By ChrisC
February 24 2014
Bored and with nothing much to do I seized the opportunity to escape the office to make a delivery.
I had to use a hired van so devised a plan – a sort of “man with a van and a plan”.
Ignoring my mother’s hard wired warning from my childhood; not to try and “work a fast one” I hired not from the usual West End branch but the one in my Essex home town which meant an early start and early return in good time for a dinner planned for that evening with relatives visiting from a village not far from Gosforth.
I set off as planned airily waving away my then wife’s threats of dire circumstances were I to be late home. Having collected the goods I headed for Buckinghamshire. Before long the earlier drizzle had turned to sleet and as I struggled through the London traffic all too soon it was lunch time.
No break for me though as already that little doubt as to the efficacy of my plan was forming. I broke free of the metropolis into the leafy suburbs and sighed with relief as there was not far to go and then, with the sleet now turned to snow, traffic once again ground to a halt. I sat and fumed as I crawled along stirring the gearbox and the doubts returned. I consulted the map and saw an alternative route on minor roads – salvation was at hand and, like a rat down a drainpipe, off I set.
This was more like it, the road was busy but progress was swift until, as I swooped under a railway bridge, the van stopped! The van juddered briefly and the engine stalled. Clutch maybe? Nope I was stuck fast under the narrow bridge. Traffic from both directions slewed to a halt and a vehicular minuet started as drivers, realising my predicament, made attempts to turn back. Soon the police arrived and shaking their heads at me retreated to their car and called for the RAC.
The patrolman shook his head in unison with the police – it was starting to look like an impromptu rock concert in that snowy lane. My van was attached by a stout tow rope to the RAC vehicle and the pulling started but to no avail.
In an automobile themed version of Bernard Cribbins’ “Right Said Fred” it was decided that the air would have to be expelled from the van’s tyres to reduce its height. Now with four flat tyres the pulling resumed but again without success.
By now I was achieving notoriety as so severe had the traffic jam surrounding my location become that the nearby trunk road had also become blocked and Radio Two was announcing that drivers should avoid the now gridlocked area.
A second RAC van arrived and the new arrival joined with his colleague and the occupants of the three police cars who had now joined in the merriment in the expanded audience of the rock concert. I half expected a burger van and souvenir tee shirts stall to arrive. The consensus of the uniformed brains’ trust was that the wheels would have to be removed and the van towed out on trolley jacks.
It worked! The road was opened, the wheels were refitted and inflated and I made my delivery at 6pm, arriving home just in time to see my wife and friends as they left the restaurant – it was a quiet few days in our house and when I told my mother she shook her head – I never knew she liked rock!
This weekend Tigers will be rocking up to the north east having already extended a warm welcome to the charges of their erstwhile Director of Rugby; Dean Richards when they visited Welford Road in round three and were sent home with a flea in their collective ear on the back of a 31 point to 6 defeat.
Last weekend Tigers produced an improved performance in their three try victory down in Reading while denying London Irish the solace of a try of their own, all their points coming from the boots of O’Connor and Humphreys.
On the same day the Falcons fought back from a 6 point to 19 half time deficit to finish with a losing bonus point from the eventual 16 point to 22 point loss against a depleted Northampton Saints.
Noah Cato snaffled an interception try which was just the eighth time Falcons have crossed the whitewash in this year’s Premiership but in the process conceded their thirty-sixth, thirty-seventh and thirty-eighth as Saints ran in three tries of their own. No other club has scored fewer tries than Newcastle and only Championship bound Worcester have conceded more.
With the Six Nations taking another week off Tigers may see Tom Youngs again released to get the game time denied him by England and if so he’ll be a welcome addition to the visitors’ match day squad and, I think, a certainty to start. Similarly Falcons’ ex Gloucester hooker and current Scotland international Scott Lawson should be available to make the confrontation between the hookers an all international affair.
Youngs will probably be aided and abetted by Mulipola and Ayerza in a tripartite attempt to continue marmalising opposition front rows.
Barnsley born veteran Rob Vickers has appeared in every Premiership match for Newcastle this season and started in all but two of them. That’s some pretty heavy lifting for the thirty-two year old prop and sometime hooker. Dean Richards did sign Italian; Franck Montanella from the relegated London Welsh but he’s not started in the Premiership since the end of September so it seems as if Vickers will again be on the loose-head for the hosts.
On the loose-head for Tigers will be Marcos Ayerza who’ll probably be glaring at either Kieran Brookes, who’ll doubtless be remembering all those scrummaging sessions at Oval Park, or Oliver Tomaszczyk who’ll also have an unhappy memory of trotting on for Worcester at Sixways in the 2011 Christmas fixture against Tigers only to promptly trot off again with a yellow card. My guess is it’ll be Brookes to face the mincing machine – at least he’ll know what’s coming!
At lock; skipper for the day; Ed Slater, free of the clutches of England, went well in forming a heavyweight partnership with Louis Deacon and, in cahoots with Jamie Gibson, made a bit of a mess of the usually reliable Irish pack at the line out, which was both destroyed at scrum time and unable to get it’s rolling maul working. Hard to see a reason for disrupting the starting partnership but if fit Kitchener would make a good impact substitute later on when his galloping athleticism would be at its most destructive.
Another veteran in the Falcons’ ranks is Scott Macleod, the ex Reivers, Scarlets, Edinburgh and Kobelco Steelers’ lock who’s been capped 24 times for his country and will celebrate his thirty-fifth birthday the day after Tigers roll into town.
With the enforced retirement of Italian international Carlo del Fava it looks likely to be Macleod again partnering the ex Edinburgh and Sale lock Fraser McKenzie who I rather rated when I saw him play for Steve Diamond’s outfit in what was a dreadful season for it. Hard though to see the home side gaining much set piece dominance.
Andy Saull, newly arrived at Kingston Park from Saracens in the hope of more game time than he’s had even when fit under the onslaught of players from southern Africa which saw him marginalised, hasn’t had much good fortune and was injured again in the match at the Stoop so young Will Welch stepped up again to take over on the open side as he did on eighteen occasions last season, scoring three tries in the process. Maybe not quite in the classicist Saull style but a good open side for all that and will do a good job as he’ll have to if Julian Salvi makes another start.
I thought Salvi looked weary against London Irish but that may just have been emotional fatigue from his repeatedly being penalised by hapless referees such as Mr Doyle who clearly have no idea of the laws at the breakdown, or if they do opt for such inconsistency in interpretation as to stretch the credulity of even the most sycophantic advocate of the tiresome: “no referee – no game” homily which is tritely produced whenever a match official again slumps below the most basic standards.
With the road ahead a hard one for the Tigers in general and Salvi in particular I’d be very tempted to give young Pablo Matera a start to afford him the chance to replicate his deeds of derring-do in this season’s Rugby Championship while giving Salvi a rest.
On the blindside for the hosts I expect to see young Mark Wilson renew the partnership with Welch that served so well in Newcastle’s promotion year. Wilson’s a dog over the ball and shows great awareness around the tackle area however a blow for the back row unit will be the potential absence of the superb Ally Hogg who will be sorely missed as one of the Kingston Park club’s major ball carriers and breakdown exponents. If he’s excluded then it’s probably between utility back rows Kiwi Richard Mayhew or young Chris York with my guess being York who, also being a lock, would aid the Falcons’ line out.
Jamie Gibson continues to oust the returning Steve Mafi from the Tigers’ blindside and does so on merit, so I suspect he’ll continue but it’d be good to see Mafi get a longer run out to prove his fitness as he remains one of Tigers main potential game changers.
I’m conflicted about the Jordan Crane/Thomas Waldrom conundrum. Neither are playing particularly well, although the “Roast beef – Kiwi” was unlucky to get a yellow card from Mr Doyle. I really can’t understand the lack of empathy from match officials for a player not rolling away when he has two nineteen stone players laying on top of him. Neither Crane nor Waldrom are giving Tigers the requisite go forward from the breakdown due in part to the officially inspired chaos that reigns and also due to some stolid play. On balance I’d start Waldrom but I think it’ll be Crane trundling the ball up, from the start anyway.
Pointless for me to comment on the breakdown, such a nonsense has it become. Somebody will come out on top but it’ll depend on the mind-set of the referee and who he decides to favour with his benison.
Behind the pack Dean Richards has done more tinkering with his half backs than a man in a shed with a new tool kit. I’ve counted five combinations in the Premiership and for all I know there may be more. I’ve not see them all but the eternally classy Mike Blair must surely be ahead of either Pilgrim or Fury this weekend. The ex Brive and Edinburgh scrum half is such an elegant player and has tons of experience garnered from almost half a century of caps.
The fly half gig is between Blair’s fellow Scot Godman who made his debut start with the Falcons at Welford Road at the end of September 2003 when his current guv’nor was on the other side. The next season he went off to Edinburgh until after a season with London Scottish he went back to Kingston Park.
He’s been capped eight times, the last back in the 2010 Six Nations and has the experience but I’d like to see young Rory Clegg who, after four frustrating seasons at Quins, is another who’s come home to where he got his first Premiership start in September 2008. I’ve always liked what I saw of Clegg during his time at the Stoop where he was destined to play second or even third fiddle after the arrival of the more exotic Ben Botica. There seems a good opportunity here for Richards to weld a good partnership between the experienced Blair and the rehabilitated and more attack minded Clegg.
Ben Youngs finally showed signs of a return to form with a much better performance against London Irish. He looked sharper and more focussed. Maybe seeing Toby Flood reduced to splinter gathering brought the realisation that anybody can be benched. So he should keep the shirt as should Owen Williams who looks more accomplished with every outing and if they play as they did last Sunday and with the likelihood of a dominant pack in front of them they should get the better of things, especially if Hogg is excluded and not roaring down the 9/10 channel like the Flying Scotsman.
After more tinkering in the centre I bet that Dean Richards thought the crashing might of Samoan Jamie Helleur paired with the fleet footed dynamism of Argentinian Gonzalo Tiesi, who featured in his country’s one point defeat by Australia in last season’s Rugby Championship, had solved his problems.
Now though Helleur is injured and if he remains so then the long serving ex Saracen; Adam Powell, looks likely to be preferred to Fitzpatrick. Powell is always busy as a bee and was under appreciated at Watford once the new look arrived. More subtlety than bash is Powell, he’s tricky though and could give problems if Tigers’ defence isn’t sufficiently well organised to stop him inserting himself behind the gain line.
Dan Bowden made a bravura return from injury last Sunday and played very well with some good attacking lines and a marvellous tackle on O’Connor which had the less well informed heralding this as proof positive of his defensive credentials which were not in much doubt to start with, it’s defensive organisation that’s the question with Allen absent, not Bowden’s ability to tackle. Oh dear!
Bowden doesn’t straighten the attack and change its emphasis as does Allen but brings sleight of hand to the party so even if Tony Allen is fit it’s going to be a tough call for Bowden not to retain the inside centre berth with Goneva outside him. It’s an attacking combination that could give the Falcons’ often leaky defence plenty to ponder on and may be a fecund area for Tigers, especially if Manu Tuilagi makes his much anticipated return after being injured in the reverse fixture, in which circumstance Goneva would move to the wing.
Cross code signings seem the vogue and, always at the forefront of fashion, Falcons’ have signed Lee Smith from Wakefield after the five time capped Super League winner was released to have another attempt at the senior code after a short time at Wasps, for whom he made just two appearances in the opening months of 2010, before heading back to Leeds Rhinos.
I bet Richards hopes Smith is more Steve Booth than Gareth Raynor!!
It seems most likely that Smith could be deployed at full back for his home debut and that Alex Tait would go to the wing to try out a bit of sibling rivalry with big brother Matt who looked to be back in form at Reading with some lovely footwork and better judged kicking.
If this juggling isn’t required then out wide for Falcons, with Samoan Sinoti Sinoti out of action, Richards will probably stick with Kiwi Ryan Shortland, ex of Otago, who was ever present last season making eighteen appearances and a very fast operator. As is Noah Cato, another refugee from the Voortrekkers, who found sanctuary at Northampton for a less than satisfactory season and a bit.
From a larder of fare too rich to comprehend Tigers’ wingers are somewhat depleted although Adam Thompstone is fit and causing trouble to opposition defences although one promising break last Sunday fizzled out and I was left wondering “where the hell was Allen” – he wasn’t on the field of course to wield his trusty broom in support of the marauding Thompstone.
On the other wing Blaine Scully continues to impress both in attack and defence so I expect to see him start again, Tigers making the most of him before he disappears on World Cup qualifying duty with the USA.
The question is will the bridge over the Tyne be a bridge too far for Tigers who looked to be taking some tentative steps back to form and while there’s a long way to go I think that they may have enough to sneak another win – all they’ve got to do is avoid the low bridges that Dean Richards will be directing them toward.
Quote:RichW
Tractors? This week you got vans! And bridges! And two RAC men! No pleasing some people...
Quote:ChrisCQuote:RichW
Tractors? This week you got vans! And bridges! And two RAC men! No pleasing some people...
You are so right - AND you forgot the three police cars - do I give value for money or what?

