By Albatross
October 9 2002

There's a strange affliction affecting a number of people in the Bournemouth area at the moment, and it may throw the televised game against Pools on Sunday into doubt, as Albatross reports.... Sunday's televised match against Bournemouth is in doubt after the whole town was contaminated by an organism called "Vitriolic Malicious". The source of the outbreak is still under investigation, but it is believed to have arrived together with a large number of visitors to the South Coast town over the last few days.

Various outbreaks have been reported in the past, and a particularly virulent strain seems to have come to prominence recently, the main source of which seems to be some Currie that was well past it's sell by date. The local Health Authority is advising anyone in the area to keep a close watch on whatever they consume, as the organism can come disguised in many different forms despite the fact that it is in fact rubbish. Eggs are thought to be a particularly high risk.

Symptoms include verbal diahorea, a tendency to fight with people who used to be friends, and a strange urge to stand up and clap enthusiastically for no real reason. Rumours that Quaker Scientific Research and Chipboard Labs are trying to isolate the active component that causes the last symptom for use in their business at the White Elephant Leisure Complex have been strenuously denied.

While it cannot be guaranteed that the game, due to be televised on Sky, will go ahead, extreme contingency plans are being drawn up to ensure that the show will go on. If all else fails, it is rumoured that the majority of those displaying symptoms will be forced to leave the town at the end of this week, while the remainder will be forced into the home sections of the ironically named "Fitness First Stadium" to avoid contaminating visiting fans.

"I don't know what's gone wrong this year," said one resident of Bournemouth. "Normally we're all issued with earplugs and everything gets covered with plastic and everything's OK."

When asked for a comment, a Government spokeswoman said, "This is exactly the sort of reason why we need to be tough on Vitriolic Malicious and tough on the causes of Vitriolic Malicious, and the fact that diseases like this are still haunting our coastal towns is of course due to the long history of underfunding over a period of argh, argh, Tories, argh" before being lead away foaming at the mouth and shouting rude things about Michael Portillo.

Peter Reid is currently busking outside Crowtree Leisure Centre, and when asked to comment said "Well I don't bleeping know, why shoud I bleeping know about football any bleeping more? Got the bleeping price of a bleeping striker?"