By Rich Walker
December 19 2002

A little festive season handing out of awards to the worthy and not so by the founder member of the Ben Cohen fan club, the one and only Rich W... For Mr. T Stimpson of Leicester, England for hard work, honest endeavour, general all round good blokeyness and that kick; a new pair of tweezers to extract the splinters out of his a**e while he wastes his time warming Mr Woodward's bench.

For the aforementioned Mr. C Woodward of Twickenham, for his intrusion upon the development of club rugby, his extraordinarily naive game plan (sic), and his never-ending supply of quirky and downright lunatic comments to the press; an eight day week to facilitate all the extra training days he could ever wish for.

For Mr. I Balshaw of B**h, England; a pair of slippers for his up-coming retirement.

For the Evil Webmistress Denise, for her unstinting efforts to keep us entertained & informed; a job of her choice and a new whip.

For Ms. A Walker, (aka "The Wife"), for her ability to put up with my endless wittering, grouching and generally obsessive behaviour regarding matters rugby; a pair of industrial strength ear mufflers and a bottle of any anesthetic substance of her choice.

For Mr. M Johnson, also of Leicester, England (aoLE), for the protection of his hands against merciless assault by Scottish heads; a pair of boxing gloves. Also some of those sticky gloves that the girls in the backs (and Phil Greening) wear so he can hang on to that big silver cup - you know the one with the dents in and the wobbly base.

For the British Broadcasting Corporation, of somewhere in soccerland, for their continuous policy of ignoring Tigers, at their end of year junket; a map to Welford Rd.

For the British sports media (including the aforementioned British Broadcasting Corporation) for the fact that they can only find something to say about rugby when it's negative; a pair of blinkers. Oh no, scratch that - the irony would be wasted on them.

For Mr. Corne Krige, of somewhere in Yaarpieland, for sullying the reputation of a fine player; a pair of Marigolds and a tin of Brasso with which to polish up his tainted image. Also Mr Johnson's boxing gloves if he doesn't like them!

For Mr. J Wells aoLE; a new song, so that he receives the acknowledgment he deserves. You know - as in "unsung hero". Come on keep up!

For Mr. R Horner, of the RFU, near to Pinkginsville, Surrey, England, for his displays of media driven, self-importance; a new spine.

For Mr. J Robinson, of Sale, England, for proving to us all that he didn't just do it for the money; a new position within sight to the naked eye of the opposition goal-line, so that he has a faint chance of using his talents productively.

For Mr. N Wray of Watford, Cloud Cuckoo land; a course at the business school of his choice where he can learn that the answer to a business problem is to control your costs and concentrate on delivery rather than fixing the market. He may also like to speak to the Office of Fair Trading about Cartels and other restrictive practices.

For Mr. P Howard of "Somewhere Bumming Around the Outback"; a free ticket to Welford Rd, a new pair of boots and as much Guinness as he can drink. I know he hasn't done anything this year to deserve it but this is Pat we're talking about.

For Master O Smith aoLE; a call up to the aforementioned Mr Woodward's England team where he might actually resolve the complete absence of a quality 13 in the England set-up.

For Mr. C Chaplin of, "Somewhere in the West Country", for the extraordinary detail which he puts into his match previews - you try it if you think it's easy - free transport to any Premiership Game of his choice excluding Gloucester - well we don't want him any further exposed to false gods.

For Dr. B Venter Reading, Ireland (which in case you didn't realise is now part of Yaarpieland) for turning everyone's second favourite club into winners; a nice shiny silver cup!

For Mr. P Gustard of Reading, Ireland (see above for exact geographical details) for leaving the girlies heartbroken like the cad he is; a trip to Twickenham to hand back the aforementioned nice shiny silver cup!

For Mr. W Johnson, aoLE, for living in his brother's (albeit substantial) shadow; a new nose!

For Mike the Flanker, of "Somewhere in the West County where Rugby Players are Paragons of Virtue" to help with the opening of his second eye; a new pair of rose tinted spectacles.

For Mr. R. Andrew of Newcastle upon Tyne, near to Pinkginsville; an even bigger mouth so that there can be no chance of him missing with either foot.

For Mr. G Guscott, of the British Broadcasting Corporation, for his great generosity of spirit; a good word for anybody.

For Mr. J Wilkinson of Newcastle upon Tyne and England, for his courage, hard-work and skill; a new contract. One with a club with a chance of winning something. Oh I don't know. Say.....Leicester. Also some cotton wool in which he can be stored until next autumn.

For M. S Betsen of Grand Slam, France; for cruelly roughing up our Johnny; an introduction to that nice Mr. Krige - well don't tell me that the Bokke thought it all up on their own!

For Mssrs. P O'Brien, P Honiss, P Dickinson, W Ericsson and any other Southern Hemisphere Refs you care to name; a copy of the Laws of Rugby Football so that they can familiarise themselves with the two thirds of it which they skipped.

For Mr. B Cohen, of Northampton, England, for working so hard on his faults as to be legitimately able to claim to be the best winger in the world; a night out in Leicester!

For Mr. N Back aoLE, for ball handling skills over and above the call of duty; a night out in Cardiff!

For Mr. A Healey aoLE, for being the ultimate curate's egg of a player and providing us an inexhaustible supply of talking points; a hair cut!

For Mr. L Moody, aoLE, for providing enough hairy moments to turn me white; a crash helmet.

For Mr. M Corry aoLE, for being another one of those players continuously over looked by Mr Woodward of Twickenham; a World Cup Winners medal.

And for all members of the message board and everyone who has diverted, exercised or amused us in 2002 a very Merry Christmas and successful 2003 - even those associated with Gloucester, B**h and the BPs!