Riggersside: Summer Special


By Bill Waggledagger
July 18 2004

In an effort to annoy those waiting for the latest developments in the story, the cast of Riggersside have taken time off to present a cultural highlight, a special episode to while away the long close season. We present...

A Midsummer's Nightmare
by Bill Waggledagger

ACT 1, Scene I. The snug of The Olde Dorsal Fin

(Enter Strinesian Saleainian and CheadleEnder.)

SS: Now, CE, the awaited hour draws on apace;
    Four happy days bring in
    The first game: but O, methinks, how slow
    This close season wanes!
CE: Four days will quickly steep themselves in night;
    Four nights will quickly dream away the time;
    And then the game, like to a gladiatorial contest,
    Shall behold the night of our solemnities.

(Enter Riggersthebeer and Riggersthebaby. Riggersthebaby is carrying two rolled-up posters.)

RBEER: Morning, Strines.
SS: Wotcher, Riggers. What's up?
RBEER: Full of vexation come I, with complaint
    Against my child, my daughter Riggersthebaby.
    (Takes one of the posters from RBaby). See here, this comely portrait of Wiggy - most recently voted Young Player of the Season - that I did procure for this young ingrate to hang upon her bedroom wall. Yet she informs me that her heart is given to that upstart Griff, who came not even second in any poll. (He takes the second poster and unrolls it with some disdain.)
SS: So what do you want me to do about it?
RBEER: Can't you persuade her to see that Wiggy is much the better choice?
RBABY: But Griff is just so... (Has an attack of the vapours).
SS: I see your father's point of view. Wiggy, as a scrum half, has much more impact upon the game...
RBABY: Oh, fie! What have the subtleties of the game to do with it?

(Enter Riggerstheblonde)

RBABY: Hi, Blondie!
RBLONDE: Call you me blonde? When you have that which I crave - a picture of fair Wiggy who did bestow on me a kiss so sweet, yet pays me none other attention, much though I seek it?
RBABY: His folly, Blondie, is no fault of mine.

(Exeunt all)

Scene II: Over in one corner of the public bar.

(MacShark, Bedazzled, iBozz and Major Bloodnok are gathered around a table.)

MAC: Are we a' here?
DAZZ: What was that in English?
MAC: Crivens, man! Ha' ye no got any brains i' yer hied? Ah said: Is everyone here?
DAZZ: (Sarcastically) Well why dont you ask them?
MAC: Aye, good idea. Bedazzled, are ye here?
DAZZ: Approximately.
MAC: iBozz, are ye here?
IBOZZ: I believe so, but I could be mistaken.
MAC: Bloodnok, are ye here?
MAJB: That depends. Who wants to know? And, anyway, I was nowhere near the beer cellar on the night in question.
MAC: Right, noo. 'Tis the first game o' the season in four days, an' we haftae mek sure that the crood support the lads wi' loads o' noise. Noo, we've got the bluidy great drum - (iBozz and Bloodnok groan audibly) - but we haftae use it properly -
IBOZZ: I have some ideas on that score...
MAC: Ach, bigjobs! Can ye no' be a wee bit mare positive aboot it?
MAJB: I have some very positive ideas about what to do with the drum...
MAC: Flap yer cruddles, an' whack yer fleejits! We haftae get oorsel's organised so that we can lead the chantin' on Friday night. Can ye no' understand that? So, we need tae get together for a practice session.
DAZZ: We will meet; and there we may rehearse most
    Obscenely and courageously. Take pains; be perfect: adieu.
MAC: At the Royal Oak we meet.

(Exeunt all)

ACT 2, Scene I. Another corner of the public bar.

(Enter, from one side, Inspector Morse and Sue_B and, from the other, AngelShark and Lewis)

MORSE: Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.
ANGEL: Oi! Less of the Titania, you. I can't help my shape.
MORSE: I see you still have Lewis trailing around with you. He's supposed to be my sidekick, you know.
ANGEL: Tough Titania, chummy. I've got him now and he does what I say. As leader-in-chief of the SIB, I deserve a sidekick more than you do. You always ignore him, anyway.
MORSE: You going be hanging around here long, then?
ANGEL: Till after the game at least. You want to come along?
MORSE: Return Lewis to me and I'll think about it.
ANGEL: On yer bike, mate! Come on, Lewis.

(Exit AngelShark)

MORSE: Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this bar
    Till I torment thee for this injury.
    My gentle Sue_B, come hither. You rememberest
    How Angel has such a fondness for
    A goodly drop of Old Stoatstrangler's?
SUE_B: I remember.
MORSE: Then fetch a sufficiency and ply her with it such
    That she sleeps and, upon awakening, will have
    Such a hangover that she will welcome whoever should appear
    With a nostrum to provide relief.
SUE_B: I'll put a girdle on. Give me forty minutes.

(Exit Sue_B.)

(Enter Riggerstheblonde, clutching the poster of Wiggy. Morse hides behind the bar as he hears her approach.)

RBLONDE: (Holding the poster in front of her)
    You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant;
    But yet you draw not iron for my heart
    Is true as steel:
    And yet you run from me and hide in the brakes
    And leave me to the mercy of the wild beasts.
    I'll follow thee and make a heaven of hell,
    To die upon the hand I love so well.

(Exit Riggerstheblonde).

MORSE: (Reappearing from behind the bar) Hmm. I wonder...

(Re-enter Sue_B)

SUE_B: I've got a barrel of the stuff.
MORSE: Good. Right, Angel's heading that way. Take the barrel and label it as a gift from "an admirer".
SUE_B: Right-o.

(Exeunt all)

Scene II: Another part of the public bar.

(Enter AngelShark with Lewis.)

ANGEL: Oi, oi, oi! That man makes me so mad! (Spies the large barrel.) Ayup, what's this? Old Stoatstranglers; "from an Admirer"? Ah well, gift horses and all that...

(Pours out a generous glassful and downs it in one. Drinks a few more, then sits down and falls asleep.)

(Enter Riggersthebaby, clutching the poster of Chris Rhys-Jones.)

RBABY: I, upon this seat, will rest my head:
    One beermat shall serve as pillow for us both.

(Sits down and falls asleep.)

(Enter Riggerstheblonde, with the Wiggy poster).

RBLONDE: Phew! I'm bushed.

(Sits down near Riggersthebaby - fortunately remaining unaware of her presence - and puts the poster down next to the CRJ poster, which has slipped from Riggersthebaby's hand.)

RBLONDE: However, things to do - can't stop. (Picks up poster.)

(Exit Riggerstheblonde.)

(Riggersthebaby wakes up and immediately picks up the poster).

RBABY: (Unrolling poster) Ah, my sweet.... WHAT! This cannot be!
    Ay me, for pity, what dream was here?
    Griff! what, removed?
    Alack, where are you? I swoon almost with fear.
    Either you or death I'll find immediately.

(Exit)

ACT 3, Scene I: the public bar. AngelShark still asleep.

(Enter MacShark, Bedazzled, iBozz and Major Bloodnok. Bedazzled is carrying the bloody great drum.)

DAZZ: Imagine the nerve of the man, kicking us out of the Oak like that.
IBOZZ: He was only concerned in case you accidentally started playing it.
MAC: Ach, crivens. This is as guid a place as any tae talk aboot whut we're gonnae do fer the game.
DAZZ: Well, it's simple. I bang the drum, and everyone joins in the chant.
    How answer you that?
MAJ. B: By'r lakin, a parlous fear.
IBOZZ: I believe we must leave the drum out, when all is done.
DAZZ: I have a device to make all well.
IBOZZ: Earplugs?

(Enter Sue_B)

SUE_B: 'Tis not the sound that makes all afraid, but 'tis the appearance.
DAZZ: What, what?
SUE_B: You're going to have to make yourself look less... frightening. More cuddly.
DAZZ: But how?
SUE_B: I have the very thing. Here, put on these pink bunny ears. They'll make people less nervous in your presence and more willing to join in.
DAZZ: Oh, well, I'll try anything once. (Dons bunny ears.)

(Mac, iBozz and Maj. B all start snorting liquid out of their noses and have to beat a hasty retreat.)

(Exit Sue_B.)

ANGEL: Wassamarrer? Oh, my head! It feels like family of trolls have taken up line-dancing in there.
DAZZ: Here, have an asprin...
ANGEL: Ta. Oooh, that's better. My what big ears you have...
DAZZ: Well, you know what they say: "Big ears, big -"... erm.
ANGEL: Yes, and such a big drum as well.
DAZZ: Erm, yes. It is rather, isn't it?
ANGEL: I'll bet it makes a lot of noise when you bang it, doesn't it?
DAZZ: So people say...
ANGEL: In fact, I'll bet you really enjoy banging, don't you?
DAZZ: (Gulp) ahh, yes, you could say that...
ANGEL: Right, well I've got a job for you. Come on.

(Exeunt.)

Scene II: Another part of the bar.

(Enter Morse)

MORSE: I wonder if Angel is suffering yet?

(Enter Sue_B)

SUE_B: She's over there, chatting up that geezer with the bunny ears.
MORSE: Even better, a headache and going dewy-eyed with a freak. Hang, on someone's coming - behind the bar, quick.

(Enter Riggersthebaby - with the wrong poster, remember?)

RBABY: Ah, my dear Griff; where is he? Tell me Wiggy. But you cannot speak, of course, being but of ink on parchment. Out dog! Out cur!

(She throws the picture to the floor and storms off.)

MORSE: Looks like the old switcheroo gag. I wonder who's got the other one?
SUE_B: Riggerstheblonde...
MORSE: So sure?
SUE_B: Yeah. I was hanging around behind the bar during Act 2, Scene II.

(Enter Riggerstheblonde)

RBLONDE: Now, what on earth did I do with my Wiggy poster? Hang about a mo - what's this on the floor? Oh, Wiggy! There you are. But now I have the both of you here - what shall I do with Griff?

(Re-enter Riggersthebaby)

RBABY: Thou art not by mine eye, CR-J, found;
    Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to the sound
    Of thy name being spoken. Ah, Blondie, you have my poster.
RBLONDE: And were you responsible for ditching the magnificent Wiggy? Look, he's all dog-eared now.
    Injurious Baby! most ungrateful maid!
RBABY: Chill, Blondie. Untwist your knickers and let's sort this out.
RBLONDE: Fine, i'faith! Have you no modesty, no maiden shame, no touch of bashfulness?
RBABY: Look, chummy, you're the one with both of them.
RBLONDE: Fine, be like that, then! (Throws both posters behind the bar.)
    I will not trust you, I,
    Nor longer stay in your curst company.

(Exit Riggerstheblonde)

RBABY: Oooh! 'Ark at you.

(Exit Riggersthebaby)

MORSE: (Reappearing) What a right pair they are and no mistake.
SUE_B: (Holding both posters.) I suppose we'd better get this sorted out or this play will never end. Right, I'll put the Wiggy poster on this chair and the Griff poster on this one. Now, you turn out the lights, Morse, and I'll get the two pilloc..., I mean girls back in here. (Leaves)

(Morse turns out the lights and leaves. Re-enter Sue_B leading Riggerstheblonde)

RBLONDE: O weary night, O long and tedious night...
SUE_B: Yes, yes. Now just you sit here. (Leaves again and reappears with Riggersthebaby.)
RBABY: Never so weary, never so in woe...
SUE_B: Of course, dear. Now you just sit over here.

(Exit Sue_B).

Act 4, Scene I. The same. Riggerstheblonde and Riggersthebaby sitting (asleep) in the dark.

(Enter AngelShark and Bedazzled. Morse creeps in unseen behind them.)

ANGEL: Come, sit thee down upon this flowery cushion. Do you want a drink?
DAZZ: Ta. Mmm, I could do with a drop of Stoatstranglers...

(Angel goes to the bar, pours a pint of Stoatstranglers and gives it to Bedazzled.)

DAZZ: (Drinking) Mmmm, sweet. Oh, what a day - I feel all overcome... (Falls asleep)
MORSE: I didn't realise quite how nauseating I would find that. Angel, you do know who that is behind the cunning rabbit ear disguise, don't you?
ANGEL: What do you mean?
MORSE: (Removes the rabbit ears from Bedazzled's head) There lies your love.
ANGEL: How came these things to pass?
    O, how mine eyes do loathe his visage now!
    Ech! let's get out of here.

(Exeunt Morse and Angel.)

(Enter Strinesian Saleanian, CheadleEnder and Riggersthebeer)

SS: Ah, match day...
CE: I was with Hercules and Cadmus once,
    When in a wood of Crete they bay'd the bear...
    Never did I hear such gallant chiding:
    "Go on! Rip 'is arms off!".
    Ah, so musical a discord, such sweet thunder.
RBEER: (Spotting Riggersthebaby and Riggerstheblonde) Hey up, what are these two doing here?
SS: No doubt they got up early to procure a decent seat.
RBEER: Hoi! Wakey, wakey!

(Riggers the baby and Riggerstheblonde awake with a start and each picks up the poster next to them)

RBABY: O, Griff! You have returned!
RBLONDE: O, sweet Wiggy, you're back!
RBEER: I'm not going to shift them on this, am I?
SS: Not a chance, me old mucker.
RBEER: Ho, hum. Anyone fancy a pint?

(Exeunt SS, CE, RBEER, RBABY and RBLONDE)

DAZZ: (Awakening) Huh? What? What a strange dream. Strewth, it's nearly game time - I've got to get my drum.

(Exits)

Scene II: The other corner of the bar. MacShark, iBozz and Major Bloodnok with the B.G.D.

(iBozz and Bloodnok are crouched over the drum, conversing in whispers).

MAC: Ach, crivens! Where the bluidy hell's Bedazzled got hisself tae?

(Enter Bedazzled. iBozz and Bloodnok hurriedly get up and move away from the drum.)

DAZZ: Fear not, I am here.
MAC: Aye, an' it's aboot bluidy time, too.
DAZZ: No time to waste, the match is due to start. (Grabs drum)

(Exeunt all.)

Act 5, Scene I. The snug.

(Enter SS and CE)

CE: Well, at least we got the business with the posters sorted out.
SS: Thank goodness. I thought that sub-plot was never going to end.
CE: And soon we will be able to set off to the game, where we can start the season properly in the traditional manner.
SS: I'm so honoured that it's to be my head that gets rubbed for the bestowing of good luck...

(Enter Riggersthebaby and Riggerstheblonde)

SS: Are you two sorted now?
RBABY: Yep.
RBLONDE: Too right.

(Enter Mac, Bedazzled, iBozz and Bloodnok)

MAC: Reet, the noo. We're a' ready fer the off.
DAZZ: Yes, we want to start the new season with a bang.

(iBozz and Bloodnok look at each other. A sly smile creeps onto each of their faces)

IBOZZ: I don't doubt it.
MAJB: Oh, yes, a real bang...
DAZZ: Well, to celebrate, I'll just give the BGD a quick dust off... (Raises the drumstick on high and starts to bring it down)
IBOZZ and MAJB: (both springing forward in an attempt to stop Bedazzled from striking the drum) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....... Not in here!

(Theme music up and under...)

You have been reading a summer special edition of Riggerside. Any similarity to the works of a certain dead (emphasis on dead) author is possibly coincidental.

(Theme music back up, just covering the sound of a muffled "boom" and a flash of light from the snug.)

Bookmark or share this story with: