By Stopsy
April 25 2003

My eyes have been opened, we are the worst, low down, dirty, rotten, stinking bunch of cheats that has ever disgraced the name of Rugby. Over the season I have been researching why it is we win and why it is we lose and I have come to the startling observation that we cannot win without cheating and more to the point, when we don’t cheat, we lose!

The evidence for this is compelling. Visit the web sites of our opponents after a game and it stares you in the face. When we win, we have cheated from start to finish (and probably before and after the match as well). When we lose however, we only cheat a few times during the match.

It doesn’t end there either. According to one set of fans, cheating has become institutionalised in Leicester, we teach it in the academy teams. Another set of fans consider that we have elevated cheating to an art form. Not only that, all of our cheating is of the sneaky gamesmanship style and we are fully deserving of being punched, kicked, raked (these latter actions are obviously not cheating unless committed by a player in red, green and white). Punching, kicking and stamping on players wearing Tigers kit is actually a manly occupation in a tough old game.

Worse still, all the referees pander to our cheating ways and ignore the multiple obvious contravention of the laws committed by Leicester while penalising petty technical offences or the above mentioned just retributions. Leicester obviously bribe the referees as well.

To prove this, the Daily Mail (no I don’t read it or look at the pictures) has done a fairplay chart, based on 5 points for a red card and 2 points for a yellow.

Here's the league table:

Gloucester.................................46 pts
Bristol........................................45
Saints........................................42
Bath...........................................41
Sharks.......................................33
Wasps.......................................30
Saracens...................................28
Leicester....................................28
Quins.........................................28
Newcastle..................................27
Leeds.........................................26
Irish...........................................25

Most cards by individuals? Archer 6, Tiatia 6 and Grewcock 4.

As everyone knows, we cheat more than any other team, so the referees must be biased in our favour, either that or we cleverly organise our cheating on a rota basis so that no one player attracts a card.
So what is the point of this drivel? Please can we reinstate the cheating coach from the previous 4 seasons, he’s not been with us enough this season.