By Diane Stanley
February 13 2003

This week's interview was done on location with a Mr. Curve Ball. I have to say it was the most unusual I have ever done. Mr. Ball has some very odd habits that seem to be catching.

Mr. Ball has very few hobbies apart from making his own clothes (he says he prefers natural skins) and playing hide and go seek. For some reason he seems to prefer playing this game with police officers and young over weight women. (Never thought I would be happy to be 42!)

Mr. Ball, how long have you been interested in the game of baseball, and what sparked your interest?
Well Clarisse……….. I mean, Diane……….. as you know, I've been a 'guest' at the Institute for the Criminally Insane (We call it home) for many years now and I think that what sparked off my interest in baseball was the Electro-Convulsive Therapy. You see, when they used to wheel us in for treatment the nice attendants would say 'Another Rounder coming through.' (Rounder meaning Round the Bend) Therefore, from Rounders it seemed natural for my thought processes to progress to baseball. In other words then, I got into baseball in much the same way as most other fans.

What made you become a Yankees fan?
After I was committed………………………… NO, NO, NO, BAD WORD………….. Excuse me, I'm sensitive to certain word associations……………… I'll start again. After I was invited to become a 'guest' at this leading Institution, one of our renowned psychoanalysts decided to implement a new treatment regime involving the exposure of 'guests' to foreign cultural influences. I wasn't really interested until a fellow 'guest' told me about the movie treatment group and how they had watched 'Last Tango in Paris'. So I thought 'Wow! Sounds good to me' and volunteered. Unfortunately, all the other 'guests' had the same idea and I nearly got trampled to death in the stampede. I ended up with concussion, an unhappy funny bone and a place in the '1930's Americana' treatment group where we were locked in a dark room and forced to watch 'Pride of The Yankees' for 247 times in 4 days. For some strange reason, I came out as a Yankees fan.

How often are you permitted to watch the games on Channel 5?
It really all depends on whether I've been a good boy or not. If I haven't drooled too much that day then Nurse Crachett might allow me to watch the TV. On the other hand, if I have drooled she might still allow me to watch TV - in a straitjacket, suspended upside-down from the ceiling. Its a new experience watching baseball that way. You should try it. Stops you drooling too.

Do they let you watch them live or do they make you tape them to watch later?
Its got to be live, particularly the Sunday night game. I dunno Cla…. Diane, its like there is something exciting about the night games, especially when you look out through the bars on the window and see the full moon. Its a strange thing though, I always have a lot more facial hair to shave off on a Monday morning.

Do any of your fellow inmates at the sanitarium watch the games with you?
Three of us usually watch the action. Me, my mate Norman and his mum, who I've never met.

Have you ever traveled to the US and taken in a game whilst you were there? If not do you plan to do so in the future?
Regrettably, Dr Feelgood says that the US government has put me on some kind of top ten list which will delay my first trip to America. Apparently, this is good and bad. Its good because I'm quite famous there. Lots of officials have got my photograph in their pocket or on their office wall. Its bad because I'm really a quiet, reclusive type. Put me in an old rundown motel somewhere and I'll be at home. I don't mind waiting though. First stop will be Yankee Stadium.

What is your best baseball memory?
Listening to the 1978 World Series on long wave radio. One of the other loonies…………………..NO, NO, NO, BAD WORD………… Sorry Diane, slipped up again there………………. Diane, you seem to be perspiring. Its not too hot in here, is it? Ok? I'll start again. One of the other 'guests' here at that time was from Texas, USA. A real madman for machines, if you'll pardon the turn of phrase. Anyway, he was a lumberjack of some type and always talked about his chainsaw. He rigged up this mechanical device but got dragged off before he could use it and one of the other 'guests' used the engine to power a radio because we were not allowed access to batteries. Boy was it powerful. We could hear the local station in downtown Vladivstock. One night I had it turned on and just happened to tune into Yankee stadium and so, by sheer chance, that was how I heard the 1978 WS on radio. Unforgettable.

What is your worst baseball memory?
OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOhhhhhhHHHHH. DIAMONDBACKS………NO, NO, NO, BAD WORD…….WAAAAAAAAAHHHH…… SCHILLING…. MORE BAD WORDS……….NO, NO, NO………………CACTUSVILLE……………………WAAAAAAAAHHH.

(After an hour long break to let Mr. Ball recover from his rage.)

Mr. Ball I really am sorry to have upset you with my last question. Lets go to your favorite topic the Yankees. Who is your favorite all time Yankee, and who is your favorite present day player on the team?
Most civil of you Diane. I apologise for my little moment back there and especially so for eating your pencil. That was unforgivable. I'll buy you another one sometime. By the way, are you sure that you're comfortable? Your left eye is beginning to twitch. Yes? Ok, I'll go on. As to your first question, you'll know that as a Yankee fan I'm a bit spoiled for choice. There have been so many great players that have played for the Yankees. Anyway, I think I'll go for Yogi Berra. A truly great catcher, a hitter with a good average at the plate, a Hall of Famer, a player with more WS rings than Joe Di Maggio (10 - 9) but just as important, a guy with an amazing turn of phrase and a good sense of humour who is wearing well to this day.…………. Pity he signed a salad chef for first base though. My favourite present day player is Clay Bellinger. This is a guy who is not in the same league as some of the players on the Yankee staff but nevertheless, he is a player who appreciates every moment of his time on the team. When he hit his first HR at Yankee Stadium he later said in interview that he could happily retire from the game because he had achieved his goal in sports. Happily, he didn't retire and since then he has plugged away, sometimes taking a leading role in games. Clay Bellinger then is a humble and realistic journeyman player who gives his all every time and never complains when he is dropped or sent down to the minors. He is what is known as The perfect pro………….. I've got something stuck between my teeth Diane………………… its a bit of lead from your pencil!! ………………. You want it back?………. No, I didn't think so. Ok, next question.

What would you say is the reason behind the Yankees being so successful?
Well there are several reasons Diane. Firstly, Noo Yoirk is a baseball town. Why do you think the little team in Queens gets such good crowds? Its simple, the fans have just got to get their baseball fix - even if it means watching the Mets. It helps too that the fans are a load of big-heads. The away crowds love a game against the Yankees as well. Look at the series the Yankees played against the Phillies at the Vet last season - an average crowd of nearly 54000 for a team that drew less than 20,000 over the year. Secondly, the Yankees history makes playing for them a real honour for many players. It brings the best out of them………….. most of the time, not counting dummies like Witadik and a few others. Then, of course, the management have to be included. From Torre to Cashman to Uncle Goige even, they all know their stuff. Of course, it took Uncle Goige a little longer than most to learn his part……. but he seems to have it nailed down now. Finally, the cash comes in handy. With 3.3m fans paying the second-highest ticket prices in MLB last year plus the new cable network this year, the Yanks have got cash coming in by the bucket. I heard that Uncle Goige was negotiating to buy Alabama as training ground. Understated, you know. Nothing too flashy.

There has been talk of the Yankees moving from Yankee Stadium. How do you feel about this? (**Thinks** Hope this does not send the nutter off again!)
(**Thinks** These questions could drive somebody off their head. Wonder if she's ever interviewed John Rocker?) Well Diane, I think its a damn disgrace. The whole Yankee story is built around the Stadium. I mean Yankee stadium is known as 'The House that Ruth built'. Is this new one gonna be 'The House that Uncle Goige built?' Naw, doesn't have the same ring to it. Of course, if it was to be called the 'Mayor Giuliani Stadium'……………. Weeeeeeellll, thats different. Sounds much better. Or what about my personal favourite - 'Billy Crystal Park?' Now that sounds special. Nothing pretentious or artificial about that. I mean, if some teams can get away with things like 'Bank One ballpark' ……………….. now thats grim, its enough to put the opposition off their game…………………… I never thought about that before………………….. I wonder………….

(Who is sick of talking about the Yankees) John Rocker and Carl Everett now being on the same team? Both seem delusional at times. Do you think this will be a bad combination? (If anyone knows about nutters it's this guy!!)
(Shakes head and stops wondering about the effect of the BOB) Can't think why you want to talk about these two nutters Diane. Its not as if I've got anything in common with them. Do you know John Rocker's nickname? ………….. No? I'll tell you, its 'secretary'. Why? Because John's office Rocker!! ……….. I suppose at the end of the day he's just a crazy mixed up kid………… Then again, he might be some kind of white supremacist Fascist. I mean, who couldn't feel at home in Noo Yoirk. Its ridiculous. As for Carl, well its gonna be interesting to see how he and the 'secretary' get along. Mr Everfret didn't really hit it off in Boston. In fact, he didn't hit much at all in Boston. I think his claim to fame will be that he stopped the 'Moose' getting a perfect game last season. All that rage and pent-up anger! Sorry, its something I just can't relate to………….. HEY……..!! YEAH YOU, YOU ********* LAZY ******** ************ ******, GET OFF YOUR **** AND OFFER MRS STANLEY A CUP OF COFFEE, YOU ****** ******** ***** !!!!! ……………….. Honestly Diane, I think some of the staff here leave their manners at home. Shocking……………… Sugar?

What changes do you think the Yankees will make before spring training rolls around? (if I don't get back to them he will go off again!)
(At last, a question about the Yankees!) As you and I know, Yogi Berra slipped up recently and signed a salad chef called Mason Gambino instead of Jason Giambi. So what we've done is given the real Jason Giambi another $120m to shave his beard, pose in a Yankee top for a few photos and then retire to Acapulco and we've given this guy Mason a restaurant on 5th Avenue. Now the press haven't cottoned on yet so we've got this guy in doing hitting practice right now. Unfortunately, its not going well. The biggest thing he's swung in the last 10 years is an egg whisk. Definitely a problem there. The hitting coach is working on it though. Other than that I hear that there is a move to bring Daryl Strawberry back to coach some of the youngsters. You know, safe pair of hands and all that. Maybe even use him as a bench coach.

If contraction ever does take place which teams do you feel should go?
I'm going to make a real effort to answer this one Diane……………….. Ok, here goes. The teams I feel should go if contraction were to take place are the Mets, who are more or less the NY little leaguers and…………… A-a-a-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-r……….. A-a-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-r-r-r-r…………………… the D-d-d-d-d-d-d-b-b-b-b-b-a-a-a-a-a………………………………………… C-C-C-A-A-A-C-C-T-T-U-U-U-S-S-V-V-I-I-I-L-L-L-E!!!! ………………………………… Phew. That was an effort……………. Sorry to shout Diane, you look a bit shaken………………. Do you always stare at people like that Diane?

One final question. The one I ask everyone. Who apart from Jackie Robinson has done the most to change the face of baseball and why.
Branch Rickey. No Rickey , no Robinson.

Thanks for doing the interview Mr. Ball. I really am sorry I upset you once or twice. It was not my intention.

Relax Diane. Anytime. Here have a hankerchief. Tell me, when did you start drooling. You know, its a bit anti-social Diane. Nobody will invite you to parties anymore. And that twitch above your left eye………. you want to get somebody to see to that. Never mind, you seem to be happy enough……………… by the way, when do we do part two of the interview?

(Diane is lead away laughing like an idiot as she is committed to the sanitarium for at least a month to recover from her encounter with the Yankees mad nutter, babbling as she goes.)

"Norman can I please meet your mother?... Who's that in the chair?...Ooooooh I just love chainsaws....I know what you did last summer... I see dead people... can I play Chucky?....What a nice dress...is that real skin?...Those marbles look like they are looking back at me...I still know what you did last summer...Yankees are number one... Braves rule. Braves make Mets losers. Braves rule...Why Mr. Rocker what are you doing here? Mr. Everett....And Mr. Selig too?...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA............"

Diane's husband Geoff says, "This could take more than a month I fear! I hate that Gary Spate!! He should have done this interview!!! What has he done to my wife!!!! She hates the Yankees and Braves too. I swear I heard her say the Dodgers are a bunch of losers. What's happened to my wife?........."

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Footnote I must admit I have never had so much fun doing an interview. I really hope we can do a "part 2" sometime.