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How Razcal Became The Butt Of Several Jokes
By razcal October 16 2002
Are you old enough to remember those classic Morecombe and Wise clips where famous celebrities reveal how their lives have gone downhill after contact with the comic duo? André Prévin, a world famous orchestral conductor, was now a bus conducter etc etc.

Well be warned. Before I started acting on DenIse’s instructions I had spent 45 years leading an honest and reputable life. I will now proceed to tell you how I have stooped so low as to indulge in photographing rugby players bottoms. As Tiger Rock nearly said I don’t believe I have been doing this.

My brother who works in computers as a software installer and trouble shooter bought my aging mother an expensive digital camera half price and masses of attendant software for her birthday. I was allowed to borrow it for the cup final. I clicked away before and after the game but just had to concentrate solely on the play during the game. It is a good camera but it doesn’t have a telephoto lens or a powerful flash. Still you can tinker about with poor photos and improve them with the software.

Now I come to the bit where I can reveal Stopsy’s part in my road to shame. In the Summer he started a monster thread about the new season’s kick off getting nearer and how excited he became every time the number of hours to kick off went below a new psychologically important barrier. An intense metaphysical debate followed as to what truly constitutes kick off and which time space continuum should be applied. I still think Alphonse should have gone to more lectures at uni.

Then he discovered he would miss the rearranged kick off at Leeds because of his holiday arrangements. Taking pity I promised to get a photo of the event for him. Well, one thing leads to another. DenIse suggested that at the same time I take some piccies of the cutest players, just for her library you understand, only to be used to illustrate player profiles of course. Then in the chat room someone, I can’t remember who, suggested taking pictures of players legs etc and letting people guess whose legs etc they were. This suggestion rapidly took the form of an instruction. Now when DenIse says ”Jump” the only possible reply is “How high?”

At Leeds I had a nice seat right by the touch line and got some reasonable pictures. It was easy to crop them and just have legs for people to identify. Some people entered the competition but no one was killed in the rush. In the chat room we decided to jazz it all up a bit and a photograph of a butt was called for.

Well I positioned myself halfway inside the 22 in front of the A and L and Members Stands at the Quins home game. Jamie H and Perry were practicing box kicks as usual and I practiced with the camera and got shots of both of them. I settled down to wait the ladies favourites like Ollie and Joshy and Boothy.

A steward walked rapidly towards me. I was seized by a massive rush of panic and guilt. Several thoughts flashed through what passes for my brain. “He’ll confiscate the camera”, “He’ll throw me out of the ground and junior will be lost”. Well he just explained nicely that I was blocking the gangway and couldn’t stand there.” But we always have done in the past” I explained.

Actually I had never done this but Junior had always watched the warm up from there because he plays hooker and likes to watch the line out warm up. He had never been moved on in 3 seasons “Not any more” he replied gently “Health and Safety”. That was at the time a new low for me, I had never been a health and safety hazard before. So that is how the butt became the butt of Jamie. It was the only one I had. And that is why the butt is at a funny angle, it was the only chance I got.

The competition thread attracted more than 100 posts, not all were entries but it got a much better reaction than the other competitions. Tiger Rock won so I felt relieved that I wouldn’t have to print the picture and get it signed. Then DenIse informed me that Mrs Tiger Rock was desperate for the prize for her Christmas present.

Yes Tiger Rock, we believe you. Now I had to go and visit my 70 year old mother and ask permission to enlarge and print off a picture of Jamie’s butt. My own computer doesn’t have enough memory for the relevant software. I don’t think she is ashamed of me now but she is probably embarrassed.

However , I am more afraid of incurring the anger of DenIse than the disappointment of my own mother. So, off I went to Sale armed with the picture in search of Jamie H to get him to sign his own butt. No Jamie at Sale. You can’t get near the players at home games so we had to wait until Neath.

Junior had been ill all day and we were soaked and freezing but we hung around for the players to come out for the warm down. Most didn’t bother. Warm anything didn’t come to mind in that weather. However Oz came out and Junior went up to him with the picture of his ear. “Would you sign this please” asked Junior very politely. Oz looked at the proffered piece of paper closely and chuckled.

Well at least it was different from all the rain soaked tatty match tickets and match programmes every one else was getting signed. “ What’s this for?” he asked. It’s a prize for the supporter’s web site” replied Junior , his teeth chattering more than a Celtic no 10 who has just tackled Freddie. Oz worked out instinctively that he had to sign across the ear. He chuckled again and handed Raz Junior the precious piece of paper.

As Oz came in there was still no sign of Jamie. Junior was really suffering with his illness and the cold. I said “Oz , send Jamie out for us please. He’s got a job to do for Denise.” I don’t know if he did send Jamie out but he soon appeared all showered and changed. Raz Junior rushed gratefully up and elbowed some Neathettes out of the way. “Can you sign this please” said Junior. “Sure” he replied. He then looked closely at the picture of himself, made a noise halfway between a chuckle and an exclamation intended to convey “Whatever next?”. He then signed below the picture and certainly nowhere near his butt. But he did sign and we have pictures of both signings to prove it. Eat your heart out MCM.

So take heed all of you out there. When DenIse gets her claws into you she’ll take your very soul if that’s what it takes to get an article on her site.

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