Some unknown and irresistible force set to work on me; perhaps it was the speaking in tongues in the Tiger Bar after the match; the smell of the special incense in the tunnel under the Crumbie; the worship of the Great Unspeaking Leader… Whatever - I had divorced Mr M by the end of the season, and sold my soul to the Tigers. Thus I felt the evilness of their ways long before it became manifest to the world at large.

From the first, I was able to bore for England about my calling. Like many converts, I have become fanatical – moved closer to the temple, given up a large percentage of my income for the faith, frequently fall down in a paroxism of delight following worship, (Special Brew while whirling can assist with this process), and occasionally indulge in self flagellation, (watching Rugby Special, or going to the Stoop). Followed by falling down again.

I have also felt bound to recruit others – father, brother, aunts, uncles, friends, casual acquaintances, work colleagues, blokes in the pub. All have succumbed. I have been known to witness the delights of the Tigers from door to door, (actually, only in my street as many of them have moved here for the same reason). The influence of my masters pervades all my life. I can honestly say that my most fulfilling moment was when the chosen ones triumphed in Paris. That plus the champagne afterwards.

I recognise that the true path is long and arduous, and involves sacrificing personal comfort - especially the requirement to drink Tiger Bitter - and showing courage in the face of cowardly attack from adherents of other faiths. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I hope, one day, to rank among the great disciples – Stopsy, Denise, Blake’s 7 …

I have a confession. I honour some of our leaders more than others, and am conscious that this is unacceptable behaviour. I am trying to cleanse myself of unworthy thoughts about Boothy and Stimmo…. However, I am a novice and I’ll improve.

Must I be chastised Mr Johnson Sir? O, if you insist…

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