Dickie not playing due to illness and GC to far behind, left DD and the Buxom Antill to fight over the batting award. Ant needing at least 76 (out) and Dennis not to bat to win the award. In the bowling stakes, Ant again, faced competition from Banana Man Ellis. Who ever took the most wickets and conceded the least amount of runs, won the title.
Gerbil (with a bad back from previous night's entertainment!) went out to toss with the visitors captain Mead, won and elected to bat. Before the match had started, Dirty Den had drafted his battle plans. He rolled out his maps, discussed his options with Sergeant Gonzo and decided on Ant to open the batting with Roll-up Wenden. DD opted for the floating role, starting at 11, but pencilled the number 6 berth. We had the usual dressing room antics by the Ant, fingers under his arm pit and shoving them under people's noses, shouting smell this, etc (the norm).
First ball of the day nearly decided the batting award. A prod by Ant just flew past gulley, but as the match progressed, Antill batted well within himself (there's a lot of him), occasionally hitting the bad ball for four, with no risks. It was a steady partnership and on a recount/the number of runs Antill had turned down, Risla was outscoring the Buxom. When the score had reached eighty, a shock, Antill bowled (by the best ball of the season), in reality, a short of a length delivery that he turned into a Yorker. He scored 69 (no jokes as it is a clean write up!!!) DD, with the aide of the scorer's pen and the back page of the Sunday Telegraph, calculated the permutations of his innings. Ant needed 7 more runs to beat DD's average, Bill Gates is the winner and he doesn't have to bat. After a discussion with Stevo and trying to secure the number 11 spot, he was told to stay at six.
In at number 3 came Max, and with a flurry of leg side shots mixed in with an exquisite cover drive, over took Wenden in the scoring stakes. At 110 for 1, and trigger Poyner umpiring, a shout by bowler Pope and Nick was sent back, lbw for 25. When Poyner came back from his stint, he was met by the Bygreaves posse, questioning why Max was out, where his front foot was positioned etc. This was one of many questionable decisions. (See later. The way this report is going, a lot later!!!) Next to go was Wenden, bowled off stump for 19. A patient innings that could off been doubled if the Ant was up for running singles/two's/three's! Pete Turner was in with the Gerbil and they pushed the score along until Stevo was caught. In came DD, looking very nervous, knowing he can't get out. Bowlers beating the edge and one ball hitting his chin, will he survive? The Ant, knowing that Dennis had to get out for him to win started barracking, "Come on Dennis, hit the pies" but to no avail, Dirty Den survived and with GC, pushed the score to 201-4 on a slow, but occasionally variable bouncing wicket. Well done Dennis, especially with the consistent scoring over the last third of the season.
Tea - time, PC's wife Jackie, ably assisted by daughter and boyfriend (who should off been in the Far East but left it to the last minute to find the whereabouts of his passport, oh dear, lost and so was his holiday!!) This has to be favourite for the Stella Award 2003 (Americas award for the most stupid act), closely followed by Elmo!! A fine tea, enjoyed by all, especially the curried flavoured chicken wings.
Etwall's innings, Elmo opened the bowling with Poyner but where is the Ant?? He usually opens? Is their a conspiracy? Phone Scully and Mulder! Poyner, bowling well in patches, but overall, pitching too short, the batsman gladly despatching him to the boundary. Pete, bowling his usual banana balls, kept it tight and took the first wicket caught and bowled. Darts Mason was the first change and after bowling a maiden, decided that Etwall needed to score some quick runs and proceeded to chuck down a few pies, which were gladly eaten. At the other end, Elmo doubled his tally, getting the captain out caught. Darts was taken off and replaced by the marauding Antill, miffed as he hadn't opened the bowling. To my surprise, (and needing two wickets to get into the league handbook!), replaced Elmo, figures off 2-16 was surely going to be enough to win the bowling award, or was the Ant going to top it?
Bowling tightly, I took two wickets, first bowled, a beautiful outswinging delivery that swung from leg and hit middle. The Etwall batsman decided to call me a jammy f**ker, but I replied "who's still playing!!" I thought the idea is to sledge during the game, not when you're out? My second wicket was a caught and bowled, the batsman being their top scorer Tunnicliffe. At the other end, the Ant was having a torrid time, missing the edge, Chinese cuts, getting hit over his head; he knew he had to take wickets. A very quick delivery knocked over the stumps but oh no, he was no-balled. This is the first time I've ever seen him no-balled, was the pressure getting to him? He then took a wicket, bowled, and was no-balled twice more. By this time he was very p***ed off, arguing with the umpire, who happened to be Etwalls U15's coach. DD had to step in to calm the situation. What transpired is even more remarkable, the Ant was right; the official didn't know the step rule had been changed, and Dennis (with his coaching badge) proceeded to give the two umpires a quick lesson. Only other information of note was a superb run out by Darts, who threw down the stumps from the boundary and a Whitey lbw at the end.
The game petered out to a winning draw, Etwall finishing on 186-8, Mead J 33 not out and Armishaw scoring 35. Personally, Etwall are a good side who have scored lots of runs this year, but have suffered with their bowling. A good ground and friendly bunch of players, they'll be up with the leaders next year.
The Ant took a second wicket, bowled, but that was not enough. Banana man had won the average stakes (well-done sir and please pay for your curry next time!!) Buxom finished with figures of 2-52 while Elmo did not bowl again and finished with 2-16.
A good all round performance but the fielding was a lack lustre end of season effort, DD and Stevo pulling their hair out at times due to no calling when the ball was in the air and dropping in-between fielders. The rod was caste a few times throughout the game but only one bite of note, Wenden, "Ant, your feet stink!" Antill replied, "Why should you care as I'm not going to bed with you tonight!" Tottie-meter in-active but flickered later with Shortie and his Everest exploits (twin peaks!!) Cheers for now and I'll see you all in 2004.
Related Links:
Dirty Den's April Diary
Duffield 2nd XI Fixtures
League Tables
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