By Rabble Rouser
March 9 2003

Floozies, Boozers, Fezboys and Loozers! There are many conspiracy theorists in our much beloved game rugby union football and I've just become one of them. Read on to find out what I'm on about. From results to bonus points, relegation cover-ups to the England selectors constantly overlooking talent purely because they play for Gloucester, there is always someone accusing someone else of skulduggery.

This latest theory of mine surrounds an organisation no less powerful than the one that runs our great game: The International Rugby Board. Now, before any lawyers out there think that they can hear the cash register go "cha-ching!" I hasten to add that this particular conspiracy theory will not surround any alleged financial or political wrongdoing by the IRB. So put that Sandals brochure back in the cupboard and listen up!

The theory surrounds the IRB banning of something that until recently was an integral part of the game of rugby union. It isn't tactical substitutions. Nor is it the aberration that is the three-point drop goal (though I wish it were). It isn't even the consignment to the dustbin of history of those silly neoprene mitts that players have deemed so indispensable recently (see my views on drop goals for my opinion). So what is it all about, I hear you ask.

OK, for those of you old enough to remember, have a think about what the following players have in common: Gerald Davies, Steve Fenwick, Tommy David, Mervyn Davies, Bill Beaumont, Mike Slemen, Roy Laidlaw, Bob Norster, Dick Spring, Clive Rees, Jeff Squire and Stuart Barnes (yes, even Barnsey!). All international players, yes, but that's a little too obvious. Perhaps this list of international referees who have the same thing in common as the aforementioned players will point you in the right direction: Clive Norling, Steve Lander, Wayne Eriksson, Derek Bevan and Andre Watson.

Still stumped? Rubbing your chin, scratching your head while your grey matter ponders about precisely what this commonality actually is? The answer is - quite literally - under your nose. At least it is if you're an adult male and have run out of your supply of razors. That's right! They have all, at one point, sported moustaches during rugby matches! Now you have the answer to the somewhat bizarre pop-quiz, here comes the theory bit:

IRB - j'accuse! I accuse you of outlawing the furry caterpillar, the tash, the top lip insulation, call it what you will. When Messrs. Lander, Eriksson and Watson first became top referees, they all proudly sported facial fungus. But since then, every man jack of them has become been clean-shaven. Coincidence? I think not. I reckon the Interntional Board has taken a leaf out of Disney's book and banned the moustache!

I believe that the IRB image-makers want a claean-cut look and that those who chose to wear their hair under their conk were told to shave off or ship out, which isn't fair. But in these days of identikit bleach boys, baldies and floppy-haired fops, the good old tash - an item which distinguished so many of the players and officials listed earlier - has been forcibly, in my opinion, removed from the game. And that is nothing short of disgraceful.

It gets worse. Whatever happened to the full set? No, not what your grandmother had done down the hairdressers every pension day, but a full, proper beard. No more do we see beardy-wierdies like the Wade Dooleys and Derek Quinnells of old.

There are a few players out there nowadays with facial hair, but they are cultivated in such ways that the individuals sporting those pencil-thin, geometrically-perfect fashion statements now spend more time in front of a mirror than then entire cast of Stella McCarntney's next London show. The days of shower, shave and, er, you know what comes next are long gone. Even front row forwards now wash behind their ears and time usually spent propping up the bar, is spent pampering in the bathroom.

In my humble, hairy opinion, it's high time the good old moustache made a comeback. I'm not the only one. In a recent interview, Harlequins, England and Lions beanpole Will Greenwood said that he wants to improve the fun factor in the England camp by getting the backs to grow moustaches. Good old Shaggy. What he also should have suggested is that Johnno and the fat boys grow beards to complement the fairies. I guess he wimped out after one of the heavy brigade suggested he kept his nose out of forwards' business and stick to modelling!

Never mind two-tier Six Nations conspiracy theories. Forget conspiracy theories about certain clubs allegedly pooling their resources to maintain the Zurich Premiership status quo. Dispense with the notion that Clive Woodward overlooks so many Shedheads purely because the pages containing towns west of Oxford and north of Chepstow have been torn out of his road atlas. There is a much more serious and sinister force at work. I - and I'm sure many of you out there too - want to know where the missing moustaches have gone!