exciting enough to launch into that wretched 5 minute mayhem – with only 4 mins and 20 seconds remaining – but I guess “Domino’s 4 minutes and 20 seconds Mayhem" doesn’t have the same ring to it), it should not overshadow the fact that the first half was as bad as, if not worse than, the Harlequins debacle. For a professional side to play 40 minutes like that was embarrassing in the extreme and, in the situation we find ourselves, any more performances like that will see us 12th come end of play on May 6th.

A bizarre afternoon, one filled with desperation, chaos, a tad of excitement and rugby at both ends of the evolutionary spectrum. 2 points gained, a loss, 8 tries (including 2 penalty tries), a rise in the league table to 9th. Just another normal afternoon at Sarries…