I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be alright. Mums and little boys will know this as the grazed knee, draining board and germolene moment.

It hadn't been like that several minutes earlier, when we were waiting for the great man to enter, in fact we wouldn't have been surprised if Fred Karno hadn't had walked in wearing a Harlequins tie. Yes, it was that awful!!

Writing a match report is a strange experience. You feel detached from what is going on around you. You're too busy scribbling details and times to really engage in the atmosphere of the game. On around 80 minutes I looked around me and those that were left ('more later') had fallen into two camps. I looked to my left and watched Prof, a man who has multi-coloured blood pumping through his main arteries, still exhorting the players to do more, still shouting at Lander for being…….well……Lander! Whilst at the same time, others (and there weren't many left by that time) took to mocking the team, applauding Sale's every move, hoping they would reach 50 points. I'm sure the psychologists amongst you will recognise this phenomenon. It's probably akin to the Christians singing as they marched in to greet the lions. I couldn't do either. I was a member of the 'fourth estate' for the day and had to remain objective.

Many of you reading this article are probably wanting me to stop the waffle and get on to the facts ('more later') but please bear with me because I want to tell you how I feel (there you go, the feminine side again!). I am terrible when we lose. Unless they are with me, the family are given the 75 minute 'mobile phone' warning as soon as I get out of the Car Park, as I commence my journey down to the Sussex coast. When we win the world appears a better place. Even in winter I would swear the birds are singing, children are dancing, and all the way down the A316, pretty girls are throwing garlands on to the bonnet of my family saloon. When we lose, I'm 'orrible. Winston Churchill used to refer to his fits of deep depression as "black dog". Pahhh!! His was a puppy compared to my brute! When we lose, 'new man' is given the 'nut', the 'Liverpool kiss'. The missus, unreasonably in my opinion, decides to ignore me, the kids get threatened with an early night (but they're too big now) and no neighbourhood cat is too fluffy and cuddly not to be kicked into next door's garden. But yesterday it was different. The humiliation was so great, it would have been churlish to be a bad loser. If we can find excuses for a narrow defeat, e.g. Lander, a disputed penalty, a missed forward pass, we feel obligated to get angry. But this was beyond all that. This was so awful it took me on to a different plain of consciousness. We'd lost, but I felt calm. The birds, children and 'be-flowered' lasses had stayed indoors, but the local moggies were also safe to venture out.

Then why did all this happen? Let's look at Sale first. Jim Mallinder, the Sale Coach (you're not getting me calling them Sharks!) conceded that the team plays "simple rugby" because, after all, rugby is a "simple game". He thought Sale were good, but Quins were "fairly poor". Asked about the decision by Mark Evans (yes, Mark confirmed it was his "you can understand why") to bring in the touch lines, Mallinder responded that "this sent out a clear signal how Quins wanted to play" and that the Sale forward pack "did not need a team talk". Mark Evans thought that Sale were "alright, but they didn't need to be that good" but that "Sale's performance was not at the fore front of his mind at the moment". So what about the views of your objective intrepid reporter? Well, to me, Sale did what Mallinder said they did, i.e. played simple rugby, very well! They were better organised and controlled in all areas. Their passing was crisper, their kicking was flawless, their backs expected and knew what to do with the ball when they received it. Their pack was fitter, hungrier, more aggressive and cuter (no, that's not my 'feminine side' again), continually infringing, but either getting away with it or only getting caught and penalised in safer areas. That's not a criticism. That's good back row play!

Setting up the strolling maul (pic: Binky)

But Sale didn't need to be that good, because Quins really were that bad, and all the things Sale were, we weren't. As has been said, the touchline had been brought in about 5 ft on either side, but we still were unable to find touch (apart from Ace that is) and insisted, continually, that the best tactic was to give Jason Robinson catching and running practice. Even when we kicked for touch from penalties, Burkey appeared to be so lacking in confidence that we made only about 15 metres. We could argue that Nathan William's injuries meant that we had to change the dimensions of the pitch because we no longer had any in-form wingers, and therefore had to play 10-man rugby, but unfortunately, no one knew which 10 men. Mark Evans' first words in the Press Room were "that was terrible, no other word for it", followed by, "worse day at the office ever". Mark could not name one player who had a good game, "collectively really poor, defensive patterns were bad"…."poor handling errors…completely fell apart".

Lineout lost (Pic: Binky)

However, for the statisticians amongst you, the following were the highlights (but not for Quins):

1st minute: 0 - 3: Penalty to Hodgson after infringement at ruck, 27 metres out on left hand side.

16th minute: 0 - 10: Chris Jones broke through a number of flailing arms from 15 metres out after a line out on Quins 22 metre line. Luger tackled near the line. Hodgson conversion.

32nd minute: 0 - 13: Hodgson penalty after Quins failed to allow release at a ruck.

46th minute: 0 - 16: Hodgson penalty on Quins 22 metre line to right of posts after another Quins infringement at the ruck.

The Stoop's favourite ref  (Pic -  Binky)

It was during this period of play, before Quins had totally disintegrated, that Lander chose to ignore two incidents where Sale players might have expected to go in the sin bin. The first was a Sale player laying at the back of a ruck, thrashing his legs out stopping Bemand getting to the ball, quickly followed by a scuffle on the Quins 10 metres line, as play was continuing and almost ending with a Sale try. Each time, Lander wagged his little finger and preened for the cameras, and let things drop. But these had no effect whatsoever on the game, so we continue.

53rd minute: 0 - 23: Bond try down right hand side, resulting from a Sale scrum for a disputed Quins knock-on on Quins 22 metre line. Hodgson conversion.

54th minute: The Quins player exodus commenced. Davison, Bemand, Codling and Fuga off, for Evans, Powell, Miall and Sheriff. Ace to hooker.

57th minute: Certain Quins try thwarted a couple of metres out after Burkey (?) decide to pass to the opposition rather than a Quins shirt.

58th minute: 0 - 26: Hodgson penalty. Vos not rolling away from ruck after tackle. Missed conversion.

61st minute: 0 - 31: Cueto try. Break from half way line, stopped on Quins 22 metre, recycled to Cueto, who ran in down right hand touchline.

64th minute: 0 - 38: Hodgson try and conversion.

The great Quins' season-ticket holder exodus commenced. I know this is a moot point, but sometimes this can be a very effective means of communicating to the players the fact that their efforts are unacceptable. This must have been very worrying to Mark Evans in both his roles as Director of Coaching, but also Chief Executive.

66th minute: Sale substitutions, including Redpath, Robinson and Hodgson, to applause from West Stand.

74th minute: The traditional Ace sin-binning from what appeared to be a needless incident at a ruck on the half-way line. Maybe he watched half the pack leave the field, followed by half the crowd, and wanted to get back to the changing rooms in case he was missing something!!

77th minute: Sir Jase takes the line-out after realising all the hookers have gone home. Line out won.

81st minute: 0 - 45: Hanley try after running from Quins 22 metre line through non-existent tackling.

The last few minutes of injury time were a mixture of voices from the West Stand asking for Lander to blow the whistle to be put out of our misery and the humiliation of the latter appearing to ignore a number of Quins knock-ons and forward passes, seemingly "to give us a chance".

Harlequins:

Luger; Jewell; Greenwood; Satala; Moore; Burke; Bemand (Powell 54 min); Starr; Fuga (Sheriff 54 min); Leonard; Davison (Evans 54 min); Codling (Miall 54 min); Tiatia; Vos; Diprose (Cardinalli 66 min)

Sale:

Robinson (Going 67 min); Cueto; Harris; Bond; Hanley; Hodgson (Baxendall 67 min); Redpath (Walshe 67 min); Yates; Titterrell (Marais 65 min); Stewart (Turner 55 min); Jones; Schofield (Fullarton 55 min); Sanderson; Pinkerton; Anglesea (Davies 67 min)

I was nervous when preparing myself for this role that I would be expected to discuss the merits of Burkey 'standing flat' or playing deep 'in the pocket', and what, apart from their numbers and which arm they cuddle Tani with, what were the differing open play responsibilities of the loose-head and tight-head props. However, those concerns left me when Mark Evans, with his many years at all levels of the game, baldly stated "if we play like that we'll go down…....we won't win another game this season". I thought to myself….. I knew that, Jim Mallinder is right…..rugby is a simple game. I'm not as stupid as I look!

Subsequent goading/prompting from the 'press pack' (and TMJ) included such nuggets as:

Q: How are you feeling…anger, bewilderment, frustration?

ME: "that describes it"

Q: Will there be any psychological damage?

ME: "When you're in this situation you completely collapse or pull things together and improve…….it will be one or the other"

Q. Will it affect relationships?

ME: "might do, too early to say"

Q: Will there be any changes to the 1st team?

ME: "now's not the right time to think about it…..think about it in a couple of weeks to see who's available"

STOP IT! I wanted to shout. LEAVE OUR MARK ALONE. CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S NOT FEELING VERY WELL?

The team will have a week off, as was agreed in July, and although my first instincts would be to bring them in on Sunday morning and make them suffer, I think everyone needs a week to think about their future and if I was Mark I would send them on there 'hols' with a homework question, "do you really want to be a 'professional' rugby player with everything that those three words mean?".

There, there Mark! Everything will be better soon. If your friends don't start behaving, we'll have to get some new lads for you to play with!

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